mindless drivel

just stepped out of the time machine

2009-05-01T16:18:00.002-05:00

In October 2008 I had just finished the time machine, and I was thinking about putting something in the blog about it, then I got so caught up in wanting to try out the time machine that I forgot all about it. Then I was just entering the space-time continuum and I was like “Oh crap, I was going to post something on the blog about how I would be ‘away for a while’” or something equally ominous and ambiguous. But by then it was too late. Anyway, turns out I missed a lot of the time-travel stuff going on outside the time machine window while I was thinking about it. I hope you’re happy!

Speaking of which, I’m really not sure what was going on outside of the time machine. I think most of the good stuff was at the beginning when I was day-dreaming about the blog. There was a lot of darkness. Every once in a while there was a flash of light like lightning in the distance, but every time I turned my head to see it I ended up just missing it. Plus I didn’t really think much about putting windows on the time machine, so I only had a pretty small viewing area.

Time travel was actually a little bit disappointing, to be honest. For one thing, even though I was technically “traveling through time,” it was not instantaneous like I thought it would be. In fact, the journey from October 2008 to today actually took like thirty minutes. It may not sound like much, but trust me, sitting in the time machine is pretty boring. Assuming it would just be instantaneous, I didn’t even think to bring along a book.

There are other disappointments about time travel, too. For instance, I bought a cell phone for $99 before I left, to bring along on the journey with me, so that I could call everyone I knew when I got there (here?) and make stupid jokes about how “young” I was feeling. But then I was in Best Buy today (I couldn’t find a Circuit City for some reason), and they were giving it away for free with a 2 year contract! Man, what a waste! I thought about just going back to last October and not buying it, but the thought of spending another 30 minutes in the time machine was enough to end those thoughts. Another thing, my computer is now obsolete.

Also, due to the time travel I missed a lot of episodes of my favorite TV shows. You wouldn’t think this would be such a big deal – I didn’t even consider it – but I lead a pretty boring life, and I watch a lot of TV. Don’t judge me. Anyway, I tried to watch this week’s Lost, and man I had no idea what was going on whatsoever. Granted, the show’s pretty confusing as it is, but what the hell? They’re back on The Island again? And they’re in the Dharma Initiative now? I am completely confused. I tried reading the recaps on Wikipedia (glad that’s still around!) but I got bored and just said forget it.

I’ll try to post some more about the time travel when I get around to it. Right now I’m off to check my 401(k) balance. I can’t wait to find out how much money I’ve made over the last seven months! Compounding interest, baby!

new post!

2008-10-06T09:13:00.003-05:00

Yes I'm still here, yes it's been a long time since I've posted anything, yes I had a granola bar for breakfast this morning.

general motors press release

2008-08-14T14:03:00.003-05:00

General Motors, a wholly owned subsidiary of Aunt Suzie's Hallmark Store (located at the corner of 33rd and Main St in downtown Detroit), has announced plans to develop a small car to capitalize on today's changing market. A company spokesman stated, "We now believe that customers prefer the comfort and style of a really, really small car to the living-rooms-on-wheels we've offered them in the past."

As of early this year, General Motors' smallest offering was the GMC Yukon 3XL. Fortunately, GM has discovered that the once-popular SUV can quickly and easily be converted into a compact car with only minor alterations. The company has stated that the new vehicle will be available for purchase in less than three days.

Several GM brands will receive a version of the new small car. In order to evoke the "small" image, the cars will be marketed under the following names: Chevy Molecule, Pontiac Paramecium, Saturn Calista Flockhart's Biceps, GMC Scott Baio's Career, Buick Nickelback's Talent, Hummer Bill O'Reilly's Brain, Cadillac John McCain's Chances Of Winning The Presidential Election, Saab Brett Favre's Remaining Green Bay Packers Fanbase, Opel George W. Bush's Approval Rating.

A photo of the car is below.

feeling fresh

2008-07-28T10:50:00.001-05:00

Having just come back from the dentist, I feel compelled to comment on what the people on TV call That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling. I had always assumed That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling was a good thing, considering how fervently tooth product companies tout it as rationale for the use of their products. But after finally going to an actual dentist, I found out that That Fresh From The Dentist Feeling should really be called That Fresh From The Boxing Ring Feeling. And I'm not talking about a boxing ring where Jose Canseco is your opponent either. It's not quite like being in the rign with Tyson, although I suspect maybe a visit to the Ear Nose Throat doctor might make you feel like that. Especially if you had to have part of your ear removed, maybe because of frostbite or something?

