mindless drivel
Friday, May 01, 2009
  just stepped out of the time machine
In October 2008 I had just finished the time machine, and I was thinking about putting something in the blog about it, then I got so caught up in wanting to try out the time machine that I forgot all about it. Then I was just entering the space-time continuum and I was like “Oh crap, I was going to post something on the blog about how I would be ‘away for a while’” or something equally ominous and ambiguous. But by then it was too late. Anyway, turns out I missed a lot of the time-travel stuff going on outside the time machine window while I was thinking about it. I hope you’re happy!

Speaking of which, I’m really not sure what was going on outside of the time machine. I think most of the good stuff was at the beginning when I was day-dreaming about the blog. There was a lot of darkness. Every once in a while there was a flash of light like lightning in the distance, but every time I turned my head to see it I ended up just missing it. Plus I didn’t really think much about putting windows on the time machine, so I only had a pretty small viewing area.

Time travel was actually a little bit disappointing, to be honest. For one thing, even though I was technically “traveling through time,” it was not instantaneous like I thought it would be. In fact, the journey from October 2008 to today actually took like thirty minutes. It may not sound like much, but trust me, sitting in the time machine is pretty boring. Assuming it would just be instantaneous, I didn’t even think to bring along a book.

There are other disappointments about time travel, too. For instance, I bought a cell phone for $99 before I left, to bring along on the journey with me, so that I could call everyone I knew when I got there (here?) and make stupid jokes about how “young” I was feeling. But then I was in Best Buy today (I couldn’t find a Circuit City for some reason), and they were giving it away for free with a 2 year contract! Man, what a waste! I thought about just going back to last October and not buying it, but the thought of spending another 30 minutes in the time machine was enough to end those thoughts. Another thing, my computer is now obsolete.

Also, due to the time travel I missed a lot of episodes of my favorite TV shows. You wouldn’t think this would be such a big deal – I didn’t even consider it – but I lead a pretty boring life, and I watch a lot of TV. Don’t judge me. Anyway, I tried to watch this week’s Lost, and man I had no idea what was going on whatsoever. Granted, the show’s pretty confusing as it is, but what the hell? They’re back on The Island again? And they’re in the Dharma Initiative now? I am completely confused. I tried reading the recaps on Wikipedia (glad that’s still around!) but I got bored and just said forget it.

I’ll try to post some more about the time travel when I get around to it. Right now I’m off to check my 401(k) balance. I can’t wait to find out how much money I’ve made over the last seven months! Compounding interest, baby!
Monday, October 06, 2008
  new post!
Yes I'm still here, yes it's been a long time since I've posted anything, yes I had a granola bar for breakfast this morning.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
  general motors press release
General Motors, a wholly owned subsidiary of Aunt Suzie's Hallmark Store (located at the corner of 33rd and Main St in downtown Detroit), has announced plans to develop a small car to capitalize on today's changing market. A company spokesman stated, "We now believe that customers prefer the comfort and style of a really, really small car to the living-rooms-on-wheels we've offered them in the past."

As of early this year, General Motors' smallest offering was the GMC Yukon 3XL. Fortunately, GM has discovered that the once-popular SUV can quickly and easily be converted into a compact car with only minor alterations. The company has stated that the new vehicle will be available for purchase in less than three days.

Several GM brands will receive a version of the new small car. In order to evoke the "small" image, the cars will be marketed under the following names: Chevy Molecule, Pontiac Paramecium, Saturn Calista Flockhart's Biceps, GMC Scott Baio's Career, Buick Nickelback's Talent, Hummer Bill O'Reilly's Brain, Cadillac John McCain's Chances Of Winning The Presidential Election, Saab Brett Favre's Remaining Green Bay Packers Fanbase, Opel George W. Bush's Approval Rating.
A photo of the car is below.

