Tuesday, March 28, 2006
financial advice column
I'm practicing to be one of those financial advice columnists. Let me know what you think!
How To Get Out Of Debt And Get Your Financial Life On The Right Track And Start Saving Because Saving Is Good And Debt Is Bad So Here Is Some Advice On Getting A Plan Started To Accomplish This In Your Own Life (tentative title)
Dear monger187,
My wife and I need your advice. I work as a Software Consultant for like some software consulting company or something, and my wife manages a team of door-to-door printer cable salespeople. Although my wife's job provides a lucrative salary of $85,000, she has decided to leave her position to devote her attention to the full-time care of Fluffy, our 2 year old Pekingese. This leaves us with only my salary of $22,000.
We have $3.28 in a long-term CD and $0.18 in a money market account, which we are not able to touch because the company charges a $5.00 withdrawal fee. Our checking account has a balance of $24.78. We also own a collection of rare pogs. My wife and I recently took out $200,000 in auto loans to have our "rides pimped." As recently as three months ago, we had $50,000 in equity in our home, but we took out a fifth mortgage and used the proceeds to have our sofa covered in authentic zebra hair.
Sincerely,
Diligent Unlucky Man Brings A Scary Situation
Dear D.U.M.B.A.S.S.,
My first recommendation is that, while attempting to locate a "friend" in the alley behind Circuit City, you find a briefcase containing $1.6 million in cash. The briefcase will have some blood on it, but after examining it, you should decide that it is probably just from some animal or something. Also, throw the briefcase in a dumpster in another county.
Next, you should be chosen to be a contestant on Deal Or No Deal, and through a simple death threat, convince the show's producers to tell you which suitcase has the $1,000,000 in it. Just to be funny, you should pick the suitcases in order from $0.01 to $750,000, leaving only the $1,000,000. Howie Mandel will totally freak out. Then skip out on paying taxes on the winnings, because come on, hasn't the government got enough money already?
Then, you should invest the $2.6 million in a stock that will double the following week. These kinds of stocks are easy to locate, as long as you are willing to devote at least 13 minutes to "exhaustive research." A good place to start is in your email: sometimes the best stocks are the ones strangers email you about. Also, you probably need one of those fancy stock charting software packages that they sell on TV for $39.95. The $39.95 should come from money you find in your jacket pockets.
This leaves $5.2 million. You should make it a nice round $5 million by giving $200,000 to some sort of charity or something. Good things always seem to happen to good people, and $200,000 is a pretty small price to pay for membership in the "good people" gang.
You should then spend $50,000 for a private golfing lesson with Tiger Woods and $100,000 to buy up all the tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas so the two of you can have the whole ship to yourselves. Because, come on, everyone needs to pamper themselves a little bit sometimes.
As you can tell, sticking to a financial plan like this will not be easy. It will require hard work, dedication, and even a little bit of luck. But by heeding my advice, you too can have financial freedom! ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/28/2006
How To Get Out Of Debt And Get Your Financial Life On The Right Track And Start Saving Because Saving Is Good And Debt Is Bad So Here Is Some Advice On Getting A Plan Started To Accomplish This In Your Own Life (tentative title)
Dear monger187,
My wife and I need your advice. I work as a Software Consultant for like some software consulting company or something, and my wife manages a team of door-to-door printer cable salespeople. Although my wife's job provides a lucrative salary of $85,000, she has decided to leave her position to devote her attention to the full-time care of Fluffy, our 2 year old Pekingese. This leaves us with only my salary of $22,000.
We have $3.28 in a long-term CD and $0.18 in a money market account, which we are not able to touch because the company charges a $5.00 withdrawal fee. Our checking account has a balance of $24.78. We also own a collection of rare pogs. My wife and I recently took out $200,000 in auto loans to have our "rides pimped." As recently as three months ago, we had $50,000 in equity in our home, but we took out a fifth mortgage and used the proceeds to have our sofa covered in authentic zebra hair.
Sincerely,
Diligent Unlucky Man Brings A Scary Situation
Dear D.U.M.B.A.S.S.,
My first recommendation is that, while attempting to locate a "friend" in the alley behind Circuit City, you find a briefcase containing $1.6 million in cash. The briefcase will have some blood on it, but after examining it, you should decide that it is probably just from some animal or something. Also, throw the briefcase in a dumpster in another county.
Next, you should be chosen to be a contestant on Deal Or No Deal, and through a simple death threat, convince the show's producers to tell you which suitcase has the $1,000,000 in it. Just to be funny, you should pick the suitcases in order from $0.01 to $750,000, leaving only the $1,000,000. Howie Mandel will totally freak out. Then skip out on paying taxes on the winnings, because come on, hasn't the government got enough money already?
Then, you should invest the $2.6 million in a stock that will double the following week. These kinds of stocks are easy to locate, as long as you are willing to devote at least 13 minutes to "exhaustive research." A good place to start is in your email: sometimes the best stocks are the ones strangers email you about. Also, you probably need one of those fancy stock charting software packages that they sell on TV for $39.95. The $39.95 should come from money you find in your jacket pockets.
This leaves $5.2 million. You should make it a nice round $5 million by giving $200,000 to some sort of charity or something. Good things always seem to happen to good people, and $200,000 is a pretty small price to pay for membership in the "good people" gang.
You should then spend $50,000 for a private golfing lesson with Tiger Woods and $100,000 to buy up all the tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas so the two of you can have the whole ship to yourselves. Because, come on, everyone needs to pamper themselves a little bit sometimes.
As you can tell, sticking to a financial plan like this will not be easy. It will require hard work, dedication, and even a little bit of luck. But by heeding my advice, you too can have financial freedom! ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/28/2006
