the adventures of MittenMan A short while ago in a galaxy not very far away, there lived a man. Actually, it was the Milky Way Galaxy. I think he lived in Wisconsin or something. Anyway, this was no ordinary man. It was MittenMan! MittenMan was much like a regular man except that on his hands he wore mittens. And he wore one of those bandana things over his face like one of those guys in the Western movies. And he always wore a hat. And an eye patch. Why did he do these things? Probably because they were easier to draw. Have you ever tried to draw eyes and a mouth? It's not easy! Also, sometimes his thumbs were on the wrong side of his hands.

MittenMan lived a relatively normal life, except for the mitten thing. He lived in his parents' basement, but then he realized that losers in movies always live in their parents' basements, so he moved into a tent in the back yard. Oh yeah, also, he was a superhero. I'm not really sure what kind of crime he fought or what, but I'm pretty sure the mittens helped. It gets pretty cold in Michigan, or Wisconsin, or wherever, so it probably helped that he wore the mittens. MittenMan's signature move was the "left." He "borrowed" this move from Coolio in the "Fantastic Voyage" video. You know, where it goes "You can't help me if you can't help yourself - you better make a left"? And Coolio does this move thing where he leans to the right and points his left hand. Anyway, that's what MittenMan did. It worked pretty well if some unsuspecting villain happened to he standing directly to his left.

MittenMan had a really, really good friend, whose name was also MittenMan. Since he had the same name, his friend usually went by Mitty McMitt. Mitty McMitt was actually a giant mitten. He, too, had an eye patch. What's with the eye patches? Maybe the two of them used to play with a BB gun a lot when they were kids or something. You'll have to wait for the prequel to find out for sure! Was Mitty McMitt real or just a figment of MittenMan's imagination? How should I know? What do I look like, some kind of expert in mittens? Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Mitty also has a signature move, the "huggy." He hugs his enemies really tight, and what with all the yarny mitten toastiness, after a while it gets really warm. This doesn't really defeat enemies per se, but it does get pretty annoying. Why does he have to be so affectionate all the time?

For some reason, MittenMan and Mitty became sworn enemies. Perhaps it had to do with revenge of some kind, or maybe it was because of Mitty's support of Hillary Clinton for President in '08. Did I mention that MittenMan was a big-time sexist?

So MittenMan and Mitty used to fight all the time and stuff. No one ever really won, usually they just insulted each other with stupid one-liners until they got tired and fell asleep. Mitty makes a really good pillow.

MittenMan also had another sworn enemy, ArchNemesis. ArchNemesis was a giant arch, whose weapon of choice was a pair of safety scissors he bought from Wal-Mart. What's with all the sworn enemies? I don't know, but I guess MittenMan was just not a very likeable guy. He was actually kind of a jerk. I don't really like him either. By the way, what's with that term, "sworn enemy"? Does that mean they have to sign a document of some kind, or have some sort of ceremony or something? Perhaps this is something else that can happen in the prequel. ArchNemesis was one bad dude, which you can tell because of his slanty eyebrows and pointy teeth. I bet MittenMan and Mitty could defeat him if they just got over their petty differences and worked together, but that ain't gonna happen, no way. Well, okay, maybe it will in the final installment of the MittenMan trilogy, MittenMan3: The Mittening, but you'll have to wait until Summer 2011 to find out.

Did anything interesting ever happen to these characters? Not really, but this installment is mostly for character development, so maybe later some plot will happen.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 8/03/2007