Now my gums feel beaten, swollen, and bloodied, my teeth are scratched and sensitive, and my feelings are hurt because they told me I'm not brushing the right way or flossing enough. Why would I want to pay money to buy products that make me feel this way every time I brush my teeth? That's like every week!

Forget the dentist, to me there's no better feeling than opening a suitcase and finding a very large sum of unmarked bills. Is there any way they can put that in a tube? Or coat it in plastic and stick bristles at the end of it? They could call it That Fresh From The Suitcase Of Unmarked Bills Feeling. If any of you people out there work for one of those toothpaste companies, please send me a suitcase of unmarked bills for giving you the idea.

I'm sure many of you cynics out there will say that my idea would never work. But I'm sure you're just jealous that you didn't think of it first. Also, you're jealous of my fiendish good looks, quick wit, and muscular physique. But if my plan does work, at least one of us, i.e. me, will be experiencing That Fresh From The Suitcase Of Unmarked Bills Feeling.

housing crisis solved!

2008-04-08T15:53:00.001-05:00

Fan(s) of mindless drivel have come to rely on this site for poignant and timely financial advice. Unfortunately those fan(s) have been disappointed time and time again. Well, that's all about to change, because I've figured out the answer to the housing crisis!

Here's how it works:

1) You buy my house for an extremely inflated price. While it's true that my house is not technically for sale per se, your offer will be so inflated that it will be quite difficult to ignore. After all, we're in the midst of a housing crisis, you dumbass!

2) Other people notice that my house has sold for an exorbitant price. How do they know? I don't know, maybe you post something on YouTube? Or send some kind of text message to somebody? I don't care, it's really not my problem anymore.

3) The rest of the story basically involves supply and demand, the Laffer Curve, or something else you probably read in an economics textbook in your junior year of high school. I don't really know how it's going to work, the most important part is step 1 anyway.

4) The End.

being human

2008-04-07T15:18:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure I got screwed when I was born a human being. Having been a spider monkey in a previous life, I had always looked up to the humans, what with their opposable thumbs and relatively low level of back hair. But after nearly a year of going through the awkward human baby phase, I was ready to go back to being an animal.

Here's my main issue: why in the world do we humans need to learn how to do everything? Look at cows for instance. The minute they're born, they're walking, eating, mooing, chewing their cud, mooing, standing around doing nothing, being mutilated by aliens, and mooing. When I was one minute old I couldn't even control the constant flailing of my arms and legs. For a while there, I even used to poop in my pants! Walking? Forget about it, that was a good three weeks away. It wasn't until I was four months old that I could even read!

Did you know that, according to a recent study by the Emdee Group, approximately 98.72% of humans never learn calculus? If we were born knowing calculus, think of how much easier life would be! For instance, you could take a nice long nap from 2:00-2:50 every afternoon while you're a senior in high school. And also maybe you could be an engineer, or a mathematician of some kind. I'm sure calculus has many other uses, I just can't think of them right now.

That's just one of the many things we could be born with. We could also be born knowing how to read people's minds or predict the future. Let's be creative here!

I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I have a relatively favorable life span and a soul and all. Hey, leave me alone, at least I'm trying here!

tarred and feathered

2008-02-22T09:48:00.000-06:00

I think if I ever have to choose among the many medieval torture and humiliation techniques, I would probably choose to be tarred and feathered. The iron maiden seems too messy, and the rack sounds like it might hurt a lot. On the other hand, being tarred and feathered would probably burn a little bit from all of that hot tar, and I guess it would be kind of embarrassing to have all those feathers and look like a chicken. Also, tar smells pretty bad. But at the end of the day, at least you don't end up with a bunch of holes in your body.

I assume when the angry mob comes to your house they give you a choice of torture technique. After all, we're all human here! Besides, all I did was create a voodoo doll of the king and repeatedly poke its eyeballs.

