Tuesday, October 12, 2004
the 10 dorkiest cars
Okay, as a fan of a) lists, b) cars, and c) making fun of people, I decided to compile a list of the top ten dorkiest of automobiles.
Your car says a lot about who you are. Yes, I know that many of you are shouting, "No it doesn't, you moron, it's just a way to get from here to there!" Calm down, stop shouting, I can't hear you from where you are anyway. Besides, it is obvious that someone with this attitude drives a Toyota Camry, a Ford Taurus, or a Pontiac Grand Am, an appliance automobile, if you will. These cars will get you where you need to go, they're pretty cheap, they don't use up too much gas, and, at least in the case of the Toyota, they won't break very often. Driving one of these cars says that you are practical and not too flashy. Nothing too bad. Now if you can just work on that temper...
But what if your car says something worse? What if your car tells people that you are a total dork? Well, that's why I'm here, to spare you from that disgrace. There's still time to sell your car. Now go check out Automobile Magazine's list of the 100 Coolest Cars. Pick One. Enjoy.
Now I don't intend this list to pick on people who can't afford a really good car. I'm poor, and drowning in student loan debt, just like the rest of you. I drive a Saab 9-3, which I can only afford because I got a crazy big GM employee discount. I would never fill the list with Kias and Geo Metros or other cheap cars, because these are just cheap cars that don't say anything particularly bad about their owners, other than that they can't or don't want to spend a lot of money on a car. No big deal. I will also spare vehicles like the Pontiac Aztek, because, well, it's been done. If you drive a Pontiac Aztek, it's not news to you that people say things about you behind your back. You obviously don't care, you just like spontaneous camping. Fine.
What baffles me is that people spend gobs of money just to proudly proclaim to the world that they have no taste. Therein lies the target dork vehicle. As always, I welcome feedback, positive or negative, and I figure this might be a good way to generate some, so here goes...
10) Nissan XTerra
Xtreme sports, XGames, XTerra...Name three things that start with X that haven't been cool since 1999.
9) Porsche Cayenne
I realize that Porsche likes easy money as much as the rest of us, but please don't cheapen your brand by stooping to this level again.
8) Saab 9-7x
Here's a new vehicle that screams, "We wanted an SUV so bad that we were willing to slap the proud Saab name on a Chevy TrailBlazer to get one!" The Americanization of Scandinavia has begun.
7) Mitsubishi Endeavor
Not much to say here, this thing is just plain ugly.
6) Hummer H2
Hummers were cool when Arnold Schwarzenegger was the only civilian driving one. Then they came out with the smaller, Chevy Tahoe-based H2. And it was still kind of cool. Then every rich soccer mom this side of Kalamazoo got one. And it was cool no more.
5) Buick Terraza/Pontiac Montana SV6
This is the new thing from GM. "I'm an SUV! No, I'm a minivan!" No one cares what it is, just put this eyesore out of its misery.
4) Toyota Echo/Suzuki Aerio
This is a tie, because I'm fairly certain they are the same car. 10 inch wheels - check. No power - check. Really tall, narrow, goofy styling - check. Please spend your $11,000 elsewhere.
3) Jaguar X-Type
It seems to me that there was a day that owning a Jaguar used to say something about you. Well, I suppose it still says something about you: "I spent $40,000 on a Ford Contour."
2) Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertible
Take one cartoonish caricature of a 1930's era gangster car, shrink it down to 3/4th scale, and chop off the top, and you get the PT Cruiser Convertible. Decorate with Tweety Bird or Winnie the Pooh decals accordingly.
1) Chevrolet SSR
Introducing the dorkiest vehicle of them all, the Chevy SSR. What better way to spend $50,000 than on an ugly, heavy, underpowered, convertible, quasi-retro truck thing? The saddest part about this is that the midlife crisis sufferers who buy this thing actually think they are buying instant street cred. So sad...
¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/12/2004
Your car says a lot about who you are. Yes, I know that many of you are shouting, "No it doesn't, you moron, it's just a way to get from here to there!" Calm down, stop shouting, I can't hear you from where you are anyway. Besides, it is obvious that someone with this attitude drives a Toyota Camry, a Ford Taurus, or a Pontiac Grand Am, an appliance automobile, if you will. These cars will get you where you need to go, they're pretty cheap, they don't use up too much gas, and, at least in the case of the Toyota, they won't break very often. Driving one of these cars says that you are practical and not too flashy. Nothing too bad. Now if you can just work on that temper...
But what if your car says something worse? What if your car tells people that you are a total dork? Well, that's why I'm here, to spare you from that disgrace. There's still time to sell your car. Now go check out Automobile Magazine's list of the 100 Coolest Cars. Pick One. Enjoy.
Now I don't intend this list to pick on people who can't afford a really good car. I'm poor, and drowning in student loan debt, just like the rest of you. I drive a Saab 9-3, which I can only afford because I got a crazy big GM employee discount. I would never fill the list with Kias and Geo Metros or other cheap cars, because these are just cheap cars that don't say anything particularly bad about their owners, other than that they can't or don't want to spend a lot of money on a car. No big deal. I will also spare vehicles like the Pontiac Aztek, because, well, it's been done. If you drive a Pontiac Aztek, it's not news to you that people say things about you behind your back. You obviously don't care, you just like spontaneous camping. Fine.
What baffles me is that people spend gobs of money just to proudly proclaim to the world that they have no taste. Therein lies the target dork vehicle. As always, I welcome feedback, positive or negative, and I figure this might be a good way to generate some, so here goes...
10) Nissan XTerra
Xtreme sports, XGames, XTerra...Name three things that start with X that haven't been cool since 1999.
9) Porsche Cayenne
I realize that Porsche likes easy money as much as the rest of us, but please don't cheapen your brand by stooping to this level again.
8) Saab 9-7x
Here's a new vehicle that screams, "We wanted an SUV so bad that we were willing to slap the proud Saab name on a Chevy TrailBlazer to get one!" The Americanization of Scandinavia has begun.
7) Mitsubishi Endeavor
Not much to say here, this thing is just plain ugly.
6) Hummer H2
Hummers were cool when Arnold Schwarzenegger was the only civilian driving one. Then they came out with the smaller, Chevy Tahoe-based H2. And it was still kind of cool. Then every rich soccer mom this side of Kalamazoo got one. And it was cool no more.
5) Buick Terraza/Pontiac Montana SV6
This is the new thing from GM. "I'm an SUV! No, I'm a minivan!" No one cares what it is, just put this eyesore out of its misery.
4) Toyota Echo/Suzuki Aerio
This is a tie, because I'm fairly certain they are the same car. 10 inch wheels - check. No power - check. Really tall, narrow, goofy styling - check. Please spend your $11,000 elsewhere.
3) Jaguar X-Type
It seems to me that there was a day that owning a Jaguar used to say something about you. Well, I suppose it still says something about you: "I spent $40,000 on a Ford Contour."
2) Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertible
Take one cartoonish caricature of a 1930's era gangster car, shrink it down to 3/4th scale, and chop off the top, and you get the PT Cruiser Convertible. Decorate with Tweety Bird or Winnie the Pooh decals accordingly.
1) Chevrolet SSR
Introducing the dorkiest vehicle of them all, the Chevy SSR. What better way to spend $50,000 than on an ugly, heavy, underpowered, convertible, quasi-retro truck thing? The saddest part about this is that the midlife crisis sufferers who buy this thing actually think they are buying instant street cred. So sad...
¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/12/2004
