mindless drivel
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
financial advice column
I'm practicing to be one of those financial advice columnists. Let me know what you think!
How To Get Out Of Debt And Get Your Financial Life On The Right Track And Start Saving Because Saving Is Good And Debt Is Bad So Here Is Some Advice On Getting A Plan Started To Accomplish This In Your Own Life (tentative title)
Dear monger187,
My wife and I need your advice. I work as a Software Consultant for like some software consulting company or something, and my wife manages a team of door-to-door printer cable salespeople. Although my wife's job provides a lucrative salary of $85,000, she has decided to leave her position to devote her attention to the full-time care of Fluffy, our 2 year old Pekingese. This leaves us with only my salary of $22,000.
We have $3.28 in a long-term CD and $0.18 in a money market account, which we are not able to touch because the company charges a $5.00 withdrawal fee. Our checking account has a balance of $24.78. We also own a collection of rare pogs. My wife and I recently took out $200,000 in auto loans to have our "rides pimped." As recently as three months ago, we had $50,000 in equity in our home, but we took out a fifth mortgage and used the proceeds to have our sofa covered in authentic zebra hair.
Sincerely,
Diligent Unlucky Man Brings A Scary Situation
Dear D.U.M.B.A.S.S.,
My first recommendation is that, while attempting to locate a "friend" in the alley behind Circuit City, you find a briefcase containing $1.6 million in cash. The briefcase will have some blood on it, but after examining it, you should decide that it is probably just from some animal or something. Also, throw the briefcase in a dumpster in another county.
Next, you should be chosen to be a contestant on Deal Or No Deal, and through a simple death threat, convince the show's producers to tell you which suitcase has the $1,000,000 in it. Just to be funny, you should pick the suitcases in order from $0.01 to $750,000, leaving only the $1,000,000. Howie Mandel will totally freak out. Then skip out on paying taxes on the winnings, because come on, hasn't the government got enough money already?
Then, you should invest the $2.6 million in a stock that will double the following week. These kinds of stocks are easy to locate, as long as you are willing to devote at least 13 minutes to "exhaustive research." A good place to start is in your email: sometimes the best stocks are the ones strangers email you about. Also, you probably need one of those fancy stock charting software packages that they sell on TV for $39.95. The $39.95 should come from money you find in your jacket pockets.
This leaves $5.2 million. You should make it a nice round $5 million by giving $200,000 to some sort of charity or something. Good things always seem to happen to good people, and $200,000 is a pretty small price to pay for membership in the "good people" gang.
You should then spend $50,000 for a private golfing lesson with Tiger Woods and $100,000 to buy up all the tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas so the two of you can have the whole ship to yourselves. Because, come on, everyone needs to pamper themselves a little bit sometimes.
As you can tell, sticking to a financial plan like this will not be easy. It will require hard work, dedication, and even a little bit of luck. But by heeding my advice, you too can have financial freedom! ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/28/2006 0 comments
How To Get Out Of Debt And Get Your Financial Life On The Right Track And Start Saving Because Saving Is Good And Debt Is Bad So Here Is Some Advice On Getting A Plan Started To Accomplish This In Your Own Life (tentative title)
Dear monger187,
My wife and I need your advice. I work as a Software Consultant for like some software consulting company or something, and my wife manages a team of door-to-door printer cable salespeople. Although my wife's job provides a lucrative salary of $85,000, she has decided to leave her position to devote her attention to the full-time care of Fluffy, our 2 year old Pekingese. This leaves us with only my salary of $22,000.
We have $3.28 in a long-term CD and $0.18 in a money market account, which we are not able to touch because the company charges a $5.00 withdrawal fee. Our checking account has a balance of $24.78. We also own a collection of rare pogs. My wife and I recently took out $200,000 in auto loans to have our "rides pimped." As recently as three months ago, we had $50,000 in equity in our home, but we took out a fifth mortgage and used the proceeds to have our sofa covered in authentic zebra hair.
Sincerely,
Diligent Unlucky Man Brings A Scary Situation
Dear D.U.M.B.A.S.S.,
My first recommendation is that, while attempting to locate a "friend" in the alley behind Circuit City, you find a briefcase containing $1.6 million in cash. The briefcase will have some blood on it, but after examining it, you should decide that it is probably just from some animal or something. Also, throw the briefcase in a dumpster in another county.
Next, you should be chosen to be a contestant on Deal Or No Deal, and through a simple death threat, convince the show's producers to tell you which suitcase has the $1,000,000 in it. Just to be funny, you should pick the suitcases in order from $0.01 to $750,000, leaving only the $1,000,000. Howie Mandel will totally freak out. Then skip out on paying taxes on the winnings, because come on, hasn't the government got enough money already?
