traffic conditions and the drivers who create them Call me crazy, but I am fascinated with traffic. Granted, not so much so that I hang out in traffic in my free time, at least not by choice. But I spend enough time with it that it's become sort of a dear friend. It's not that I enjoy traffic. In fact, I can't imagine a more torturous way to spend two hours every day. But if you have to do it, you might as well at least try to enjoy it. And watching the various road people is the best way to do so.

There are the "phone-talkers." These are the people you see with one hand on the wheel and one hand firmly smooshed up against their face. It's far too difficult for them to turn their head to check their blind spot when changing lanes, when they have their left hand wrapped all the way around their face and on their right ear. So these people just give that real quick glance sort of in the area of the other cars and just come right over. As long as they don't hear any loud crunching sounds, they seem content with their successful lane change. Phone talkers usually drive a Ford Expedition or Hummer H2, as these vehicles will surely inflict the most damage should things not work out. The response by the non-phone-talker is usually the "both hands thrown up in the air in disgust" move. But why waste the energy to raise your hands? The phone-talker is not looking.

Then there are the "rockers." These people seem to have mistaken their car for a Motley Crue concert. They usually have all of the windows open and T-tops off so that everyone can enjoy their Whitesnake tapes. Thanks! They bang on their steering wheels almost in time with the beat, play air guitar, sing with amazing gusto, and dance as much as the confines of their '78 Firebird will allow. You don't want to spend very much time next to the rockers. It's nearly impossible not to stare, and getting a return glance creates quite the awkward moment.

Next is what I affectionately call the "wimps." These people have no business being on the road at all. These are the people that come to a complete stop at every entrance ramp. You see them with their necks craned backward, waiting for that perfect moment to take a leap of faith and release some of the pressure on the brake (not all, mind you - these people drive with both feet and ride their brakes incessantly) and gently apply the accelerator. There are ten or twelve people behind them, fuming. These are the same people that get to the stop sign first, but still insist on letting you go ahead of them in the interest of being courteous. Never mind that ten seconds have passed while they try to communicate to you that they would rather sit in front of a stop sign for twenty minutes than proceed with their trip to the counselor.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the "road rager." It's best to avoid these people at all costs, lest you get on their bad side. Anything can set them off. And if it does, stand back. You will surely feel the wrath. You'll get flipped off, cut off, tail-gated, and stalked. The road-rager drives with reckless abandon. Their main point is to let you know that you have somehow wronged them. Just wave and smile. They'll get the idea.

One of the most annoying drivers is the "tail-gater." These people hide amongst the regular folk in bumper-to-bumper traffic. But when things start moving, look out, the tail gater emerges. The tail-gater has absolutely no intention of passing you, he just really likes to look at your back window. "Yes, that there is some mighty fine rear-window glass. I think I need to take me a closer look." I guarantee, my back window is no more impressive than anybody else's. Please stop looking at it so closely. I find that there are two ways to shake the tail-gater: 1) put on the brakes and watch them panic, and 2) slow down to a near stand-still. Yes, these actions might cause the tail gater to change into the "road-rager," but it's still fun to see how long it takes the tail-gater to pass when you slow down to 20 while everyone else is doing 60. You see, the tail-gater is a parasite. It can only survive when attached to another host. When the tail-gater is detached from the host vehicle, it only knows to find the closest available host and attach itself. "Ahhh, that was close...whoa, check out that rear window!"

And there are the "stuck-up snobs." I take a toll road to work every day. For some reason, many people seem to think that because they pay to drive on a road, it makes them somehow superior to the other non-paying travelers. So for this reason, I see a lot of stuck-up snobs in my daily commute. The superiority oozes through the tightly closed windows of their Mercedes-Benz SL500. These people don't share the road, they own it. The rest of us get out of the way when we see them coming.

So which category do I fit into? I'm sorry to say that I'm a rocker. My style is more KMFDM than KISS, but I must admit I enjoy opening up the windows and the sunroof (they don't offer T-tops on Saabs), cranking up the ultra-heavy beat and banging away on that poor steering wheel...
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/04/2004