fortune cookies are yummy This past weekend I was made aware of a scourge on our society that must be addressed. We're being duped by a major source of information and we have been looking the other way for far too long. Yes, we have a serious fortune cookie problem.

We open fortune cookies looking for answers about the future. We want to know something personal, something we couldn't find by any other means. There was a time we could crack open a fortune cookie and count on finding this information. For me, this was the only way to really find out if I was going to ace that test next week, find favor in the eyes of that special someone, or die a horrible, violent death on the way home from the restaurant. These days are apparently over.

Last weekend I paid a visit to my local Pei Wei Asian Diner, at 3412 E Hebron Parkway, Carrollton, Texas, at the corner of Hebron Parkway and Midway Road. Pei Wei offers authentic Asian cuisine and a pleasant dining experience suitable for the whole family, all at a reasonable price. The service was spectacular, and the food was amazing. That's Pei Wei Asian Diner, at the corner of Hebron and Midway in Carrollton.

Although the food was indeed savory and delicious, the fortune cookies were lacking. Opening the fortune cookie is always my favorite part of any Chinese restaurant excursion, but this time I was highly disappointed. It was some sort of truism about good friends always being there when you need them or something. "Good friends will stand by you when times get tough." Something like that. Yes, okay, very true. Good friends are good to have around. They beat the pants off bad friends or enemies any day of the week. But what will happen to me in the near future? Will I find true happiness by discovering a coupon for Lucky Charms that never expires? Will I be invited to attend a royal banquet as a special guest of the Sultan of Brunei? What? What?!?!?

If you're not going to predict my future, I say you have no business in my cookie. If you really don't know my future, just say so. I would be disappointed if I opened a fortune cookie that said, "We're not really sure what the future holds for you. You might just have to wait and see. Sorry about that." Or even if you took the magic 8-ball approach and said, "Outlook hazy, try again later." Sure, I would be disappointed, but at least I would respect you. Just be a man about it. Or just be an oracle, or a vision, or whoever or whatever it is that comes up with these cookie messages.

So, in summary, I kind of need to know my future. If the cookie doesn't know, I don't have anywhere else to turn.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 5/31/2005 0 comments

  aceface Does it bother anybody else that when you're playing blackjack, you can get "blackjack" without actually being dealt a "black jack"?

I learned this the hard way. I was playing in the International World Tournament Series of Blackjack Finals in Little Rock, Arkansas. The dealer handed me two cards, the three of hearts and the jack of spades. I jumped out of my seat and yelled "blackjack!!!!" I also yelled "slapjack!!!!" and slapped my hand on the table really hard, making everyone's cards go flying. Then, just for fun, I yelled "52 Pickup!!!" It was quite the experience. When the dealer told me that I needed to have an ace and a face card to have blackjack, I was utterly stunned. Stunned, I tell you! It's no wonder I had been so good at this game. I was also an above average redking and blackseven player. But I suck at redqueen. The other players pointed at me in ridicule. The 500,000 fans were all laughing, too. There were certainly countless others laughing at their televisions; the event was being aired on NBC opposite American Idol. I ran out of the Days Inn in shame. I ran all the way to Denny's on the other side of town, and stuffed myself silly with three Grand Slam breakfasts. The waitress told me I was crazy for ordering three breakfasts, but I didn't care. I drank an entire bottle of syrup that night. The sausage links weren't very good. I think they had been sitting out for a while.

The previous story did not happen. But it could happen. It could happen to you, or someone you love, unless we do something about it. "But I'm just one gambling commission chairman, what can I do?" you ask. Well, I'm glad you asked. You can join in the fight. You can make a difference. I've created The International Chapter to Prevent Misleading Gaming Activities, or ICPMGA for short. Please send a homemade sign-up sheet with your name, address, favorite color, and preferred brand of toothpaste, along with $1,374.13 for your annual dues. I'm currently the only member, but our membership has grown by 13% since September 2004.

It is ICPMGA's first, primary, and only goal to change the name of "blackjack" to "aceface." After all, to get a "blackjack" in blackjack, you don't need a black jack, you need an ace and a face card. Hence, "aceface." If you got a better name, join ICPMGA and we'll talk.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 5/11/2005 0 comments

  i work with an 80's pop star Well, this is not good. Perhaps this has been brought upon by my sleep deprivation, but I have a certain unnamed 80's song stuck in my head.

It turns out that someone in my office shares his name with a "one-hit wonder" 1980's artist. I know what you're thinking, and it's not Michael Bolton. I work in a real live office, not a movie set. Besides, Michael Bolton had countless hits, not just one. "When A Man Loves A Woman" was just so far superior to all the other music of its time that we often label it a "wonder." No, the person I work with sang a different song. I can't say what song it is because I shouldn't reveal the names of my co-workers. And if I gave the name of the song, you would know the name of the singer, and therefore the name of my co-worker.

But just know that a 10 second loop of the song's chorus has been been running through my head all day.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 5/04/2005 0 comments

  ramblings of the sleep deprived It's amazing what a little lack of sleep can do for you. In just a few short weeks of sleep deprivation, my typical repertoire of insightful, humorous, and intelligent banter has run dry. It seems that it has been replaced by unexplained cravings for coffee, conscious awareness of blinking activity, and bizarre fantasies of sleeping in strange places.

Please help me.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 5/04/2005 0 comments