the one where i complain about stuff I really can't believe my evil company had the nerve to make me work on New Year's Eve. Well, the joke's on them, because I'm not working, I'm writing my blog. So there! Well at least there was no traffic this morning. My 45 minute commute took a mere 25 minutes. But that's only because everyone else has the day off!!!! And while I'm on the topic of complaining, what's with TV these days? There's never anything good on!
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/31/2004 0 comments

  natural blessings This week we all discovered one more natural disaster to scare the living crap out of all of us earth residents. We already had hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, landslides, droughts, floods, ultraviolet rays, and the Blue Man Group. Now we have tsunamis to fear. Which gets me to wondering: why is it that we have so many "natural disasters" and no opposite, positive, natural things? Yes, I know there are some pretty cool natural wonders, like rainbows, sunsets, eclipses, supernovas, and Jessica Simpson. And I agree, these are pretty cool. However, while they are cool to look at, they will not give you big muscles, regrow hair, or help you buy a new pickup truck. No, these natural effects are the opposite of something like a garbage dump or a pile of elephant dung, but not a natural disaster.

So I propose that we should get some other sort of natural phenomenon, something that grants favors or riches to thousands of people all at once. Now wouldn't that be cool? We'll call it a "natural blessing." Compare it to the kind of horror we feel when we turn on Fox News and see that an earthquake has killed 20,000 people or a tsunami has killed 60,000 or more. Only this time we turn on the TV and feel an opposite, but not quite equal, amount of joy when we see that a "natural blessing" has granted free dry cleaning for life to 50,000 lucky residents of Tennessee. Now that would be cool.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/29/2004 0 comments

  i must have been naughty Okay, I've been out of town for a few days, and my blog was the first thing to get neglected, so I'll just write a quick post to let you know I'm still alive.

I would also like to comment about how Christmas is different for those of us with small children. I came in to work today, and everyone was showing off all their nice new loot, because as we all know, Christmas is all about collecting a huge amount of stuff. Co-worker A got a new watch. Co-worker B got a diamond necklace. "Monger187, what amassment of goodies did you collect?" Well, I did score a new toaster to share with the wife, but my kid's the one who made out like a bandit. The boy got so many toys that he couldn't possibly open them all in one lifetime, let alone actually play with them.

We actually got to the point where we couldn't figure out what to tell people what to get him anymore. Every day for weeks before Christmas, relatives were coming out of the woodworks to find out what he wanted for Christmas. Nobody ever called to find out what I wanted.

So here we are, December 27, bags and bags full of toys richer. And none of it is for me.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/27/2004 0 comments

  more spelling issues I just found out that "canceled" and "cancelled" are both acceptable spellings for the past tense of cancel. Imagine my surprise when I Yahoo! searched "dallas cleveland flights canceled" to check on my parents' flight, and Yahoo! told me "Did you mean: dallas cleveland flights cancelled?" No, I meant "dallas cleveland flights canceled" just like I said. So I went over to spell check to prove Yahoo! wrong once and for all. I was surprised to see that "cancelled" was right! But imagine my sheer horror to find out that "canceled" was right, too!

I mean, really, we couldn't come to a consensus on this one? What happened, Noah Webster and Bubba Oxford English got into an argument and couldn't settle on one spelling? Couldn't they have just arm wrestled or had a game of Twister to settle it?

Perhaps it's just a little favor from the dictionary folks to third grade spelling bee contestants:

Teacher: "Canceled"

Third grade spelling bee contestant: Cancelled, C-A-N-C-E-L-L-E-D, cancelled

Other kids: NO!!!!

Teacher: WRONG!!!!

Third grade spelling bee contestant: Oh yeah? Eat this! *shows indecisive dictionary entry*

Teacher and other kids: (speechless) *jaws hit floor*

Third grade spelling bee contestant: Thanks to monger187, I now know that it can be spelled either way!

Teacher: Wow! Monger187 is a genius! Kids, for homework, read and memorize all of mindless drivel.

Kids: Yay!!!