Another good one is the stocks. Seriously, you're just going to hold my feet in place for a few days? That's cool, I could use a nice nap anyway. I guess when you think about it, the stocks might even be better than being tarred and feathered, but it would probably get kind of boring after a while (I wonder if they would let you bring a book???). That's definitely not going to be an issue if you are covered in feathers. Imagine how much fun it will be to run around pretending you're a chicken! If you're good enough at acting like a chicken, somebody from some chicken restaurant like KFC or Popeye's might see you and want to hire you to stand outside their restaurant with a sign so people will see you and think "Hey, you know, I'm in the mood for some chicken."

Here's another hint: definitely do not choose impalement. It is not fun, trust me.

happy 2008

2008-01-03T15:56:00.002-06:00

Another year, another step closer to the future.

world's most expensive dessert

2007-11-08T10:27:00.001-06:00

Yahoo's got yet another headline about the World's Most Expensive Dessert, a $25,000 pile of exotic chocolates and gold leaf, served in a 23-karat gold goblet. To that I say: Big Deal.

I personally have a cookie in my cabinet that I am now officially offering for sale for $100 billion. Therefore, I have just shattered the record for the World's Most Expensive Dessert!

The cookie, which I call Cookie D'Elegance D'm&m D'Generic Target Brand, is served in a large Ziploc baggie, which is used to preserve flavor and keep out ants. The cookie features one variety of milk chocolate, presented in bite-size oblong spheres covered by thin candy shells. The cookie itself is made of flour, sugar, butter, and a mysterious mix of chemicals and preservatives. All ingredients have been harvested from exotic locations such as Cincinnati and Newark.

The cookie was originally part of a 24 piece set, but my kids and I ate all of the other pieces of the set, making this example even more exclusive. Regarding the others, my initial reaction was: "Eh, they were okay I guess, made a lot of crumbs when I took a bite, and the 'm&m's' didn't even have the m's on them."

The cookie has currently aged one week in my cabinet, and was aged on the Target snack aisle shelf for countless weeks before that. Any subsequent aging will be provided free of charge.

Interested parties should contact me immediately. I saw my 2-year old eyeing the cookie this morning, so this offer may be rescinded at any time.

a red-letter date in the history of science

2007-11-05T14:29:00.001-06:00

Fans of the future, particularly those who enjoy going back to it, have a lot to celebrate today. Today we celebrate the 52nd anniversary of the day Emmett Brown stood on the edge of the toilet, slipped, hit his head on the edge of the sink, and when he came to, had a revelation - a vision. That vision, of course, was the Flux Capacitor, which we now know is what makes time travel possible.

Given that November 5 has not yet gathered the required number of votes in Congress to declare Flux Capacitor Day an "Official" National Holiday, we'll have to continue to celebrate on our own. Below is a list of ways I celebrate November 5, Flux Capacitor Day:

Saying "Great Scott!!" every time something surprising happens
"Bird watching"
Listening to Huey Lewis And The News
Driving 88 miles per hour on my way to work - don't forget to account for the quicker commute by leaving late!
Writing a science fiction novel
Converting my coffee maker into a Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor
Hanging a clock in my bathroom
Holding my own Enchantment Under The Sea dance
Wearing purple underwear
Putting my mind to, and subsequently accomplishing, something
Thinking, McFly, thinking, and therefore not being so gullible
Baking a cake in honor of Uncle Joey
Generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity
Watching Jackie Gleason while I eat
Betting on the Cubs to win the 2015 World Series

monger187's money-saving tips

2007-11-01T15:17:00.002-05:00

Well, folk(s), it appears that it may not be possible to live off home equity loans any longer. Which means that we lazy Americans face the dire choice of (a) working hard to earn our money, (b) suing somebody, or (c) being really, really cheap. Since (a) is not a realistic option for most of us due to various back-related reasons, and (b) requires that we actually order coffee at McDonald's, I'll focus on (c) today, with the following list of ways to be really, really cheap.

Clip coupons: sure, this seems logical. But people, think about all of the money you could be saving by simply cutting out those coupons! Each coupon is worth 1/100 cent, so cutting out every coupon from the Sunday paper could easily yield 4 cents or more! Get multiple newspapers and, well, you do the math! Seriously, can you do the math? I'm not very good at math. Please round to 2 decimal places.

