revenge of the birds I went to the Texas State Fair again yesterday. I could probably rattle on all day about Big Tex, but I won't. It's been done. He's a sellout, big deal.

There are plenty of other things at the state fair. The bird exhibit for instance. You know the way these things go: they have some nice pretty birds flying around. Then they blather on, trying to make you feel guilty because that styrofoam cup you threw out last month is now negatively affecting the habitat of the yellow-chested West African puff-nosed duck-billed woodpecker, causing these beautiful birds to suffocate and die, all because you had to have those two cups of coffee on that Monday after the weekend when the kids wouldn't let you sleep in. Or because poachers, for whom I am somehow responsible, are killing off the remaining species of bald eagles. Or because I kicked a few pigeons who were trying to steal my funnel cake.

Yes, the bird show was lots of fun. But I realized later in the day that my behavior towards birds really does need to change, when I found myself using the expression "kill two birds with one stone." "Kill two birds with one stone"? How horrible! Is this any way to think about our precious birds? And I simply can't believe how nonchalantly I talk about murdering innocent birds!

So I came up with a new 21st century, touchy-feely, politically correct way of saying the same thing. Now instead of saying "killing two birds with one stone," we can say "protecting the habitat of two bird species with one conservation effort." Please begin to work this into your everyday vocabulary because we're all going to have to start saying this soon. The bird people will arrest you for conspiracy to commit attempted first degree bird-o-cide if you don't. These bird people are freakin' crazy man!  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/13/2005