This is the way I imagine it will probably happen.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/23/2004 0 comments

  the clouds have dandruff Okay, I'm not really sure what is going on here. All I can say is that there is some flaky white stuff falling from the sky. This is my first winter in "North Texas" (Dallas), but in "Central Texas" (Austin) it snowed exactly one time since dinosaurs ruled the earth. It was on February 14, 2004.

I admit, I am actually quite familiar with snow. I spent approximately one third of my life living in places that are covered by snow approximately one third of the year. By those calculations, I've spent approximately one ninth of my life trudging through the stuff, trying unsuccessfully to walk on the crusty snow, getting splashed by nasty, dirty, half-melted slush.

I think I prefer our snow here: it snows one inch, you get all excited, you build a one foot tall snowman, you take pictures to show your ancestors The Great Blizzard of '04, and then by the time you get tired of it, the snow melts and it's 70 and sunny again.

That's how I like it. Snow on my terms. Now if I can only figure out how to get out of work today.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/22/2004 0 comments

  nyquil dreams I had a dream last night that there was a competition for the best hamburger. The top spot was a tie between Hardee's and A&W, and Whataburger followed closely behind. What a strange dream. I haven't even been to Hardee's or A&W in like ten years, so I don't think I can really attest to the accuracy of this information. I don't even think we have Hardee's in Texas. However, the inner confines of my NyQuil-inspired subconscious have decided to award the top spot to these fine fast-food chains.

So this got me to thinking: what is in that NyQuil stuff? It tastes like artificial cherries, but I would be surprised if there was even a single artificial cherry in the entire bottle. But it also got me to thinking that I should tell everyone where my favorite hamburger comes from when I'm not on a NyQuil trip. So here's the answer: Chester's. If you're from San Antonio you know what I'm talking about. If you're not, you probably don't. But you should.

So go plan a trip to San Antonio and have some good hamburgers for a change. But don't bother with the rest of the city. It sucks.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/21/2004 0 comments

  monger187 once again insults the bloggers You know what bothers me? Besides the swarm of gnats that follows me around everywhere I go? Bloggers who do nothing but talk about headlines. I mean, really, if I wanted to read news stories, I wouldn't go down to blogpunditnewzsource.blogspot.com. I would probably go to a real news source, some place that hires professional writers and sends them to exotic places to cover exciting stories. Like the Daily Texan. Yeah, I know, bloggers do so much more than just repeat news articles. They offer clever insight, which basically amounts to what you yell at your TV when you hear the news story. Here's an example of how it works:

Did you see this story? Bush orders better ocean oversight? I can't believe this guy. I hate you Bush! I hate you!!!!!! I'M MOVING TO CANADA!!!!

Apparently after bloggers uncovered a couple of big news stories this year, every loner with a laptop thinks he is the next Wolf Blitzer. "Reporting live from...my living room, Yahoo! says that Bush orders better ocean oversight. I didn't read the article, but who needs to? Bush is a moron, right? If you disagree with me, I'll yell at you - by writing in ALL CAPS."

I think this phenomenon is sort of the 21st Century version of the day trader, except with blogging you have much less chance of losing all of your money. You'll probably just end up losing your dignity, self respect, and maybe some sleep. Seemed like everyone in the late 90's was going to quit their jobs and day trade for a living. You remember day trading, right? It's like gambling, except there are no flashing lights and you don't get to go to Vegas. But somehow every moron out there was going to sit at home all day and make millions by learning the valuable lessons taught by some guy who had a show on at 3:00 in the morning.

