Monday, February 28, 2005
this is not about the oscars
I finally figured out the one fatal flaw of American Idol. It's that the music just absolutely sucks. Well, okay, I have known this for quite some time. That's why I don't watch the show. But I think I may have stumbled upon the underlying reason for the suckiness of the contestants on the show. I'm not talking about the early contestants like William Hung that they bring on to humiliate and degrade in front of a national audience. I'm talking about the ones who make it past the initial rounds. The ones that win. Aiken. Studdard. Clarkson. These are the ones that truly suck.
It happened innocently enough while I was at lunch the other day. I sat at my table, eating my roast beef sandwich, taking in the sounds of the local easy listening station that they pump into the cafeteria here at my building, when something familiar hit my ears. It was none other than Paula Abdul, singing her timeless classic "Straight Up." It was at this moment that it hit me. For several hours every week, millions of Americans sit glued to their televisions, listening to the criticism of one Paula Abdul, hanging onto her every word. Do these people not remember that this is the person who gave the world the lyrics "Straight up now tell me, Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh, Or am I caught in a hit and run"?
It struck me as odd that a washed up pop star that was only mediocre in her prime is now seen as some sort of music critic extraordinaire. But we actually know more about Ms. Abdul than we do the other two judges. So I took the liberty of looking into the pasts of the other judges, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson. The results were shocking.
Randy Jackson grew up on the mean streets of Dubuque, Iowa. After narrowly escaping minor injury in a drive-by potato gun incident, Randy felt it was time to clean up his act and get his life straightened out. He'd had a God-given singing talent, but never quite had "the look" that the big-name Dubuque talent scouts were looking for. Randy spent many hours every day calling the customer service phone numbers of the major record companies, hoping to get a break in the music scene. One day he managed to reach a particularly helpful supervisor who found him a job as one of the singers for Milli Vanilli. After the surprising revelation that Milli Vanilli was a sham, Randy got some shocking news of his own. His voice never even made it onto the Milli Vanilli albums. The record company had agreed to record his voice, to get him to stop calling, but never officially agreed to put his voice on the albums. Heartbroken, Randy decided to try his hand at television. He called the Fox Studios, and after one call was able to get signed on to American Idol.
Simon graduated from high school in a London suburb, then promptly moved to Hollywood to become a pop star. After twenty-three failed attempts to try for Star Search, Simon began making physical threats to Ed McMahon. He was subsequently served with a restraining order and was not allowed to be within 500 feet of the Carson sidekick. At this point Simon became dejected and was forced to take a job working the drive through window at Wendy's. It was here that Simon really began to craft his true talent of being rude and insulting people. His favorite catch phrases of "That was absolutely ghastly" and "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf" all draw their roots to these early Wendy's days. At the time, he was new to the insult game, and his best material included lines like "I didn't give you any ketchup because you're ugly" and "You can have the mustard you asked for, but I'm going to spit on your burger anyway." It just so happened that a Fox executive was pulling through the Wendy's drive through one day. When Simon told the executive he had big ears, the Fox executive thought Simon would be perfect for a new reality TV show that was in the works called "Insult the Singers." Simon was signed on immediately and the show eventually became "American Idol."
So now that you know a little bit more about the tribulations these judges have gone through to get where they are, you can watch the show with a new appreciation for their hard work and dedication. Or you can just be like me and not watch at all. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 2/28/2005
It happened innocently enough while I was at lunch the other day. I sat at my table, eating my roast beef sandwich, taking in the sounds of the local easy listening station that they pump into the cafeteria here at my building, when something familiar hit my ears. It was none other than Paula Abdul, singing her timeless classic "Straight Up." It was at this moment that it hit me. For several hours every week, millions of Americans sit glued to their televisions, listening to the criticism of one Paula Abdul, hanging onto her every word. Do these people not remember that this is the person who gave the world the lyrics "Straight up now tell me, Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh, Or am I caught in a hit and run"?
It struck me as odd that a washed up pop star that was only mediocre in her prime is now seen as some sort of music critic extraordinaire. But we actually know more about Ms. Abdul than we do the other two judges. So I took the liberty of looking into the pasts of the other judges, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson. The results were shocking.
Randy Jackson grew up on the mean streets of Dubuque, Iowa. After narrowly escaping minor injury in a drive-by potato gun incident, Randy felt it was time to clean up his act and get his life straightened out. He'd had a God-given singing talent, but never quite had "the look" that the big-name Dubuque talent scouts were looking for. Randy spent many hours every day calling the customer service phone numbers of the major record companies, hoping to get a break in the music scene. One day he managed to reach a particularly helpful supervisor who found him a job as one of the singers for Milli Vanilli. After the surprising revelation that Milli Vanilli was a sham, Randy got some shocking news of his own. His voice never even made it onto the Milli Vanilli albums. The record company had agreed to record his voice, to get him to stop calling, but never officially agreed to put his voice on the albums. Heartbroken, Randy decided to try his hand at television. He called the Fox Studios, and after one call was able to get signed on to American Idol.
Simon graduated from high school in a London suburb, then promptly moved to Hollywood to become a pop star. After twenty-three failed attempts to try for Star Search, Simon began making physical threats to Ed McMahon. He was subsequently served with a restraining order and was not allowed to be within 500 feet of the Carson sidekick. At this point Simon became dejected and was forced to take a job working the drive through window at Wendy's. It was here that Simon really began to craft his true talent of being rude and insulting people. His favorite catch phrases of "That was absolutely ghastly" and "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf" all draw their roots to these early Wendy's days. At the time, he was new to the insult game, and his best material included lines like "I didn't give you any ketchup because you're ugly" and "You can have the mustard you asked for, but I'm going to spit on your burger anyway." It just so happened that a Fox executive was pulling through the Wendy's drive through one day. When Simon told the executive he had big ears, the Fox executive thought Simon would be perfect for a new reality TV show that was in the works called "Insult the Singers." Simon was signed on immediately and the show eventually became "American Idol."
So now that you know a little bit more about the tribulations these judges have gone through to get where they are, you can watch the show with a new appreciation for their hard work and dedication. Or you can just be like me and not watch at all. ¶ monger187 wrote this on 2/28/2005
