they zapped me with lasers My decision to get lasik was, in many ways, made for me. Both of my brothers were blessed with perfect vision. I wasn't. I always knew there was an "E" on the eye chart, but I could never really see it (isn't it funny how it's always an "E"? I wonder if any eye chart makers ever considered using a different letter to throw people off?). So my parents decided that they wanted to get me the gift of vision, maybe to try to make things right between my brothers and me. The idea had been one that I had tossed around for a few years, but my contacts never bothered me enough for me to actually save up the money and get it done myself, not that saving that kind of money was even a remote possibility for someone in my situation. I honestly don't think I would have ever gotten around to doing it if I'd had to pay for it myself. The contacts were a small nuisance. I had really good vision with them, but from time to time they would cause some irritation and I had to take them out after a long day. And of course, there are the typical things that all lasik people say: 1) I hated having to put my glasses on to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, 2) I couldn't even see the alarm clock when I woke up in the morning, 3) I forgot what it was like to be able to open my eyes underwater, 4) etc., etc., etc... These are all reasonable excuses, but enough to spend thousands of dollars to go under the proverbial knife and take the chance of changing one's vision irreversibly?

Summer 2004 - I began looking around for a good lasik surgeon. I was new to the Dallas area, so I knew nobody who'd had the surgery here. The only thing I knew was that all sorts of minor local celebrities seemed to like to hawk the procedure at Dr. B's office in Plano. He says he has performed 50,000 procedures. Dr. B puts out full page ads in the newspaper, on the radio, on TV during Jeopardy. He even gets Sean Hannity to endorse him. All of this is fine and good, but really turned me off of his practice. I mean, this is surgery after all. I rarely, if ever, see TV ads for heart surgeons bragging about how many celebrities they have operated on. I decided also to scan the internet to try to find at least one other reputable surgeon. Through numerous searches and much reading, mostly done at work, I decided to also go to see Dr. G. I had read that he was well-known and respected by his peers for cornea transplants and other complicated-sounding procedures, in addition to doing about 10 lasik surgeries a week.

I saw Dr. B first. When I went in, it turned out exactly as I had imagined. Dr. B's office is in an early 80's looking strip mall-type of place in an older area of Plano (yes, 20 years old is "older" in Plano standards). There were about 30 people waiting in a room, all faced toward a TV with the same celebrities saying how wonderful Dr. B is. I couldn't help but wonder how much these people had been paid to say this, especially now that I've seen that Mike Piazza was paid $20,000 to brush his teeth on the Apprentice. Yes, I realize that Dat Nguyen's wife probably doesn't command the same kind of premium as Mike Piazza, but still...When I was finally called in to see the "doctor," I of course never actually saw the doctor. This was only the free initial screening. Seeing the doctor was reserved for the paying customers only. A guy in scrubs made me look at a hot air balloon in a machine, then did a quick eye dominance test (I'm right-eye dominant - go righties!), then declared me a perfect lasik candidate. Then it was back to the waiting room. The video was thrilling the first few times, but by this time it was just annoying. After another 30 minutes or so I was called in to see a "consultant," whose job was obviously to "sell" me the procedure. Once again, my cynicism caused my mind to wonder exactly what his commission split looked like. Was he getting paid to get me zapped by hell or high water? Probably. Turned out that I just happened to come in while there was a "summer special" and they were taking $600 off the price to get everyone done with Intralase and CustomVue. Yeah! Can you believe my luck?! The whole experience felt the same way you feel at a car dealership. "What do I have to do to get you into these eyes today?" That sort of thing. So, anyway, the entire procedure was $3390. I told them I would think about it. They sent me home with a piece of paper with the cost scribbled on it and rushed me out a back door.