So here we are in 2004. And the loner with the laptop is no longer going to get rich by trading stocks. He's going to get rich by being discovered by the New York Times because of his clever writing and provocative commentary. Sadly there is more to earth-shattering reporting than just repeating how much you hate Bush and threatening to move to Canada. Besides, the New York Times won't hire you if you move to Canada. Maybe some newspaper in Canada will, though.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/18/2004 0 comments

  seinfeld I had a really funny idea for a blog post this morning. It had something to do with Seinfeld. Now I can't remember what it was. So I'll just say a thing or two about Seinfeld. Wasn't that a funny show? The end.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/16/2004 0 comments

  wy cant peeple spel? I have recently discovered that people have a real issue with spelling. Yeah, I realize this is an epiphany that most people probably had in third grade when that fat kid lost the spelling bee because he thought "table" had a "w" in there somewhere. Well, things have gotten worse since I was in the third grade. People still can't spell, and now they're adults. At first we blamed spell check. "Hae, wy doo i neede too lern howe too spel win spel chek fixxes it fore me?" But then we realized that spell check works sometimes, but sometimes you end up with something like this: "Have, wee do I needed too learn Howe too spell win spell cheek fixes it fore me?" (actual spell check results for the preceding sentence.) But now people don't even bother with spell check. It's like we think we're too good for spell check. "Spel chek? Ha! Thats ownle fer loosers that dont no howe too spel!"

By far the most annoyingly misspelled word is "definitely." I've seen this word spelled "defintely," "definately," "definatly," and even "absolutely." Why is this word so hard to spell? I don't know, but I'm going to try to figure it out.

As today's fun exercise, please put a comment with the way you spell "definitely" and your excuse for not spelling it the right way. I need to get to the bottom of this. Anybody who doesn't participate will have to stay after class.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/15/2004 0 comments

  buy me a ferrari

We are currently in the heart of Christmas Season, also known as the American Shopping Season, when everyone in America goes out to the mall, takes all the parking spaces, stands in my way when I’m trying to get by, and gets in line in front of me, arguing about whether the $39.95 sweater is supposed to be on sale for $39.50.

I really don’t care for shopping, unless it means I’m going to come home with something really cool, like a new Ferrari. I think I would enjoy Ferrari shopping. I wouldn’t mind spending time at the Ferrari dealer, even if it meant I had to wait in line for a few minutes. I keep telling Rachel that we should go Ferrari shopping more often. We have a Ferrari dealer right down the street, so it wouldn’t even be inconvenient for us to go there. So don’t even try to use that argument again.

But we never go Ferrari shopping. We just go shopping to replace stuff we already have, like shower curtains, trash bags, or flat panel plasma screen televisions. I just don’t understand why she would rather buy a new toilet brush than a new Ferrari. Can somebody please explain this to me?

It’s not like I’m greedy. I don’t need a Ferrari. I would settle for a Porsche. Or even a Range Rover. But not a BMW. Come on, I have standards.

  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/11/2004 0 comments

  best of blog nominations I know, another blog award. Just what the world needs. But what the hell, it could be fun, right? And this one has no political blogs! So let's get out and do some serious nominatin'. I've already put in a couple of my favorites.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/10/2004 0 comments

  no hanging chads here Yes! I'm up to 2.7% in the Weblog Awards. That's Ralph Nader territory, baby!
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/09/2004 0 comments

  there is no emoticon for what i am feeling Today I witnessed an event that I haven't seen since I was about 12. This kind of thing used to happen to 12 year olds in 1988, but for adults in the 21st century? Not so much. Yes, you guessed it, I personally witnessed a grown man being introduced to the smiley face emoticon (for an insightful review of some popular emoticons, read here). That's right, he had never seen it, never heard of it, didn't know what it was. At all. Not a clue. This is no 85 year old grandma who does nothing all day but knit, blog about it, and join BlogExplosion. This is a cubicle-slave who sits in front of a computer for hours on end, just like me.

The most logical explanation is that the real cubicle occupier has been abducted by aliens, and the man residing in the cubicle next to mine is no human, but an alien masquerading as a human, who has assumed the form of the guy who sits in the cubicle next to mine to witness various mortgage-related human activities.

But I figured out that something more sinister is going on. This man was raised in a lab by Microsoft engineers, who purposely shielded him from the colon and close parentheses keys on the keyboard as some sort of evil Microsoft experiment. To him, Shift-; is a command that sends valuable personal information from his hard drive directly to Microsoft servers for evaluation, and Shift-0 doesn't do anything. The obvious goal of this experiment is to see how well a human can survive in civilized society without ever using the smiley face emoticon.