Then, you should invest the $2.6 million in a stock that will double the following week. These kinds of stocks are easy to locate, as long as you are willing to devote at least 13 minutes to "exhaustive research." A good place to start is in your email: sometimes the best stocks are the ones strangers email you about. Also, you probably need one of those fancy stock charting software packages that they sell on TV for $39.95. The $39.95 should come from money you find in your jacket pockets.
This leaves $5.2 million. You should make it a nice round $5 million by giving $200,000 to some sort of charity or something. Good things always seem to happen to good people, and $200,000 is a pretty small price to pay for membership in the "good people" gang.
You should then spend $50,000 for a private golfing lesson with Tiger Woods and $100,000 to buy up all the tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas so the two of you can have the whole ship to yourselves. Because, come on, everyone needs to pamper themselves a little bit sometimes.
As you can tell, sticking to a financial plan like this will not be easy. It will require hard work, dedication, and even a little bit of luck. But by heeding my advice, you too can have financial freedom! ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/28/2006 0 comments
Friday, March 24, 2006
area 51
After an exhaustive study, which has preoccupied my life over the last five minutes, I've finally discovered what they've been doing in Area 51 all these years.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, can you please tell me the location and size of your rock, and how you are able to get Internet access there? Also, how are you able to keep the rock from falling on your head? That's the problem I always had. The rock kept falling on my head, giving me massive concussions, which caused temporary blackouts and loss of short-term memory. So I eventually gave up and moved back into the house.
Area 51 has been used by the U.S. Government for the development of the Human Cell-Reproduction Teleportation Module, code-named the Dick Vitale Project, or DVP. The sole purpose of DVP is to allow Dick Vitale to provide commentary for every college basketball game that has ever been and will ever be played on planet earth.
The U.S. Department of Defense, which created Vitale in 1974 by implanting a human embryo into a laughing hyena, began DVP in 1982 as a Cold War anti-Russian program. The initial intent was to use hidden code contained in Vitale's voice to reprogram Americans to want to join the Air Force. Unfortunately, with the Cold War ending before DVP's completion, the project was no longer needed. However, rather than scrapping the project altogether, the DOD used its tremendous influence on ESPN to insert Vitale into college basketball telecasts.
While it is unclear exactly what message the DOD is now using Vitale to convey (best guesses include "have more babies" and "buy a Buick"), it feels it is imperative to send this message to 100% of college basketball fans worldwide. Hence, DVP, which allows Vitale to instantly be zapped from one basketball court to another, ensuring that he will never miss a basketball game, and thus ensuring that we will never see another college basketball game without having "BABY!!!!!!" screamed at us every 3.2 seconds. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/24/2006 0 comments
For those of you who have been living under a rock, can you please tell me the location and size of your rock, and how you are able to get Internet access there? Also, how are you able to keep the rock from falling on your head? That's the problem I always had. The rock kept falling on my head, giving me massive concussions, which caused temporary blackouts and loss of short-term memory. So I eventually gave up and moved back into the house.
Area 51 has been used by the U.S. Government for the development of the Human Cell-Reproduction Teleportation Module, code-named the Dick Vitale Project, or DVP. The sole purpose of DVP is to allow Dick Vitale to provide commentary for every college basketball game that has ever been and will ever be played on planet earth.
The U.S. Department of Defense, which created Vitale in 1974 by implanting a human embryo into a laughing hyena, began DVP in 1982 as a Cold War anti-Russian program. The initial intent was to use hidden code contained in Vitale's voice to reprogram Americans to want to join the Air Force. Unfortunately, with the Cold War ending before DVP's completion, the project was no longer needed. However, rather than scrapping the project altogether, the DOD used its tremendous influence on ESPN to insert Vitale into college basketball telecasts.
While it is unclear exactly what message the DOD is now using Vitale to convey (best guesses include "have more babies" and "buy a Buick"), it feels it is imperative to send this message to 100% of college basketball fans worldwide. Hence, DVP, which allows Vitale to instantly be zapped from one basketball court to another, ensuring that he will never miss a basketball game, and thus ensuring that we will never see another college basketball game without having "BABY!!!!!!" screamed at us every 3.2 seconds. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/24/2006 0 comments
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
an open letter...
To the guy who got out of his car and gave me a push when I wasn't getting any traction in the snow:
You totally kick butt.