Monday, July 28, 2008
  feeling fresh
Having just come back from the dentist, I feel compelled to comment on what the people on TV call That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling. I had always assumed That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling was a good thing, considering how fervently tooth product companies tout it as rationale for the use of their products. But after finally going to an actual dentist, I found out that That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling should really be called That Fresh From The Boxing Ring Feeling. And I'm not talking about a boxing ring where Jose Canseco is your opponent either. It's not quite like being in the rign with Tyson, although I suspect maybe a visit to the Ear Nose Throat doctor might make you feel like that. Especially if you had to have part of your ear removed, maybe because of frostbite or something?

Now my gums feel beaten, swollen, and bloodied, my teeth are scratched and sensitive, and my feelings are hurt because they told me I'm not brushing the right way or flossing enough. Why would I want to pay money to buy products that make me feel this way every time I brush my teeth? That's like every week!

Forget the dentist, to me there's no better feeling than opening a suitcase and finding a very large sum of unmarked bills. Is there any way they can put that in a tube? Or coat it in plastic and stick bristles at the end of it? They could call it That Fresh From The Suitcase Of Unmarked Bills Feeling. If any of you people out there work for one of those toothpaste companies, please send me a suitcase of unmarked bills for giving you the idea.

I'm sure many of you cynics out there will say that my idea would never work. But I'm sure you're just jealous that you didn't think of it first. Also, you're jealous of my fiendish good looks, quick wit, and muscular physique. But if my plan does work, at least one of us, i.e. me, will be experiencing That Fresh From The Suitcase Of Unmarked Bills Feeling.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
  housing crisis solved!
Fan(s) of mindless drivel have come to rely on this site for poignant and timely financial advice. Unfortunately those fan(s) have been disappointed time and time again. Well, that's all about to change, because I've figured out the answer to the housing crisis!

Here's how it works:

1) You buy my house for an extremely inflated price. While it's true that my house is not technically for sale per se, your offer will be so inflated that it will be quite difficult to ignore. After all, we're in the midst of a housing crisis, you dumbass!

2) Other people notice that my house has sold for an exorbitant price. How do they know? I don't know, maybe you post something on YouTube? Or send some kind of text message to somebody? I don't care, it's really not my problem anymore.

3) The rest of the story basically involves supply and demand, the Laffer Curve, or something else you probably read in an economics textbook in your junior year of high school. I don't really know how it's going to work, the most important part is step 1 anyway.

4) The End.
Monday, April 07, 2008
  being human
I'm pretty sure I got screwed when I was born a human being. Having been a spider monkey in a previous life, I had always looked up to the humans, what with their opposable thumbs and relatively low level of back hair. But after nearly a year of going through the awkward human baby phase, I was ready to go back to being an animal.

Here's my main issue: why in the world do we humans need to learn how to do everything? Look at cows for instance. The minute they're born, they're walking, eating, mooing, chewing their cud, mooing, standing around doing nothing, being mutilated by aliens, and mooing. When I was one minute old I couldn't even control the constant flailing of my arms and legs. For a while there, I even used to poop in my pants! Walking? Forget about it, that was a good three weeks away. It wasn't until I was four months old that I could even read!

Did you know that, according to a recent study by the Emdee Group, approximately 98.72% of humans never learn calculus? If we were born knowing calculus, think of how much easier life would be! For instance, you could take a nice long nap from 2:00-2:50 every afternoon while you're a senior in high school. And also maybe you could be an engineer, or a mathematician of some kind. I'm sure calculus has many other uses, I just can't think of them right now.

That's just one of the many things we could be born with. We could also be born knowing how to read people's minds or predict the future. Let's be creative here!

I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I have a relatively favorable life span and a soul and all. Hey, leave me alone, at least I'm trying here!
Friday, February 22, 2008
  tarred and feathered
I think if I ever have to choose among the many medieval torture and humiliation techniques, I would probably choose to be tarred and feathered. The iron maiden seems too messy, and the rack sounds like it might hurt a lot. On the other hand, being tarred and feathered would probably burn a little bit from all of that hot tar, and I guess it would be kind of embarrassing to have all those feathers and look like a chicken. Also, tar smells pretty bad. But at the end of the day, at least you don't end up with a bunch of holes in your body.