My only fear now is that the Microsoft engineers will certainly know that the unthinkable has happened. Someone has told him about the smiley face emoticon. The experiment has failed. The ramifications of this are disastrous. And now I haven't seen this man in hours!

Oh wait, he was just in the bathroom.

This post has been brought to you by Microsoft.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/08/2004 0 comments

  i wrote mine first, dude As a follow up to my now-famous "dude" post, I give you this article, which goes into far more detail than I did. It's refreshing to see that our nation's scholars are researching the really important issues facing today's world. But let me also remind you that I beat this guy to the punch by a good two months. He stole my idea! That is so lame, dude.

This post has been brought to you by ConAgra Foods.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/08/2004 0 comments

  monger's theorem Here's how the blog-writing process works:

1) Devise clever blog post

2) Write clever blog post

3) Post clever blog post

4) Wait for visitors to read clever blog post and comment about how clever it is

5) Read someone else's blog and see similar clever blog post, which was written exactly 12 minutes before mine

6) Get frustrated

7) Develop plot to launch destructive computer virus upon blog that stole my clever blog post idea

8) Calm down

9) Devise Monger's Theorem

Monger's Theorem states this:

For every Blog Post A, there exists Blog Post B, where B = A, and which author of Blog Post A will discover only after posting Blog Post A. Hence, every possible combination of words that could potentially become Blog Post A has already been assembled in existing Blog Post B. Thus, all possible Blog Posts have already been written, and completely new Blog Post A is therefore inherently impossible.

THIS POST WAS FUNDED BY SHARK COOKIES. SHARK COOKIES PUT THE "FUN" IN FUNDED!!
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/07/2004 0 comments

  i'm doing this for free? It has recently come to my attention that I should be making money from this blog. Knowing that I make a few people laugh every once in a while is fine and good, but seriously, I've got bills to pay. Besides, if I had bags of dough, couldn't I just pay people to laugh at me instead? Or I could stage lavish, expensive stunts like that guy from the show on Fox that nobody watches. Or maybe people would love me just for my vast wealth, big house, and expensive cars. Everybody loves rich people. Just look at Donald Trump!

So I am changing my format again (this is beginning to become a daily thing for me). From now on all posts will be sponsored by a huge, wealthy, powerful corporation. I haven't quite figured out the details of how this is going to work yet. But I'm pretty sure that when these huge corporations see how much traffic I'm bringing to their site, they'll be certain to take notice. And when they do, they'll have no choice but to send me a big bag of cash, you know, one of those ones with a big dollar sign on it. If you are a big corporation wondering where to send the big bag of cash, post a comment and I will respond to you in turn.

This post has been brought to you by ExxonMobil.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/07/2004 0 comments

  i get some good emails

Seems like a lot of blogs out there like to brag about how they have long lost relatives in Africa who died and left them lots of money. It’s just not fair. They get lots of cash, just for having the good fortune of being related to some rich African guy they never even knew. I know that the attorneys who handle these cases usually want to make a little money and ask for some of the millions upfront for processing, but seriously, isn’t it worth it for all the millions you get?

I never have that kind of luck. The emails I get are mostly from banks. I seem to have a lot of trouble with my bank accounts, and sometimes with bank accounts at banks that I don’t even have accounts with. Whatever, I just give them my credit card numbers, Social Security number, ATM PIN numbers, my mother’s maiden name, and next week’s winning lottery numbers, and that usually clears things up. I never hear from the banks again, so I assume everything’s okay.

I do, however, get some pretty good emails every once in a while. So here are the subject lines of some of the more interesting emails I’ve gotten in the past few days.

Re: Stupid Mehotr wants to meet you

Man, I must have been drunk or something when I wrote this. I don’t even remember writing the email at all, but Possibility B. Resistances sent this reply to me. I don’t even know what a mehotr is, and I don’t think I know any stupid ones. Plus I don’t even know who Possibility B. Resistances is. What was I thinking?!