My appointment with Dr. G was about a week later. The experience was much different. The whole place looked more like a hospital than a strip mall. The waiting area was also more like a hospital's. The TV was on Jeopardy, not on celebrity endorsements. Better be careful, Dr. B ads might come on, and I might be swayed to go to him instead! I was put through a series of tests, including the hot air balloon one (what is it with these hot air balloons? Don't you think I have better things to look at with my laser-vision?). They even did the custom mapping thing for CustomVue to test for "higher order aberrations." I'm not sure what these are, but I don't think I like them. I did get to meet Dr. G on this visit. He is a smallish guy in his 50's or so, with a mustache. Who has a mustache these days?! Anyway, he seemed like a nice guy who cared about me, and this left me with a very good feeling. At this point, I did go to see another "consultant," but it was more to answer any questions I had than to sell me on anything. The cost for a similar procedure was $4800. They left me with a packet of information about the procedure and the risks and sent me on my way.

When it came to my decision between the two doctors, it seemed pretty easy, except for that pesky matter of $1410. I probably shouldn't mention this out of respect for Dr. G, but what the heck. I negotiated the price down by $300 by telling Dr. G's office that I really wanted to go to him but I was having a hard time justifying the premium. That negotiations class I took for my MBA is really paying off. So now it was only $1110. Still a lot though, and I felt bad spending my parents' money if I couldn't justify the difference.

I had a really hard time making the decision about who to go to. It wasn't so much a matter of whether to go to Dr. B or Dr. G, more of whether to go to Dr. G or to not get lasik at all. In the end, though, my dad ended up talking to an ophthalmologist friend of his who recommended a doctor at the same office, so now I had his blessing to go to Dr. G, and I was ready to proceed. Yay!

I scheduled three appointments, one the day before for the final measurements, one for the procedure itself, and one the day after for follow-up. Since this all took place the week of Labor Day, I decided to go ahead and take the whole week off from work.

August 15, 2004 - I removed my contact lenses for the last time. "So long, little buddies. We've had a nice run." In the trash you go. Not that big a deal, really, they are disposable. I had no idea that going back to glasses for three weeks would be such a pain, but it was. Every time I got in my car I was blinded by the sun. My glasses are about 9 years old, so the prescription is less than stellar, plus there are scratches on every surface, including the painted part, which is chipped right in the middle between the eyes. The scratches cause this weird kaleidoscope effect whenever I look at a light. It's annoying. And of course, there are the teeth marks from where Bailey bit them while they were on my nightstand. Stupid cat. So I was now looking forward to my procedure for a whole new reason, to get out of these darn glasses.

September 7, 2004 - the day before surgery. I went in for my final tests. Things were much like the initial tests, the main difference being that these ones counted. So I made every effort to do things just like they said. I blinked when they said blink, didn't blink when they said don't blink, all that crap. Then came the fun part, where I had my eyes dilated. I've only had this done once before, and it freaks me out looking in the mirror and seeing those crazy big pupils. Hey, I look just like "Lady" from Thomas the Tank Engine! Also, I paid for the surgery in two very large credit card drafts (my parents paid me back!). I also spent a little more time with Dr. G, who convinced me to go with the old-fashioned microkeratome for the cutting of the corneal flap, instead of the new-fangled Intralase procedure. He said he wasn't completely comfortable with the amount of study done on the new procedure, and he had never had any problems whatsoever with the microkeratome. And hey, another $300! Plus, I have to say, I really respect the guy for getting me to go for the cheaper procedure. How un-carsalesman-like.