Gas bonus: always insert the nozzle into your car before pushing the buttons and pulling the levers or whatever on the gas pump. Have you ever noticed that after you push the buttons on the pump, several drops of gas spill out of the nozzle? Now, instead of falling onto your shoes, these precious drops of gasoline can go directly into your tank. And for you Hummer owners, that "free" gas can easily propel your vehicle 3 inches or more!

Bill consolidation: send all of your bills in one envelope. Try sending them to a different place every month! You'll save several dollars on postage. I'm not sure how it works, but somehow they always seem to get to the right place. I think it has something to do with quantum physics.

Skip meals: yes, that's right, all of them. Have you ever stopped to think how much money we waste on food? If you stopped eating altogether, all that money could go directly to your pockets, where you could spend it on more worthwhile things, like getting those grill things for your teeth!

Stop smoking cigarettes: I would never, ever suggest that you stop smoking altogether. Why give up all of the many benefits of smoking, such as cancer, smelling bad, etc.? All I'm suggesting is that you stop smoking cigarettes. Recent studies have indicated that approximately 98.72% of the price of cigarettes goes to paying for new yachts for tobacco company executives. Setting fire to and smoking rolled up mortgage company stock certificates would be both more cost-effective and more satisfying.

Nose picking: Did you ever stop to think about just how much all of those Kleenexes are costing you? I didn't think so.

Halloween every day: Why do we only get free candy one day out of the year? If we were to celebrate Halloween every day, we could get all sorts of free candy! Plus, there's the added bonus of getting to go around with one of those masks like the bad guy in Scream all the time.

Skip the Xenon: When purchasing or leasing your brand new BMW, you can easily save $800 (or $20/month for those of you who like paying interest) by passing on the Xenon headlights! Besides, sometimes it just feels good to slum it up with the regular-headlighted losers out there once in a while.

No more shaving: Besides the obvious benefit of not having to buy shaving cream, razors, and little pieces of toilet paper, this trick also yields an added bonus. People will often think you are homeless and just give you money!

Sell some stuff: Specifically, sell your really valuable stuff to me at low, low prices. I'm currently in the market for gold bars and loose diamonds and am willing to pay up to $10 per pound for either.

celebrity gossip headlines!

2007-10-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears Does Something Stupid And/Or Embarrassing!
Some Rapper I've Never Heard Of Is Arrested!
Lindsay Lohan Gets Drunk!
Lindsay Lohan Attends Rehab!
Lindsay Lohan Gets Drunk Again!
Guy From Nickelback Gets Laryngitis - Music Fans Rejoice!
Report: Donald Trump Is An Arrogant Prick!
Report: Martha Stewart Is An Arrogant Prick!
Some Celebrity I Don't Care About Is Pregnant!
Kanye West Whines About Something!
Angelina Jolie Adopts Another Child!
Snoop Doggy Dogg Back In Jail!
Paris Hilton Does Something!
Cate Blanchett: I Still Don't Know Who That Is!
Latest Britney Spears Photos: Britney Drinks Starbucks!
P. Diddy Changes Name!
Some Celebrity Couple Gets Divorced - "Irreconcilable Differences" Cited!
Report: Halle Barry Is Perfect In Every Conceivable Way!
Rosie O'Donnell Gets Into Fight With Somebody!
Aerosmith: Still Alive!

what a croc

2007-09-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

As if we needed another reason not to wear Crocs...UPDATE: well, the link no longer works, but let's just say you shouldn't wear Crocs on an escalator if you value your toes.

back...to the future!

2007-09-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

The year is 2007. We are now officially dangerously close to the 2015 future envisioned in Back To The Future Part II. I was 13 when this movie came out in 1989, and like most 13 year olds I was really looking forward to getting one of those hoverboards when I was 39. Also, like most 13 year olds, I figured that when I was 39 I would still be cool enough to want one of those hoverboards (I was right!). But here we are, only eight years away from "the future" and hoverboard technology is still in its infancy.

And don't even get me started on Mr. Fusion, the device that's supposed to create 1.21 gigawatts of electricity from banana peels, warm beer and other garbage. Granted, some of the dirty diapers I currently put in my garbage rival nuclear warheads in potency, but our ability to harness this power is at least twenty years away.

Also, according to Back To The Future Part II, in the near future we will be wearing wrap-around sunglasses that appear to be made out of a curved sheet of aluminum - there are no lenses, just more aluminum. Unfortunately, the wrap-around sunglass phase has already come and gone, and they were mostly just made out of plastic. I guess this one could still happen. But first we need to figure out how to see through aluminum.

