a tale of two mortgage company guys I work for a mortgage company. I know what you're thinking. "Oooh, this is getting suspenseful. First monger187 won't divulge the name of his employer, now he's giving us something to go on, some morsel, a tidbit, that tells something about just who this mysterious man is. How exciting!"

There are two types of mortgage guys in the world, let's call them Mortgage Company Guy A and Mortgage Company Guy B. When most people think of the mortgage company guy, they probably think, "Remember that nice mortgage company guy who helped us get our home loan?" Or perhaps, "Remember that incompetent mortgage company guy who screwed up our closing?" One way or the other, the mortgage company guy is usually associated with an exciting and eventful point in your life. You forgive his mistakes and failures because, darn it, this guy wants to help me get a home. This is Mortgage Company Guy A. Mortgage Company Guy A is there to give you money you didn't earn, to get you into a home you probably can't afford, to set you up on a mortgage with an interest rate that stays nice and low for a few years to buy him time to retire or change his name. He does things that make you feel good. No one forces you to visit Mortgage Company Guy A. We don't have some government official knocking on apartment doors and making you buy homes. "I'm sorry, monger187, you've used up your lifetime allowance of apartments. It's been 10 years, you've lived in 15 apartments, enough is enough. You're coming with me." People choose to buy a home because they want something bigger, better, and further into the suburbs for themselves and their families. In short, people like Mortgage Company Guy A. He's associated with a time in your life that is positive and good.

But there is an uglier, more sinister group of mortgage company guys. This is Mortgage Company Guy B. These are the guys who show up when things are not so bright and optimistic, when you are at your absolute lowest point in life, you can't pay your bills, your home is in foreclosure, and your life is a chaotic mess. This is when Mortgage Company Guy B emerges. Much like the suicide counselor, Mortgage Company Guy B only talks to people whose lives are at an all time low, people who have hit rock bottom. Mortgage Company Guy B does his best to make good out of a bad situation. He really wants you to keep your home. He'll cut your interest rate, forgive late fees, let you spread out your debt, whatever it takes to keep the flippin' thing from going to foreclosure. Believe me, the mortgage company wants your house less than you think it does. But despite his best efforts, Mortgage Company Guy B is still associated with tragedy and despair. His voice, no matter how calming and comforting, is forever burned in your memory in connection with the worst part of your whole life. Nobody likes to talk to Mortgage Company Guy B. Guess what kind of mortgage company guy monger187 is!

One of my favorite quotes from Office Space is: "Every day you see me is the worst day of my life." But in my case: "Every day you see me is the worst day of your life." So if you are ever down on your luck, get divorced, lose a family member, go to the hospital, lose a job, or file bankruptcy, you just may get a call from good 'ol monger187. I bet you can't wait!
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/05/2004