September 8, 2004 - the day of the surgery. Rachel dropped me off at the doctor's office, and I went to the surgery floor. Oddly enough, I had very little anxiety about the whole thing. Still, I decided to go with the valium. I figured I wouldn't have to really know what was going on. But somewhere along the line, no one ever actually remembered to give me the valium. So I went in fully alert. Whatever, no big deal. Like I said, I was pretty relaxed about it. They put a really cool blue shower cap on my head, put some drops in my eyes, slapped on a tag with my name and procedure, and sent me in to an examination room where Dr. G took one last look at my eyes and poked them with a stick a few times. I think he was marking them for some reason with a pencil of some sort. Whatever, he knows what he's doing, and at this point I'm already starting to become detached from the procedure. It's amazing the kind of weird things you'll put up at the doctor's office! Then it was on to the surgery room. They put me in this big dentist chair thing and asked me if I needed a blanket. I said no (let's just get this going already!). My eyes were completely numbed by the drops, so I didn't feel any pain from anything, but I could still "feel" what they were doing. He taped my eyelashes out of the way, then put in the speculum to keep my eyelids open. I'm sure everyone has heard about this part, it is so A Clockwork Orange. Then comes the weirdest part, the microkeratome. At this point, he tells me to focus on the blinking red light, which is a lot closer to my eye than I expected. He sticks this cylinder shaped thing on my eye, about the size of a bottle of liquid paper, it puts enough pressure on my eye to make my vision go out completely (this is completely "normal" and I was fully expecting this). Then there's this mechanical sound, which I can't see of course, but I know that it's my cornea being sliced. Just roll with the punches, I tell myself. And "keep looking at the light" (he told me to do this about 50 times, almost like a chant or mantra). It's harder than it sounds to look at the light. Things are in various stages of blurriness/blindness. The light is so close that it seems like you could look in any direction and the light would be there. I tried my hardest to keep looking at the light, and I think I did fine. Nobody ever told me I didn't. Then the clicking laser sound. Again, I expected this, and it wasn't a big deal. I guess the actual laser was invisible, because I had no idea that it was happening, save for the clicking. How disappointing. I was expecting it to look like the warp speed thing from Star Trek or something. I figure for this kind of money you deserve some entertainment along the way. Anyway, it was over soon, and Dr. G put the flap back in place. The oddest part was when he took this brush thing and brushed over my eyeball with some kind of liquid to seal the flap (Liquid Paper???). I couldn't help but laugh at the weird feeling. I could feel that he was brushing my eyeball, but it seemed like it was at least half an inch away. How bizarre! And yes, I'm sure I didn't take the valium. Now comes the most painful part, peeling off the stickers that held my eyelashes out of the way. I was actually shocked to discover that I still had all of my eyelashes! Then the whole thing again with the left eye. I guess here is where I'm supposed to say,"I couldn't believe it, I could actually see the clock on the wall, and without my glasses I couldn't even tell there was a clock." Seems like every lasik testimonial I've ever read has these exact words, like there is some kind of handbook for writing these, and it gives specific instructions for this part. ("Rule # 19: And don't forget, mention the clock. Mention...the...clock!") The truth is I don't even know if there was a clock. I didn't see it before or after. I was able to see stuff, although it was pretty blurry because of all the drops and stuff in my eyes. I did notice a funny smell, and I couldn't help wonder why it smelled so funny in there. A few minutes later I remembered that people reported a funny smell during the procedure, like burning hair. The doctor's website reassuringly tells you that "the burning smell is simply the odor of vaporized tissue from the cornea." How reassuring - "not to worry, it's just your corneas being vaporized." Dr. G took me back to the examination room and looked me over. He was happy enough with the results to send me on my way. Then they slapped some really cool tinted goggles on me and sent me home to go to sleep. Rachel and Carter were waiting for me in the waiting room. I told them I could see but I was supposed to keep my eyes closed. I still peeked out a few times to check things out. I could indeed see, but still kind of fuzzy and really hazy. I went home and really tried to take a nap. I had slept like 10 hours the night before and I was not the least bit tired, but, amazingly, I was able to fall asleep for about an hour. I woke up, and things still looked about the same -kind of clear, but hazy. I didn't experience any of the pain or discomfort that I had heard about from other testimonials. I definitely don't doubt that some people felt pain, I was just one of the lucky ones who did not. But here's the real miracle. Later that evening, I drove myself to Sonic to get ice cream! Everyone always says "I drove the next day!" Oh yeah, well I drove the same day, so there! Sonic is about 1/2 a mile away from home, so it's not like I competed in the Indy 500 or something, but still... Oh yeah, one other cool thing - Dr. G called me at home around 9:30 that night. I'm pretty sure he called me from home, too. This is something I never expected from my lasik surgeon. Turns out that I did have a concern that I was going to wait until the next day to ask, but now I had my chance to ask without having to worry overnight. I had a big ugly red contusion thing on my right eye - just a spot that looked really bloodshot. Dr. G assured me that this was very normal, was caused by the pressure from the microkeratome, and would go away in a week or two. My surgeon called me at home - how cool is that?! Now it was time to go to sleep, and I have to sleep with the cool goggles for a week.

