a new hope If you are one of my two loyal readers, you may recall a battle I had against a gang of evil ant thugs last year. Well, the ants scored a decisive victory over us and they eventually drove us out of our apartment. We fled to a nearby house that a mortgage company let us live in as long as we paid them every once in a while.

Well, we had been living in relative ant-less bliss for some time, until ant troops began to surface in various parts of our home. But it wasn't until a few days ago that I realized that the ants had constructed a Death Mound in our back yard. Fortunately, an ally was able to smuggle a copy of the plans for the Death Mound, allowing us to analyze it for potential weaknesses. It seems that the evil Death Mound is highly susceptible to attack by means of common Home Depot ant spray, but only when it is used in enormous quantities. Also, two sprays must enter a small opening in the Death Mound, which leads to the Mound's core, triggering a chain reaction that destroys the Mound from the inside out.

I knew it would take a true hero to follow through on such a plan, and there was only one place I knew I could find such a person. He was in the furthest reaches of the universe, in a galaxy far, far away, in the Dagobah System. I needed to find the evil Ant King's only son, who would obliterate the Death Mound, leading to a climactic duel between the evil father and his rebel son. Then I realized the Death Mound could be destroyed by anybody who shelled out the $12.99 for the ant spray at Home Depot. So I just did it myself.

The Death Mound was destroyed, but the ants inflicted major casualties upon our brave men. Well, okay, it was just me. Seven ant bites. Ouch. But there is, indeed, a new hope now. I'm certain the ants will regroup, under the dictatorial leadership of the mysterious Ant Emperor. They will probably even try to rebuild the Death Mound. The Ant Empire can strike back but will never prevail.  ¶ monger187 wrote this on 7/06/2005