The worst tease of all was, of course, the flying car thing. I've spent much of the past ten years practicing for my flying car license, but now it looks like we may not even have flying cars by 2015. Given the number of Ford Escorts out there with giant wings stuck on the back, I wasn't the only one banking on a flying-car future. But alas, where we're going, we do indeed need roads. In fact, we need better roads than the ones we currently have. Case in point, my ten mile drive to work took fifty-one minutes this morning, just because one traffic light was flashing red!

Yes, the Back To The Future Part II future had its issues. I don't remember what they were because I haven't seen the movie in like fifteen years. And yes, the future is not bright for the McFly family. But overall, things looked pretty cool in the future. Everything was colorful, things hovered, cars (both flying and non-flying) were all designed to look like Lamborghinis (with no regard whatsoever for pedestrian or driver safety no less!). Nowhere in the Back To The Future Part II future did I hear any mention of weapons of mass destruction, war, rising oil prices, global warming, the energy crisis, sports cheating scandals, Osama Bin Laden, or Nickelback.

I think, as a society, our goal should be to strive for the Back To The Future Part II future.

the adventures of MittenMan

2007-08-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

A short while ago in a galaxy not very far away, there lived a man. Actually, it was the Milky Way Galaxy. I think he lived in Wisconsin or something. Anyway, this was no ordinary man. It was MittenMan! MittenMan was much like a regular man except that on his hands he wore mittens. And he wore one of those bandana things over his face like one of those guys in the Western movies. And he always wore a hat. And an eye patch. Why did he do these things? Probably because they were easier to draw. Have you ever tried to draw eyes and a mouth? It's not easy! Also, sometimes his thumbs were on the wrong side of his hands.

MittenMan lived a relatively normal life, except for the mitten thing. He lived in his parents' basement, but then he realized that losers in movies always live in their parents' basements, so he moved into a tent in the back yard. Oh yeah, also, he was a superhero. I'm not really sure what kind of crime he fought or what, but I'm pretty sure the mittens helped. It gets pretty cold in Michigan, or Wisconsin, or wherever, so it probably helped that he wore the mittens. MittenMan's signature move was the "left." He "borrowed" this move from Coolio in the "Fantastic Voyage" video. You know, where it goes "You can't help me if you can't help yourself - you better make a left"? And Coolio does this move thing where he leans to the right and points his left hand. Anyway, that's what MittenMan did. It worked pretty well if some unsuspecting villain happened to he standing directly to his left.

MittenMan had a really, really good friend, whose name was also MittenMan. Since he had the same name, his friend usually went by Mitty McMitt. Mitty McMitt was actually a giant mitten. He, too, had an eye patch. What's with the eye patches? Maybe the two of them used to play with a BB gun a lot when they were kids or something. You'll have to wait for the prequel to find out for sure! Was Mitty McMitt real or just a figment of MittenMan's imagination? How should I know? What do I look like, some kind of expert in mittens? Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Mitty also has a signature move, the "huggy." He hugs his enemies really tight, and what with all the yarny mitten toastiness, after a while it gets really warm. This doesn't really defeat enemies per se, but it does get pretty annoying. Why does he have to be so affectionate all the time?

For some reason, MittenMan and Mitty became sworn enemies. Perhaps it had to do with revenge of some kind, or maybe it was because of Mitty's support of Hillary Clinton for President in '08. Did I mention that MittenMan was a big-time sexist?

So MittenMan and Mitty used to fight all the time and stuff. No one ever really won, usually they just insulted each other with stupid one-liners until they got tired and fell asleep. Mitty makes a really good pillow.

MittenMan also had another sworn enemy, ArchNemesis. ArchNemesis was a giant arch, whose weapon of choice was a pair of safety scissors he bought from Wal-Mart. What's with all the sworn enemies? I don't know, but I guess MittenMan was just not a very likeable guy. He was actually kind of a jerk. I don't really like him either. By the way, what's with that term, "sworn enemy"? Does that mean they have to sign a document of some kind, or have some sort of ceremony or something? Perhaps this is something else that can happen in the prequel. ArchNemesis was one bad dude, which you can tell because of his slanty eyebrows and pointy teeth. I bet MittenMan and Mitty could defeat him if they just got over their petty differences and worked together, but that ain't gonna happen, no way. Well, okay, maybe it will in the final installment of the MittenMan trilogy, MittenMan3: The Mittening, but you'll have to wait until Summer 2011 to find out.