September 9, 2004 - the day after the surgery. As I was already a seasoned post-lasik driver, it was not a big deal that I drove myself to this appointment. Well I did, but no one's impressed after the Sonic experience. I waited in the waiting room for like an hour, but it's cool. Dr. G is a busy man. When I did go in, the appointment was non-eventful. He checked out my healing and said everything looked normal. They did an eye chart test, during which I was able to read the 20/20 line. It was not clear, and I could definitely tell my vision was not as good as it had been with contacts, but impressive nonetheless. Plus I still had the haziness. After the appointment, we headed to Salado to visit my parents (again, I drove!). It's about a 3 hour drive from Plano. As exciting as it is to drive without glasses (and with sunglasses, thank God!), this drive is really boring, today or any day. That night we went out to Chuy's in Round Rock with some friends. The scary part is when I got back in the car to drive back to my parents'. Everywhere I looked, all the lights had these crazy starbursts coming out of them! I was really freaked out. I had no idea that this might be a side effect (yes, I realize now that it is a very common side effect, but somehow I had missed this before). I was even afraid to tell Rachel about it. I was pretty scared that I would be living with this the rest of my life. What had I done to myself?!

Over the weekend, I did some reading on the subject and found that these halos/starbursts are fairly common. Most of the experts say they go away after a few weeks or months, but a lot of the testimonials say that theirs never went away. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Another side effect is that my eyes are constantly fluctuating. One minute I'll be able to see fine, then the next thing I know my vision is blurry (that's blurry in post-lasik terms, nothing like pre-lasik, "can't see my toes" blurry). It's not so sudden that I can "see" it happening, but I notice that it has changed from the last time I checked. This side effect I was expecting, and I expect this to calm down over the next few weeks.

September 13 - my first day back at work. This was a very difficult day, not because of my eyes per se, but because I had to go back to work! I hate my job, and coming back after a week off was not fun. But this is about my surgery so I'll complain about my job at another time. I probably wouldn't recommend spending nine straight hours in front of a computer five days after getting lasik. Of course I wouldn't recommend doing that ever. Then again I wouldn't recommend working where I work (I guess I'll leave the name of my company out of this for now - they do pay my bills, you know. Well, they sort of pay my bills). I had a headache after looking at the monitor so long. Plus I think this probably exacerbates the dry eyes.

September 15 - one week after surgery. I noticed today that I have had some really bad headaches. Now I know that work can do this sometimes, especially when you have a job like mine. But I didn't have these before. I figure it's from staring at a computer screen all day, but I decide to call the doctor just to clear it up. I also wanted to ask about the starbursts and about whether I need to be using eye drops to keep my eyes from getting dry (it hasn't been a problem, but I've heard it aids healing). When I call, Dr. G is out of the office, but my "consultant" is pretty knowledgeable, and I feel comfortable that she knows what she's talking about. She isn't sure about the headaches, but says they might be caused by dry eyes, and Refresh Plus or Biontears are some good drops to use. She says what I was expecting about the starbursts, that they "will diminish with time." I also decided to ask about the vision fluctuation, which I asked about only because my eyes were fluctuating at different rates. My right eye tends to be blurrier than my left, which is very sharp and crisp, possibly at the level of pre-surgery contacts. I really wish I had done some baseline tests about what I could see before surgery. You know, like "I can read where it says 'bee happy, bee healthy' on the Honey Nut Cheerios box when it's on top of the refrigerator and I am on the couch. I can't read the word 'Toshiba' on the DVD player while sitting at the kitchen table." Now I can't even remember what my vision was like with contacts before. There is a sign at work that I've been using to track my progress since surgery. I can read "mail out, mail in" while sitting at my desk with my left eye, but not quite with my right. On another note, I can finally stop sleeping with the goggles. Now I can't freak out Rachel by being bug-eye-man in the middle of the night. I'll miss those things...