FWD:All FUN, No Drama brace

Well, that goes without saying. Who can have any fun with a drama brace around?

Fwd: prevention shish

I think this is a pretty serious issue. We all need to get over our differences, pull together and work toward the prevention of shish. It’s a real crisis in today's society. Fortunately gmmongel_7@yahoo.com is willing to help spread the word about this serious problem. Thanks, gmmongel_7@yahoo.com.

IM A PRINCESS LOOKING FOR MY PRINCE/KING sixty

I think we all are looking for that special someone. Except me, I’m married. Sorry, ladies. Besides...sixty? Aren’t you a little old for me?

Monger more wives to chat with Monger

Okay, Hexameter H. Polyp is aware that I am married, but thinks I need more wives, and that I need to chat with them, too. Can’t I just chat with regular people? Do I need to marry them?

Get 5OO USD by tomorrow. Easy 2 Minute Application

Finally! Some good news! Sure, it’s not millions, but it will have to do for now. I could go for 5OO USD. It really did only take 2 minutes. All they needed was my credit card number and expiration date. I think they are going to apply it as a credit or something.

So that’s all my good emails. Cool, huh? I’ll buy you all something special when I get my 5OO USD. Write me a comment and let me know what you want.

  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/04/2004 0 comments

  new format, effective immediately It is becoming painfully obvious that in order to become a real power blogger, I have to become more political. And by more political, I mean fiercely political. It seems that all of the big, well-known blogs are either really conservative or really liberal. So I'm going to pick one of those. I haven't decided exactly which side to go with, but I'm going to go full force in one direction or the other. I either really love George W. Bush, or I really hate him and am thinking about moving to Canada. Not really sure which one at this point. I'm also going to work the word "pundit" somewhere into my blog title. Maybe something like "mindit drivelpund," something like that. I'll keep working on it.

Let's try this on for size:

Did you see what that (a) moron, (b) genius, George W. Bush said today? He says we are not going to alter the timetable for the upcoming Iraqi elections! What a (a) stupid, (b) brilliant, statement! It's obvious that he (a) has no idea what he is doing over there in Iraq, (b) really has things figured out in Iraq. I'm sure that the Iraqi people will (a) carry out more attacks against the U.S, (b) all hold hands and spontaneously break out in a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. America wouldn't even be in this whole situation if (a) it weren't for all those idiotic, ignorant bigots in the damn red states, (b) Bill Clinton hadn't secretly formed an evil alliance with Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and Evil Bert. When the next election comes around and we (a) get a real leader in the White House (b) take over the remaining 45 Senate seats, this nation will truly be great. All of this hinges, of course, on the most pressing issue of the day: (a) gay marriage, (b) gay marriage.

Any opinions would be appreciated. I'd like to figure this out by the end of the day.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/02/2004 0 comments

  shameless plug Ooooh, I'm so excited! I'm nominated for a 2004 Weblog Award. Best of the Rest of the Blogs. Basically it's the category for blogs that nobody reads. Please go vote for me. Every day. For the rest of your life. Your country needs you. And so does my ego. Go now. Then come back. Stay for a while. Tell your friends. Also, vote for Balki on my poll to the right. Down with Cousin Larry!
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/02/2004 0 comments

  yay, blog is the best word According to this, "blog" is Merriam-Webster's word of the year. I can't tell you how happy I am to hear this. To know that such an annoying and obnoxious word can go so far in this world is true hope for annoying and obnoxious people like myself. Perhaps it's true that we, too, can be respected members of this community that we call earth, just as the word "blog" has become respected among dictionary writing nerds and Internet searchers. I offer my condolences to all the other annoying and obnoxious words that didn't make the cut, words like "pundit," "whatnot," and "vis-a-vis." So let's cherish this time and celebrate that we bloggers are a meaningful part of the world around us. Let's enjoy our 15 minutes of fame while it lasts. We may soon go the way of the Betamax.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 12/01/2004 0 comments