being human I'm pretty sure I got screwed when I was born a human being. Having been a spider monkey in a previous life, I had always looked up to the humans, what with their opposable thumbs and relatively low level of back hair. But after nearly a year of going through the awkward human baby phase, I was ready to go back to being an animal.

Here's my main issue: why in the world do we humans need to learn how to do everything? Look at cows for instance. The minute they're born, they're walking, eating, mooing, chewing their cud, mooing, standing around doing nothing, being mutilated by aliens, and mooing. When I was one minute old I couldn't even control the constant flailing of my arms and legs. For a while there, I even used to poop in my pants! Walking? Forget about it, that was a good three weeks away. It wasn't until I was four months old that I could even read!

Did you know that, according to a recent study by the Emdee Group, approximately 98.72% of humans never learn calculus? If we were born knowing calculus, think of how much easier life would be! For instance, you could take a nice long nap from 2:00-2:50 every afternoon while you're a senior in high school. And also maybe you could be an engineer, or a mathematician of some kind. I'm sure calculus has many other uses, I just can't think of them right now.

That's just one of the many things we could be born with. We could also be born knowing how to read people's minds or predict the future. Let's be creative here!

I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I have a relatively favorable life span and a soul and all. Hey, leave me alone, at least I'm trying here!  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 4/07/2008