Did anything interesting ever happen to these characters? Not really, but this installment is mostly for character development, so maybe later some plot will happen.

no tan man

2007-07-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so freaking happy! It's taken over thirty years, but I've finally discovered my super-power! Don't get all excited, not everybody has a super-power, so if you're just some schmo out there reading this, and chances are pretty good that you are, you probably don't have a super-power at all. But somehow I just always knew that I had one, I just didn't know what it was...until now.

My super-power is that no matter how much time I spend in the sun, I neither burn nor tan. At all. Two hours in the sun last weekend, and I still resemble Casper The Friendly Ghost - only without the goofy smile. Before you start getting all crazy and telling me that this is not a super-power, get over it, your jealousy is not flattering. Let me explain how this super-power can be used to capture villains and other ne'er-do-wells. Consider this: it's a really sunny day and a bad guy has just robbed a bank. He's heading out to his getaway car, but remembers that the weather man had warned of unusually high UV levels today. So he stops to slather on some SPF 30 sunscreen. That's when I nab him!

Or how about this: I'm at the beach when a bad guy steals some stuff from somebody's beach towel. Probably like some car keys or expensive sunglasses or something? Who cares, it's not important to the story. He runs off, and I'm in hot pursuit. The bad guy is in pretty good shape, so I can't really catch up to him. (Come on, if I could run really fast, wouldn't that be my super-power?) But after a while, bad guy starts to feel a slight burning sensation on his neck, ears, and arms. Within just sixty short minutes, the burn starts to become even more painful. Another hour later, and bad guy is badly sunburned, and the running motion is so painful he just can't run any more. Meanwhile, aside from being totally exhausted from two hours of running, I'm perfectly fine. That's when I nab him!

So far I haven't been officially asked to join The Justice League, or The Liberty League, or The League of Nations, but I figure that the official offers are on their way. After all, what group of crime-fighters, super-heroes and other freaks of nature would be complete without a man whose skin does not respond normally to the sun's rays? I'm also quite handsome, so that should help with the movie posters and whatnot.

How did I get this super-power? I'm not sure. Maybe after so many years in Texas, my skin is like, "What, you call this sun? Please." Or maybe it was from that tub of toxic chemicals I fell into when I got into a fight with Batman. I may never know for sure.

My super-power also comes in handy when I fall asleep by the pool.

worst smell list revised

2007-06-18T15:00:00.000-05:00

Further evidence demands revision to the infamous list of worst smells. There are two newly discovered smells that need to be added to the list, both of which are equally smelly. The first one is when one skunk eats another skunk, then poops, and sprays skunk spray on the poop. Then another skunk comes along and eats the poop, then dies on top of a pile of rotten eggs. The second one is the bathroom in the men's locker room at the gym.

