mindless drivel
Monday, July 31, 2006
  car updates? car updates???
Well, the other day, someone named glomgold commented on last week's post about the insane car bee, and his comment noted that he "may check back here for car updates." Naturally, I got really freaked out by this. Normally I have free rein in my posts. I am completely free to write about whatever the hell I freakin feel like. How else do you think I ended up writing a list of the best and worst smells?

Well, things are a bit different now. Now I have to write about something specific: cars. Or my shiny new white Scion xB. Or something. Because glomgold might be back and he will expect to see something new. About cars. I can't imagine what might happen if he comes back to see some really interesting and entertaining car blog posts and sees that the only new post is a list of the best and worst sounds.

So, glomgold, hang tight, I'm working on something. Fortunately I happen to like cars. In the meantime, those of you who have thought about posting a comment but didn't, take note. Your comment could have huge ramifications on the future of this site.
 
Friday, July 28, 2006
  say it ain't so, floyd
The sports world is full of cheats. Baseball has Barry Bonds, football has Bill Romanowski, and extreme bungee jumping has Nedford Hellenburger. But cycling has always been one of those squeaky-clean sports where steroid use is unheard of. Until yesterday, no one has ever even suggested that any cyclist has ever cheated. The mere idea is preposterous! Illegal blood transfusions, testosterone shots, radioactive cell-manipulation. All completely foreign concepts to professional cyclists.

But now, Floyd Landis has gone and tarnished that reputation.

There are two types of people in this world: 1) those who watch 4 hour blocks of The Outdoor Life Network every July, and 2) those who are normal, sane, and well-balanced. Until yesterday, Group 2 had no clue whatsoever who Floyd Landis was. To those of us in Group 1, Floyd Landis was the guy who once rode on Lance Armstrong's US Postal Service Team, until he decided that being the leader of a losing team was somehow superior to being a helper on a winning team. When he won the Tour this year, he was briefly rebranded as the rural Pennsylvania man who was only able to escape the clutches of the Mennonites by literally riding his bike faster than the horses and buggies could chase him down.

Well, now even the normal people know Floyd Landis, but not for has dramatic collapse in Stage 16, nor for his even more dramatic comeback in Stage 17. They know him for being a cheat.

Whether or not Floyd Landis is exonerated remains to be seen. Only Floyd and his mom know that. That's not even really the issue. The Court of Public Opinion has already reached a verdict: Guilty. Whatever "Sample B" says in two weeks is unlikely to be reported with near the vigor of the original story. Let's face it, this headline is just not an attention-grabber:

Remember That Cheater Guy Who Won The Tour De France? Well It Turns Out He's Probably Not A Cheater After All

Even if Floyd Landis is proven innocent of the charges, mainstream media coverage will be as follows:

Floyd Landis Is A Dirty Nasty Cheater Who Only Won The Tour De France Because He Took Steroids, Did I Mention He's A Cheater?*

*Floyd Landis did not actually cheat or take steroids

Sort of like the whole thing with Ken Jennings "ripping" into Jeopardy:

Ken Jennings Doesn't Like The Color Blue And Claims Alex Trebek Replaced By Robot, Also Thinks Clue Crew Should Be Forced To Resort To Cannibalism*

*Ken was just joking, people, lighten up

The 2006 Tour De France will no longer be remembered for the Incident With The Giant Green Hand. Or for the rise and fall and rise of Floyd Landis. Now it will be known for the rise, fall, rise, and then fall of Floyd Landis.

For the record, when Le Tour '06 began, I was rooting against Floyd. I wanted George Hincapie to win (man, did I bet on the wrong horse!). But Floyd made me believe. He showed me that being down and out didn't mean you had to give up. That determination is more powerful than fatigue. That even failures can win. But now the only lesson I've learned is: cheaters win, unless they get caught.

Floyd, I want more than anything for you to be proven innocent of these charges. For you, for me, for America, for cyclists, and for my four year old son who is learning how to ride a bike. Say it ain't so.
 
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
  i'm old
For the first time ever, if someone says to me, " You don't look a day over 30," they'll be dead wrong, because today I am literally a day over 30! Also, I wasn't born yesterday, but I was born 30 years ago yesterday.

Okay, this is all old-person talk for "yesterday was my birthday." So get out your walkers, get that artificial hip prepped for surgery, because monger187 is aging, and fast.
 
Friday, July 14, 2006
  monger187 and the bee
Well, okay, so I haven't been updating the blog with anything about myself lately (or much of anything at all, really), so here's a little anecdote about something that happened on the way to work today:

For those of you who don't know, and that would probably be just about all of you, I finally rid myself of the 1999 Honda Accord. I realize that by telling you my current automobile, I open myself up to all sorts of hateful comments like, "Ew, you drive that?" or "I used to respect you, but now I'm not so sure" or the simple, yet effective "You disgust me." If you haven't guessed by now, I now drive a Scion xB. Yes, the boxy one. So if you're in the Minneapolis area and you see something that looks like a giant white toaster going down the road, it just might be me.

But I digress.

Apparently I am not the only one who appreciates cars that resemble large appliances. Yesterday I was driving home with the windows down. You can do that around here. Even on days when everyone seems to think that it's so freaking hot that they are going to spontaneously combust. I keep telling people that 90 degrees in July is not that hot, and if they want to experience hot, they should spend a nice 8 month long summer in Dallas and see what real hot is like. Or maybe put themselves in the oven for a few months: same effect, only you don't have to drive as far.

But I digress. Again.

Anyway, when driving with one's windows down, one opens oneself up to all sorts of risks. Like dirty looks from people who don't like to listen to KMFDM nearly as loud as I do. Or car jackers. But also, insects.

Well, it seems that large, fuzzy, scary bees with huge stingers and evil in their hearts also enjoy loud KMFDM. One such evil bee decided to hop into my car and go for a ride. Maybe he mistook it for a refrigerator and thought there would be some nice fruit juice inside or something.

Anyway, after having a nice rest in the car overnight, the bee decided to wake up right when I was speeding down the highway. Well, okay, "speeding" doesn't accurately describe what I was doing. More like doing 15 mph, stuck behind some lady in a 20 year old Buick with a golden retriever in the passenger seat.

Well, the evil bee must have known that this was the absolute worst time to make an appearance. He knew that one false move and the fruit juice-less refrigerator would be floating down the Minnesota River. So this is when he appeared, buzzing around and creating a commotion, causing my heartbeat to immediately double, and turning the cool, calm, collected guy that I am into a 13 year old girl having a hissy fit, swatting desperately at the air and flailing mercilessly at anything and everything. Then I opened the window.

Well, the bee left straight away (I always wanted to try saying "straight away" - it just sounds so, well, British). I think I may have looked so stupid with my girly flailing that he instantly became embarrassed to be in the car with me. Well, whatever, I don't even care. Stupid, stuck-up bee. Who needs him anyway?
 

Observations from a guy who no longer lives in Texas and really doesn't have very much free time.


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