free the ipods I know you have all seen those people who are trying to get "free iPods." It seems like such a sweet deal, all you have to do is hound all of your soon-to-be ex-friends to sign up for a slew of credit cards, video rental programs, and kidney donation services, and then voila! you get a nice new iPod, and your now ex-friends get to hound all of their soon-to-be ex-friends to do the same thing for them.

But here's the problem: I don't want an iPod. I've tried using that lame iTunes piece of garbage, and every time I've opened it, it takes over every single music file on my computer. And apparently, ripping files is not known as "ripping files." Nope, Apple, trying to be different as usual, decided to call it something else. I forgot what they call it, but it's something stupid and lame, just like Apple is.

So I decided that I do not want an iPod. And don't beg me to sign up for your stuff so that you can have an iPod, because I don't want you to have one either.

However, I do want a Rio Karma. And just like the iPod people, I want it for free. But since there is no freeriokarmas.com website yet, I have devised my own way of getting a free Rio Karma: you people buy it for me. That's right, you've been reading this blog for free for far too long. I figure it's the least you owe me.

You can discuss amongst yourselves how you are going to divide the cost. I'll even allow you to use the "comments" to do so. I'll give you until the end of April to purchase and ship my free Rio Karma, but by April 30 I expect to have a shiny, new Rio Karma in my hands.

Thank you for your time. And for my Rio Karma.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/25/2005 0 comments

  dave and brian I was just noticing today that approximately 92% of adult males in the US are named either Dave or Brian.

I did a little research on the topic, and it turns out that this is due to the US Bureau of Naming Rights' clamping down on what they felt were overly creative baby names in the 1970's. The controversy began when rock musicians started naming their kids things like "Dweezle" and "Mary Jane." Concerned that names in the United States would soon explode to include numbers, symbols, and pictures, the government decided to crack down on this creative naming.

The efforts culminated in the US Male Naming Bill of 1972, which had good intentions and originally provided an "acceptable names list." However, certain provisions were added by Congressmen Dave Willingham of Nebraska and Brian Talbert of New Jersey, dropping all names but Brian and Dave from the list. Unfortunately, no one noticed that the name list had been reduced until after the bill had been signed by President Nixon. The bill became law in October 1972.

The US Male Naming Law of 1972 was eventually repealed in 1978, but during this time there were some 23 million male babies born in the United States, and almost all of them were named Dave or Brian. There were some exceptions, but the parents of these babies were fined $300 each, due to noncompliance.

In the early 21st Century, some lawmakers, apparently nostalgic for the free-wheeling 70's, briefly toyed with the idea of reintroducing the law, this time limiting names to Ethan, Nicholas, and Connor. Many parents went ahead and named countless babies Ethan, Nicholas, and Connor, apparently concerned that the provisions would be retroactive to babies born as early as January 1, 2000. However, the bill was killed and no such naming restrictions are currently in place.

Bottom line: if you want to name your baby "monger187" or some other similarly awesome name, now is the time to take advantage of your current freedom to do so.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/23/2005 0 comments

  it's a post - isn't that enough for you? I guess I owe you people an update. Or maybe an explanation. I swear, you people are so demanding! Well, I'm not dead. That enough for you? Well, okay, probably not, but it'll have to do for now. Just hang tight, I'm planning a really kick-ass post in the near future. As soon as I figure out what that's going to be, I'll post it. Now stop whining already!  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/21/2005 0 comments

  throwing up chainsaws If there's one thing in this world that truly boggles my mind, it's people that juggle chainsaws. I was pondering this while tossing and catching my pen repeatedly. I must admit, I'm pretty damn good at catching my spinning pen. I may even be one of the best in the world. But even I drop one every once in a while. And if I drop a pen, it's not that big a deal. I just pick it up and throw it against the wall in furious anger, smashing it into a thousand pieces.

But consider for a moment the chainsaw jugglers. Okay, don't even think about the fact that there are literally billions of jagged, fast-moving teeth. Just consider the fact that these chainsaw things are pretty heavy, awkwardly shaped, and there are three of them for crying out loud! Now add in the jagged, flesh-tearing teeth, and we have a pretty serious stunt right here. Jumping over a few buses on a motorcycle? Child's play compared with the chainsaw jugglers.

So what it all boils down to is that these people are willing to bet their left hand, right ear, and any other appendages that may get in the way, that they can catch the chainsaw every single time. There are no mistakes here, no second chances. You miss once and your chainsaw juggling days are over. Your living days may be over, too

Perhaps what's most puzzling about the chainsaw jugglers is that the reward is just not that high, compared with the spectacular risk. I bet they only get paid about a million dollars a year. And there's very little fame to go around. They hardly ever make the cover of Field & Stream or Good Housekeeping. In fact, I dare you to name the top five chainsaw jugglers in the world. I can only name three.

So my hat's off to the chainsaw jugglers of the world. My hat will be off as long as your various appendages are not.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/07/2005 0 comments

  give me some credit Am I the only person who is incredibly disappointed with the way video games reward us for winning?

Things were going just fine, I was kicking some serious Super Mario 3 butt. I was totally stoked. The bad guy just fell through a big hole in the ground, and I finally rescued the princess and saved the Mushroom Kingdom from this really bad ugly dude. I figured this calls for some serious celebration. Imagine my disappointment when I got a few three second clips of Mario stepping on some turtles and a list of names that I can't even pronounce. I figure that I devoted so many hours of my commuting time to saving this princess, I should get something better. Like maybe some kind of a code for a free coffee at Starbucks or something. But nope, just a lame animation and a list of credits.

Why do we have to work so hard to see the credits in video games? Movie credits are pretty easy to come by. All you have to do is stay awake until the end of the movie. Well, okay, with movies like Batman & Robin out there, that may be easier said than done. But even bad movies tell you some things at the beginning of the movie. Director, producer, lead lighting technician, it's all right up there at the front of the film. It's only if you want to know the best boy grip that you need to watch until the end.

Yeah, I know, if I played video games that were created in the last couple of decades, I might get more satisfying endings. I'm sure you can all spout off 300 video games that have good endings. But don't you get it by now? I don't want answers, I just want to complain.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 3/03/2005 0 comments