no tan man I'm so freaking happy! It's taken over thirty years, but I've finally discovered my super-power! Don't get all excited, not everybody has a super-power, so if you're just some schmo out there reading this, and chances are pretty good that you are, you probably don't have a super-power at all. But somehow I just always knew that I had one, I just didn't know what it was...until now.

My super-power is that no matter how much time I spend in the sun, I neither burn nor tan. At all. Two hours in the sun last weekend, and I still resemble Casper The Friendly Ghost - only without the goofy smile. Before you start getting all crazy and telling me that this is not a super-power, get over it, your jealousy is not flattering. Let me explain how this super-power can be used to capture villains and other ne'er-do-wells. Consider this: it's a really sunny day and a bad guy has just robbed a bank. He's heading out to his getaway car, but remembers that the weather man had warned of unusually high UV levels today. So he stops to slather on some SPF 30 sunscreen. That's when I nab him!

Or how about this: I'm at the beach when a bad guy steals some stuff from somebody's beach towel. Probably like some car keys or expensive sunglasses or something? Who cares, it's not important to the story. He runs off, and I'm in hot pursuit. The bad guy is in pretty good shape, so I can't really catch up to him. (Come on, if I could run really fast, wouldn't that be my super-power?) But after a while, bad guy starts to feel a slight burning sensation on his neck, ears, and arms. Within just sixty short minutes, the burn starts to become even more painful. Another hour later, and bad guy is badly sunburned, and the running motion is so painful he just can't run any more. Meanwhile, aside from being totally exhausted from two hours of running, I'm perfectly fine. That's when I nab him!

So far I haven't been officially asked to join The Justice League, or The Liberty League, or The League of Nations, but I figure that the official offers are on their way. After all, what group of crime-fighters, super-heroes and other freaks of nature would be complete without a man whose skin does not respond normally to the sun's rays? I'm also quite handsome, so that should help with the movie posters and whatnot.

How did I get this super-power? I'm not sure. Maybe after so many years in Texas, my skin is like, "What, you call this sun? Please." Or maybe it was from that tub of toxic chemicals I fell into when I got into a fight with Batman. I may never know for sure.

My super-power also comes in handy when I fall asleep by the pool.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 7/03/2007