things i hate

2007-05-09T11:56:00.000-05:00

When I get on the elevator and there are so many people on the elevator that I can't find a good place to stand so I end up facing sideways or something and I can't help but think everyone's wondering, what's up with that sideways-facing guy?
When I push the button on the elevator and someone else pushes the same button, as if pushing it again will get them there faster
When I start to get off the elevator on the wrong floor, then I realize that it's not my floor, but I get off anyway because I don't want the other people in the elevator to think I'm a complete idiot
Getting stuck in the elevator for days with nothing to eat or drink and nowhere to go to the bathroom
When I get on the elevator and there are like nine people who are all going to different floors, so I have to wait while the elevator stops at like every single floor
When there's no 13th floor on the building, so I'm looking for the button for, say, the 16th floor and I start going down the even numbers - okay, we have 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 15, 17, 19. wait a minute, what just happened here?!?!?
When there are multiple elevator banks, and I can't figure out which one to use to get to the floor I need
When I get on the elevator and it smells like stale cigarette smoke because of someone who's not even on the elevator anymore
When I get on the elevator and it smells like body odor because of someone who's not even on the elevator anymore
Being in an elevator and trying to plan a strategy for what I would do if the elevator just went in a free fall, because every plan I can think of involves me ending up with multiple leg fractures and lots of really, really intense pain
When some punk kid has pushed all the buttons on the elevator so it stops on every floor - I hate that kid!!
When I really need to pick my nose and I think I'll be able to pick it when I get on the elevator, but what do you know, someone else is already on the elevator so I can't, and now I have to wait until I'm in my car
Elevators that are really slow
When I have to wait like two hours to get on the elevator - I guess this has really only happened to me once, at the Sears Tower
When the elevator starts to go down, but instead of going really smoothly it starts with a jolt, so for a split second I start to think, oh crap, the elevator is in free fall and I'm going to die, but every time that's happened so far it hasn't really been in free fall, so I guess it's not so bad in the end
When there are TVs on the elevator and they are talking about Don Imus and the Rutgers womens basketball team again
When one of my kids pushes the button with the picture of a bell on it that makes that loud bell go off
When I'm trying to talk on my cell phone but I lose the call as soon as I get on the elevator because for some reason elevators are like some sort of cell phone dead zone
When I'm watching a movie and the guy gets on an elevator and there's this guy on there who's like, what floor, sir? - what's up with that?, every elevator I've ever been on they make me push my own buttons, I want some guy to push the buttons for me
When I press the button on the elevator and the light doesn't go on, so I just keep pressing it, thinking I didn't press it hard enough or something the first time, but then I look on the other side of the elevator and the light is on, so all the people on that side of the elevator just think I'm a complete moron
Movies that make me afraid of elevators, e.g. Speed, Final Destination, What About Bob?
When I get on the elevator and the door is starting to close but then someone is walking up and I'm not sure if they're trying to get on the elevator too or if they're just walking by or what and I don't know if I should hold the door for them or not, but then it turns out they did want to get on the elevator and it was someone I work with and now they think I'm a total jackass because, damn, you couldn't even hold the elevator, what a jerk!
When I want to go up on the elevator, but then a down elevator comes and I get on, not even thinking about it, but then I realize, oh crap, I'm on the down elevator, and then the elevator goes all the way to the bottom floor and I still don't get off, and the other people in the elevator are like what the heck is that guy's problem, he just likes to ride around in the elevator or what???
When I end up on the elevator with someone I kind of know but not really, so I end up having to make small talk with them, and it's always like, so, nice weather we're having, huh?, yeah really, sure would be nice to be outside, yeah, I hope it doesn't rain, we sure could use it though, so any plans for the weekend?, no not really, okay see you tomorrow.
The word "elevator" - what's that about, are we in some kind of 19th century science fiction novel or what?
Climbing stairs

saab curse resolved

2007-04-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

Turns out I have mistakenly accused a certain Saab for being cursed (read about the curse here, here, and here). Upon further review, the car was not cursed. Rather, I'm the one who's cursed. When yet another weird car thing happened to me last weekend, I came to the conclusion that any car in my possession will be cursed. So whoever bought the Saab, rest assured, the curse stayed with me. And that Lotus Exige S I'll be buying as soon as I manage to save up $57,915, cringe in fear.

When getting into my nice new(ish) Scion to go to the gym, I noticed there was a pine needle on my windshield. Only I realized that I don't have any pine trees growing in my garage (although the fake Christmas tree is in a box in the garage). It wasn't a pine needle, it was a big, ugly crack. It wasn't there when I parked the car the day before. And no one drove it or even looked at it funny from the time I parked it until the time the crack appeared. Dismayed, I went ahead with my gym plans anyway; you don't get this buff by sitting around crying about windshields. I left the car in the parking lot, and an hour and a half later, the crack was another foot longer. Once again, the car was not even driven; there is, however, a possibility is was looked at funny during this time.

It wasn't until now that I began reconstructing all the weird stuff that's happened to my cars over the years. For your entertainment, I present a timeline of all the strange, true things that have happened to cars in my possession. All dates are approximate, since I have a really bad memory.

1995: 1994 Honda Civic - wheel stolen. I walked out to my car, parked in the Grove City College parking lot, to find that an entire wheel was stolen from my car. It was just sitting there with three wheels, the fourth wheel completely gone, and the car was resting on its axle. I'm not one of those guys with nice wheels or anything either. They were standard issue 13 inch steel Civic wheels.

