Friday, March 24, 2006
area 51
After an exhaustive study, which has preoccupied my life over the last five minutes, I've finally discovered what they've been doing in Area 51 all these years.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, can you please tell me the location and size of your rock, and how you are able to get Internet access there? Also, how are you able to keep the rock from falling on your head? That's the problem I always had. The rock kept falling on my head, giving me massive concussions, which caused temporary blackouts and loss of short-term memory. So I eventually gave up and moved back into the house.
Area 51 has been used by the U.S. Government for the development of the Human Cell-Reproduction Teleportation Module, code-named the Dick Vitale Project, or DVP. The sole purpose of DVP is to allow Dick Vitale to provide commentary for every college basketball game that has ever been and will ever be played on planet earth.
The U.S. Department of Defense, which created Vitale in 1974 by implanting a human embryo into a laughing hyena, began DVP in 1982 as a Cold War anti-Russian program. The initial intent was to use hidden code contained in Vitale's voice to reprogram Americans to want to join the Air Force. Unfortunately, with the Cold War ending before DVP's completion, the project was no longer needed. However, rather than scrapping the project altogether, the DOD used its tremendous influence on ESPN to insert Vitale into college basketball telecasts.
While it is unclear exactly what message the DOD is now using Vitale to convey (best guesses include "have more babies" and "buy a Buick"), it feels it is imperative to send this message to 100% of college basketball fans worldwide. Hence, DVP, which allows Vitale to instantly be zapped from one basketball court to another, ensuring that he will never miss a basketball game, and thus ensuring that we will never see another college basketball game without having "BABY!!!!!!" screamed at us every 3.2 seconds. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/24/2006
For those of you who have been living under a rock, can you please tell me the location and size of your rock, and how you are able to get Internet access there? Also, how are you able to keep the rock from falling on your head? That's the problem I always had. The rock kept falling on my head, giving me massive concussions, which caused temporary blackouts and loss of short-term memory. So I eventually gave up and moved back into the house.
Area 51 has been used by the U.S. Government for the development of the Human Cell-Reproduction Teleportation Module, code-named the Dick Vitale Project, or DVP. The sole purpose of DVP is to allow Dick Vitale to provide commentary for every college basketball game that has ever been and will ever be played on planet earth.
The U.S. Department of Defense, which created Vitale in 1974 by implanting a human embryo into a laughing hyena, began DVP in 1982 as a Cold War anti-Russian program. The initial intent was to use hidden code contained in Vitale's voice to reprogram Americans to want to join the Air Force. Unfortunately, with the Cold War ending before DVP's completion, the project was no longer needed. However, rather than scrapping the project altogether, the DOD used its tremendous influence on ESPN to insert Vitale into college basketball telecasts.
While it is unclear exactly what message the DOD is now using Vitale to convey (best guesses include "have more babies" and "buy a Buick"), it feels it is imperative to send this message to 100% of college basketball fans worldwide. Hence, DVP, which allows Vitale to instantly be zapped from one basketball court to another, ensuring that he will never miss a basketball game, and thus ensuring that we will never see another college basketball game without having "BABY!!!!!!" screamed at us every 3.2 seconds. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/24/2006