I assume when the angry mob comes to your house they give you a choice of torture technique. After all, we're all human here! Besides, all I did was create a voodoo doll of the king and repeatedly poke its eyeballs.

Another good one is the stocks. Seriously, you're just going to hold my feet in place for a few days? That's cool, I could use a nice nap anyway. I guess when you think about it, the stocks might even be better than being tarred and feathered, but it would probably get kind of boring after a while (I wonder if they would let you bring a book???). That's definitely not going to be an issue if you are covered in feathers. Imagine how much fun it will be to run around pretending you're a chicken! If you're good enough at acting like a chicken, somebody from some chicken restaurant like KFC or Popeye's might see you and want to hire you to stand outside their restaurant with a sign so people will see you and think "Hey, you know, I'm in the mood for some chicken."

Here's another hint: definitely do not choose impalement. It is not fun, trust me.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
  happy 2008
Another year, another step closer to the future.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
  world's most expensive dessert
Yahoo's got yet another headline about the World's Most Expensive Dessert, a $25,000 pile of exotic chocolates and gold leaf, served in a 23-karat gold goblet. To that I say: Big Deal.

I personally have a cookie in my cabinet that I am now officially offering for sale for $100 billion. Therefore, I have just shattered the record for the World's Most Expensive Dessert!

The cookie, which I call Cookie D'Elegance D'm&m D'Generic Target Brand, is served in a large Ziploc baggie, which is used to preserve flavor and keep out ants. The cookie features one variety of milk chocolate, presented in bite-size oblong spheres covered by thin candy shells. The cookie itself is made of flour, sugar, butter, and a mysterious mix of chemicals and preservatives. All ingredients have been harvested from exotic locations such as Cincinnati and Newark.

The cookie was originally part of a 24 piece set, but my kids and I ate all of the other pieces of the set, making this example even more exclusive. Regarding the others, my initial reaction was: "Eh, they were okay I guess, made a lot of crumbs when I took a bite, and the 'm&m's' didn't even have the m's on them."

The cookie has currently aged one week in my cabinet, and was aged on the Target snack aisle shelf for countless weeks before that. Any subsequent aging will be provided free of charge.

Interested parties should contact me immediately. I saw my 2-year old eyeing the cookie this morning, so this offer may be rescinded at any time.
Monday, November 05, 2007
  a red-letter date in the history of science

Fans of the future, particularly those who enjoy going back to it, have a lot to celebrate today. Today we celebrate the 52nd anniversary of the day Emmett Brown stood on the edge of the toilet, slipped, hit his head on the edge of the sink, and when he came to, had a revelation - a vision. That vision, of course, was the Flux Capacitor, which we now know is what makes time travel possible.

Given that November 5 has not yet gathered the required number of votes in Congress to declare Flux Capacitor Day an "Official" National Holiday, we'll have to continue to celebrate on our own. Below is a list of ways I celebrate November 5, Flux Capacitor Day:

Thursday, November 01, 2007
  monger187's money-saving tips
Well, folk(s), it appears that it may not be possible to live off home equity loans any longer. Which means that we lazy Americans face the dire choice of (a) working hard to earn our money, (b) suing somebody, or (c) being really, really cheap. Since (a) is not a realistic option for most of us due to various back-related reasons, and (b) requires that we actually order coffee at McDonald's, I'll focus on (c) today, with the following list of ways to be really, really cheap.

Clip coupons: sure, this seems logical. But people, think about all of the money you could be saving by simply cutting out those coupons! Each coupon is worth 1/100 cent, so cutting out every coupon from the Sunday paper could easily yield 4 cents or more! Get multiple newspapers and, well, you do the math! Seriously, can you do the math? I'm not very good at math. Please round to 2 decimal places.