You helped me at a time I couldn't help myself. I had been moving 2 miles per hour for 2 1/2 hours, already an hour and a half late to work. On a slight incline on Normandale Blvd, my tires told me to "take this job and shove it," and my progress slowed to 0 miles per hour. Engines revved, tires spun, and my car moved backwards and sideways, but not forward.
I know you saw my Texas plates and thought to yourself, "This guy does not know how to drive in the snow, plus he probably has some of those no-tread 'Texas Tires.'" (For the record, they're new tires and the guy at Discount Tire told me they would be able to handle Minnesota snow.) But you didn't care. You didn't judge me and my Texas-ness. You got out of your Jeep in the freezing cold, in the driving snow, in the frozen tundra, and you put all of your might into it. You gave me the boost I needed to get enough traction to turn my sorry butt around and forget about trying to drive up that hill.
I was so nervous and excited when I finally got moving again, and I was so afraid that I would lose my momentum and get stuck again, that I didn't have a chance to stop and thank you properly. I want you to know that not saying "thanks!" is not the Texas way, and since I will likely never see you again, this is the only way I know how to thank you.
So, selfless car-pusher, I hope you're reading this. You rule.
Sincerely,
monger187 ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/14/2006 0 comments
You totally kick butt.
You helped me at a time I couldn't help myself. I had been moving 2 miles per hour for 2 1/2 hours, already an hour and a half late to work. On a slight incline on Normandale Blvd, my tires told me to "take this job and shove it," and my progress slowed to 0 miles per hour. Engines revved, tires spun, and my car moved backwards and sideways, but not forward.
I know you saw my Texas plates and thought to yourself, "This guy does not know how to drive in the snow, plus he probably has some of those no-tread 'Texas Tires.'" (For the record, they're new tires and the guy at Discount Tire told me they would be able to handle Minnesota snow.) But you didn't care. You didn't judge me and my Texas-ness. You got out of your Jeep in the freezing cold, in the driving snow, in the frozen tundra, and you put all of your might into it. You gave me the boost I needed to get enough traction to turn my sorry butt around and forget about trying to drive up that hill.
I was so nervous and excited when I finally got moving again, and I was so afraid that I would lose my momentum and get stuck again, that I didn't have a chance to stop and thank you properly. I want you to know that not saying "thanks!" is not the Texas way, and since I will likely never see you again, this is the only way I know how to thank you.
So, selfless car-pusher, I hope you're reading this. You rule.
Sincerely,
monger187 ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/14/2006 0 comments
Monday, March 06, 2006
i love starbucks
Have I told you lately how much I love Starbucks? Let me count the ways. I love coming home from a long day, driving up to my nearest Starbucks' convenient drive through window, and ordering a nice hot cup of Peppermint Mocha. The good people who work at Starbucks are always so friendly and courteous. They really put an exclamation point on a wonderful experience.
When the cold weather is starting to wear on you, when you need a little pick-me-up, or when you just feel like a delicious beverage, nothing does the trick like a cup of Starbucks Coffee. They also have a full assortment of coffee accessories and packaged goods, for when you want to have that delicious Starbucks flavor right in your own home! Music and gift cards (in various denominations) are also available. I'd recommend that you all go out and take a trip to your local Starbucks today!
Also, did I mention that I just bought Starbucks stock? ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/06/2006 0 comments
When the cold weather is starting to wear on you, when you need a little pick-me-up, or when you just feel like a delicious beverage, nothing does the trick like a cup of Starbucks Coffee. They also have a full assortment of coffee accessories and packaged goods, for when you want to have that delicious Starbucks flavor right in your own home! Music and gift cards (in various denominations) are also available. I'd recommend that you all go out and take a trip to your local Starbucks today!
Also, did I mention that I just bought Starbucks stock? ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/06/2006 0 comments
Thursday, March 02, 2006
what is origami?
The biggest buzz in tech nerd circles (I've heard) is the Origami Project, a cryptic Microsoft undertaking, which is creating buzz the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the months of hype leading up to Dean Kamen's "Ginger" in 2001. As we all know, "Ginger" became the revolutionary Segway Human Transporter, which has changed mankind in ways we could not possibly have imagined. Like it gave us a whole new reason to laugh at George W. Bush.
So now we have Origami. Which leads to the one question in everybody's mind: What is Origami? Well, it turns out that Origami is the Japanese art of paper-folding. You heard it here first. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/02/2006 0 comments
So now we have Origami. Which leads to the one question in everybody's mind: What is Origami? Well, it turns out that Origami is the Japanese art of paper-folding. You heard it here first. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/02/2006 0 comments
