mindless drivel
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
  band naming guide
Well, it's been fifteen years and I finally have come to a point in my life where I have both the financial resources and the physical space to own a drum set. And I even have a group of friends desperate enough to ask me to play with them. That's right, folks, I'm joining a "band." Christian rock rules!

But any time you form a band, there are many decisions that need to be made about the band's style, organization, type of tour bus to buy, brand of caviar to stock backstage, etc. But without doubt the most important decision any band must make is its name. After all, this is a decision that's going to stick forever. Music lovers in the 27th Century and beyond will be studying our art alongside the other greats: Mozart, Beethoven, Davy Jones, etc. I certainly don't want them referring to us as The Flaming Poo Bags.

So this got me to thinking, what are the traits in common with the most successful band names? And I have compiled this into a Band Naming Guide. All band names essentially fall into one of the following categories:

The "Somethings"
Examples: The Beatles, The Black Crowes, The Cramps. Naming a band "The" anything is generally pretty uncreative. Like The Bears and The Tigers, this almost falls into the realm of sports team naming, a subject I'll "tackle" in a future post (or not). But as we know based on new-fangled MLS and WNBA team names, not even sports are going with The "Somethings" anymore. So neither should you and your band. My motto: "Where the WNBA goes, so go also."

The Nonsense Combo
Examples: Dropkick Murphys, Pearl Jam. This basically involves going to the dictionary, randomly selecting two words, and pairing them together. Go ahead, try it! "Annoyance Biscuits." "Lesser Helicopter." What, you say? That doesn't make sense? Well, that's the beauty of it, folks! It doesn't have to make sense. Four grown men hanging out in a garage doesn't make sense either.

The Airplane Name
Example: U2. Okay, I admit that U2 is the only band I could think of that is named after an airplane, but how can you have a band list without including U2? I think it's considered un-American. Or at least un-Irish. Besides, there are plenty of good airplane names that have not been used yet. Stealth Bomber. Piper Cub. Airbus A-320. The possibilities are endless for any band looking to emulate the U2 band-naming formula. I think Foo Fighters is named after a UFO, but UFOs are not really airplanes, they're more like weather balloons.

The Made Up Combo Word
Examples: Megadeth, Metallica. I think this is only used by heavy metal bands, so if you're not into heavy metal, feel free to skip this one. The main point of this is to take two normal words and combine them into one really cool word. If you can figure out a way to combine "Mega" and "Death" into one one word, you've got an instant classic. Misspell "Death" and it becomes an even better name. You're going to want to stay away from pretty or cute sounding words though. "Ponycake" doesn't really evoke the emotion you're going for.

Puns
Example: X-Dream. Okay, nobody else has ever heard of X-Dream, but I can't think of anything else. And Yahoo! Search is not helping. I know they're out there though. I thought of this category when I came up with a great band name this morning: "Eve's Droppings." Okay, maybe it's not great, or even good, but I did come up with it this morning.

Somebody and The Somethings
Examples: Huey Lewis and The News, Gladys Knight and The Pips, Prince and The New Power Generation. This is an obvious variation on The Somethings, but is even more old fashioned. Nobody uses this anymore. It's what you do when you want all the attention, but somehow the rest of the band manages to finagle a very small amount of recognition. I hear No Doubt is considering going to this format.

ALL CAPS
Examples: KMFDM, NOFX. THE BEST WAY TO GET SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION IS TO USE ALL CAPS. See? It worked, didn't it? Same thing works for band names.

Well, folks, that ought to get you started. As for me, I'm reconsidering Flaming Poo Bags. It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
 
Thursday, October 13, 2005
  revenge of the birds
I went to the Texas State Fair again yesterday. I could probably rattle on all day about Big Tex, but I won't. It's been done. He's a sellout, big deal.

There are plenty of other things at the state fair. The bird exhibit for instance. You know the way these things go: they have some nice pretty birds flying around. Then they blather on, trying to make you feel guilty because that styrofoam cup you threw out last month is now negatively affecting the habitat of the yellow-chested West African puff-nosed duck-billed woodpecker, causing these beautiful birds to suffocate and die, all because you had to have those two cups of coffee on that Monday after the weekend when the kids wouldn't let you sleep in. Or because poachers, for whom I am somehow responsible, are killing off the remaining species of bald eagles. Or because I kicked a few pigeons who were trying to steal my funnel cake.

Yes, the bird show was lots of fun. But I realized later in the day that my behavior towards birds really does need to change, when I found myself using the expression "kill two birds with one stone." "Kill two birds with one stone"? How horrible! Is this any way to think about our precious birds? And I simply can't believe how nonchalantly I talk about murdering innocent birds!

So I came up with a new 21st century, touchy-feely, politically correct way of saying the same thing. Now instead of saying "killing two birds with one stone," we can say "protecting the habitat of two bird species with one conservation effort." Please begin to work this into your everyday vocabulary because we're all going to have to start saying this soon. The bird people will arrest you for conspiracy to commit attempted first degree bird-o-cide if you don't. These bird people are freakin' crazy man!
 
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
  don't say these things to me
Here is a short list of annoying expressions I can't stand:

1. Good to go - "Hey, give me a call and we'll be good to go!"

2. Playing phone tag - "Man, every time I call you, I can't reach you. We're playing some serious phone tag! Well, just call me back and I'll be good to go!"

3. At the end of the day - "At the end of the day, what really matters is that we stop playing phone tag, and if we do we'll be good to go."
 

Observations from a guy who no longer lives in Texas and really doesn't have very much free time.


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