Gas bonus: always insert the nozzle into your car before pushing the buttons and pulling the levers or whatever on the gas pump. Have you ever noticed that after you push the buttons on the pump, several drops of gas spill out of the nozzle? Now, instead of falling onto your shoes, these precious drops of gasoline can go directly into your tank. And for you Hummer owners, that "free" gas can easily propel your vehicle 3 inches or more!

Bill consolidation: send all of your bills in one envelope. Try sending them to a different place every month! You'll save several dollars on postage. I'm not sure how it works, but somehow they always seem to get to the right place. I think it has something to do with quantum physics.

Skip meals: yes, that's right, all of them. Have you ever stopped to think how much money we waste on food? If you stopped eating altogether, all that money could go directly to your pockets, where you could spend it on more worthwhile things, like getting those grill things for your teeth!

Stop smoking cigarettes: I would never, ever suggest that you stop smoking altogether. Why give up all of the many benefits of smoking, such as cancer, smelling bad, etc.? All I'm suggesting is that you stop smoking cigarettes. Recent studies have indicated that approximately 98.72% of the price of cigarettes goes to paying for new yachts for tobacco company executives. Setting fire to and smoking rolled up mortgage company stock certificates would be both more cost-effective and more satisfying.

Nose picking: Did you ever stop to think about just how much all of those Kleenexes are costing you? I didn't think so.

Halloween every day: Why do we only get free candy one day out of the year? If we were to celebrate Halloween every day, we could get all sorts of free candy! Plus, there's the added bonus of getting to go around with one of those masks like the bad guy in Scream all the time.

Skip the Xenon: When purchasing or leasing your brand new BMW, you can easily save $800 (or $20/month for those of you who like paying interest) by passing on the Xenon headlights! Besides, sometimes it just feels good to slum it up with the regular-headlighted losers out there once in a while.

No more shaving: Besides the obvious benefit of not having to buy shaving cream, razors, and little pieces of toilet paper, this trick also yields an added bonus. People will often think you are homeless and just give you money!

Sell some stuff: Specifically, sell your really valuable stuff to me at low, low prices. I'm currently in the market for gold bars and loose diamonds and am willing to pay up to $10 per pound for either.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
  celebrity gossip headlines!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
  what a croc
As if we needed another reason not to wear Crocs...UPDATE: well, the link no longer works, but let's just say you shouldn't wear Crocs on an escalator if you value your toes.
Monday, September 17, 2007
  back...to the future!
The year is 2007. We are now officially dangerously close to the 2015 future envisioned in Back To The Future Part II. I was 13 when this movie came out in 1989, and like most 13 year olds I was really looking forward to getting one of those hoverboards when I was 39. Also, like most 13 year olds, I figured that when I was 39 I would still be cool enough to want one of those hoverboards (I was right!). But here we are, only eight years away from "the future" and hoverboard technology is still in its infancy.

And don't even get me started on Mr. Fusion, the device that's supposed to create 1.21 gigawatts of electricity from banana peels, warm beer and other garbage. Granted, some of the dirty diapers I currently put in my garbage rival nuclear warheads in potency, but our ability to harness this power is at least twenty years away.

Also, according to Back To The Future Part II, in the near future we will be wearing wrap-around sunglasses that appear to be made out of a curved sheet of aluminum - there are no lenses, just more aluminum. Unfortunately, the wrap-around sunglass phase has already come and gone, and they were mostly just made out of plastic. I guess this one could still happen. But first we need to figure out how to see through aluminum.

The worst tease of all was, of course, the flying car thing. I've spent much of the past ten years practicing for my flying car license, but now it looks like we may not even have flying cars by 2015. Given the number of Ford Escorts out there with giant wings stuck on the back, I wasn't the only one banking on a flying-car future. But alas, where we're going, we do indeed need roads. In fact, we need better roads than the ones we currently have. Case in point, my ten mile drive to work took fifty-one minutes this morning, just because one traffic light was flashing red!