September 22, 2004 - two weeks since surgery. Things are starting to settle down with my eyes. I no longer experience nearly as much fluctuation with my vision. However, my right eye still lags behind my left. Plus, something I've noticed, mostly in my right eye, is that my vision starts out pretty sharp but gets blurrier over the course of the day. It's not a huge difference, nothing near what I was like pre-lasik, but still worth asking about. I think it may be due to dry eyes. My eyes don't feel dry, but I think you can experience the effects of dry eyes without them feeling dry. I decide to ask at my follow-up. Also, the starbursts are still there, but I think they might be getting better. This might just be wishful thinking, or maybe I'm getting used to them. Regardless, they don't come up unless it's really dark. No problems at dusk or daybreak. I decide that I could probably live with them and not feel too bad about lasik. I decide to describe the starbursts as "annoying, but not debilitating." I feel like this is a good attitude to have if I have to live with them, should that be the case. I would still be much happier without them. I'll keep waiting patiently.

September 23, 2004 - follow-up appointment scheduled. This was the day of my follow-up appointment, but I absent-mindedly scheduled it for the same day as Rachel's appointment with the baby doctor. So I rescheduled for September 30. We saw the baby, who is now 10 weeks along. I can't believe that you can really see a little baby moving around in there already! We didn't have this kind of technology even 3 years ago when Carter was at this stage. Okay, okay, I don't doubt that the technology was around, but they certainly didn't have it at the University Hospital in San Antonio. Now we're at a private hospital in Plano, where nothing but the best is good enough. Whatever, it was pretty cool.

September 29, 2004 - three weeks since surgery. I think the one thing that is bothering me the most is not being able to rub my eyes. I was told "not to rub my eyes vigorously for two months." So of course I am skirting the rules by rubbing below my eyes, or that corner area next to your nose where gunk sometimes builds up when you sleep. The whole point is not to rub the cornea area, so I've been avoiding that. It may just be all in my head, but I feel like my eyes are itchier than they've ever been and rubbing my eyes would feel better than anything else in the world right now. I'll ask.

September 30, 2004 - follow-up appointment. Today is the day I wrote everything up to this point. It's all from memory, written in retrospect. After reading so many lasik testimonials from various people and finding them very useful in coping with the various weird experiences of doctor-choosing and post-lasik healing, I decided to write my own, but I haven't gotten around to starting until today. So everything from this point on is unknown: a dark, winding road like at the end of Terminator 2. Where it leads I don't know, but the fact that I may not be destined to a future of fighting robots in a post-nuclear wasteland is reassuring. My appointment is this afternoon at 1:15.

Well, I just got back from my appointment. My eyes are even better than I thought! I was able to read the 20/15 line pretty clearly, and the refraction came up with no correction left. So my eyes are as corrected as they can get. And perhaps even better news is that the hot air balloon test made yet another appearance. That thing rules. Dr. G says the starburst/halo/glow thing will go away or at least get a lot better over the next couple of months. And he says not to worry about the right eye getting slightly worse over the course of the day. He says that this is probably caused by dry eyes, as I had suspected. Plus I got me some more free drops. Cha-ching! So now I don't have another appointment until November 30. I guess until then I will have to buy my own drops.
  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 10/01/2004