Yes, the Back To The Future Part II future had its issues. I don't remember what they were because I haven't seen the movie in like fifteen years. And yes, the future is not bright for the McFly family. But overall, things looked pretty cool in the future. Everything was colorful, things hovered, cars (both flying and non-flying) were all designed to look like Lamborghinis (with no regard whatsoever for pedestrian or driver safety no less!). Nowhere in the Back To The Future Part II future did I hear any mention of weapons of mass destruction, war, rising oil prices, global warming, the energy crisis, sports cheating scandals, Osama Bin Laden, or Nickelback.

I think, as a society, our goal should be to strive for the Back To The Future Part II future.
Friday, August 03, 2007
  the adventures of MittenMan
A short while ago in a galaxy not very far away, there lived a man. Actually, it was the Milky Way Galaxy. I think he lived in Wisconsin or something. Anyway, this was no ordinary man. It was MittenMan! MittenMan was much like a regular man except that on his hands he wore mittens. And he wore one of those bandana things over his face like one of those guys in the Western movies. And he always wore a hat. And an eye patch. Why did he do these things? Probably because they were easier to draw. Have you ever tried to draw eyes and a mouth? It's not easy! Also, sometimes his thumbs were on the wrong side of his hands.

MittenMan lived a relatively normal life, except for the mitten thing. He lived in his parents' basement, but then he realized that losers in movies always live in their parents' basements, so he moved into a tent in the back yard. Oh yeah, also, he was a superhero. I'm not really sure what kind of crime he fought or what, but I'm pretty sure the mittens helped. It gets pretty cold in Michigan, or Wisconsin, or wherever, so it probably helped that he wore the mittens. MittenMan's signature move was the "left." He "borrowed" this move from Coolio in the "Fantastic Voyage" video. You know, where it goes "You can't help me if you can't help yourself - you better make a left"? And Coolio does this move thing where he leans to the right and points his left hand. Anyway, that's what MittenMan did. It worked pretty well if some unsuspecting villain happened to he standing directly to his left.

MittenMan had a really, really good friend, whose name was also MittenMan. Since he had the same name, his friend usually went by Mitty McMitt. Mitty McMitt was actually a giant mitten. He, too, had an eye patch. What's with the eye patches? Maybe the two of them used to play with a BB gun a lot when they were kids or something. You'll have to wait for the prequel to find out for sure! Was Mitty McMitt real or just a figment of MittenMan's imagination? How should I know? What do I look like, some kind of expert in mittens? Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Mitty also has a signature move, the "huggy." He hugs his enemies really tight, and what with all the yarny mitten toastiness, after a while it gets really warm. This doesn't really defeat enemies per se, but it does get pretty annoying. Why does he have to be so affectionate all the time?

For some reason, MittenMan and Mitty became sworn enemies. Perhaps it had to do with revenge of some kind, or maybe it was because of Mitty's support of Hillary Clinton for President in '08. Did I mention that MittenMan was a big-time sexist?

So MittenMan and Mitty used to fight all the time and stuff. No one ever really won, usually they just insulted each other with stupid one-liners until they got tired and fell asleep. Mitty makes a really good pillow.

MittenMan also had another sworn enemy, ArchNemesis. ArchNemesis was a giant arch, whose weapon of choice was a pair of safety scissors he bought from Wal-Mart. What's with all the sworn enemies? I don't know, but I guess MittenMan was just not a very likeable guy. He was actually kind of a jerk. I don't really like him either. By the way, what's with that term, "sworn enemy"? Does that mean they have to sign a document of some kind, or have some sort of ceremony or something? Perhaps this is something else that can happen in the prequel. ArchNemesis was one bad dude, which you can tell because of his slanty eyebrows and pointy teeth. I bet MittenMan and Mitty could defeat him if they just got over their petty differences and worked together, but that ain't gonna happen, no way. Well, okay, maybe it will in the final installment of the MittenMan trilogy, MittenMan3: The Mittening, but you'll have to wait until Summer 2011 to find out.

Did anything interesting ever happen to these characters? Not really, but this installment is mostly for character development, so maybe later some plot will happen.

Observations from a guy who no longer lives in Texas and really doesn't have very much free time.

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