1996: 1994 Honda Civic - parked car hit and run. On campus at the University of Texas (go Longhorns!), I walked out to my expertly parallel-parked car to see that both the front and rear of the car were smashed. Someone had rammed the back of the car, pushing it forward into a third car. Repairs cost thousands of dollars, but insurance covered it (USAA rules!). Interesting side note: an astute witness saw the whole thing, and the perp was caught and punished.

1996: 1994 Honda Civic - passenger window broken, stereo stolen. Well, this is just bad luck, not really indicative of a curse, and barely made the list. But it still sucked.

1997: 1994 Honda Civic - driver window broken, nothing stolen. This is more like the curse I know. Someone went to the trouble of breaking my window, then didn't even bother to take anything! I didn't have an alarm, so it's not like something scared them off. Cleaning up broken glass is always fun though.

2001: 1999 Honda Accord - windshield break #1. A pebble found its way to my wife's windshield, but I was at the wheel, so it counts. This may seem like an everyday unfortunate event, but most pebbles cause small chips. This one caused a large crack, meaning we had to replace whole windshield. To add insult to injury, the repair place scolded us for not bringing it in before the crack got so large. You're right, we shouldn't have waited those 13 nanoseconds. Sorry about that one!

2002: 1998 Acura Integra - Waterlocked engine. This was during the Great Summer of 2002 Semi-Annual San Antonio flood, during which more rain fell on July 1 than had ever fallen in any entire month of July in San Antonio. Some sneaky water managed to find its way into my engine, causing about $5,000 worth of damage. Once again, insurance paid for the damage (and once again, USAA rocks!).

2004: 2004 Saab 9-3 - mystery leather slice. A mysterious, 4 inch slice appeared in the leather in the passenger seat, as if someone had taken an X-Acto knife to it. As far as I know, no one sat in the seat while carrying an X-Acto knife in their pocket, so to this day I have no idea how it could have gotten there.

2004: 2004 Saab 9-3 - rat makes a home in my engine bay. Yes, a rat decided that the engine bay of a Saab was a good place to make a home. But he also decided that a good way to pass the time in his new home was to chew on wires and tear up sound-deadening material.

2005: 2004 Saab 9-3 - mystery dent. A mystery dent appeared from out of nowhere on the rear quarter panel. This apparently happened at my parking garage at work. The mystery dent was somewhere in between a ding and a full-fledged dent. Doesn't seem to have been caused by a door. Maybe someone leaned up against it? Kicked it? Who knows? The cost to fix was just short of my insurance deductible, so I had to pay out of pocket.

Interesting side note: Last night I found the front license plate for the Saab hiding in my closet. Coincidence???

more car stuff!

2007-03-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw an L.L. Bean branded Subaru Outback, and it reminded me about all the quirky and wonderful co-branding efforts we used to see all the time from automakers. Perhaps best known is the Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer. But don't forget the Trek Volkswagen Jetta, the Kona Ford Focus, the Coach Lexus RX300, and of course, my personal favorite, the Nautica Mercury Villager!

However, some co-branding ideas never officially got off the ground. Fortunately, I have spies in the auto industry - ants with tiny little video cameras which I have strategically placed in the most secretive Detroit board rooms. Using footage from the ant-cams, I was able to piece together a list of co-branding initiatives that never quite made it to production.

Breyer's Vanilla Toyota Camry
Raid Volkswagen New Beetle
Depend Undergarments Mercury Grand Marquis
Viagra Hummer H2
Greenpeace Toyota Prius
Dollar General Kia Rio
Rogaine Chevrolet Corvette Convertible
Cartoon Network Chrysler PT Cruiser
Pampers Toyota Siena
Domino's Pizza Geo Metro
Clearasil Ford Mustang
MoveOn.org Subaru Legacy
Frigidaire Scion xB
A-1 Towing Dodge Neon
Wal-Mart Dodge Caravan
Goldman Sachs Mercedes-Benz S600
Replica Rolex Jaguar X-Type

breaking news

2007-01-29T15:19:00.000-06:00

This just in: Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro has been euthanized. In other news, I couldn't give a crap. People, it's a freakin' horse.

the first annual lame list

2007-01-29T14:33:00.000-06:00

Harley Davidsons
Dog clothing
Calvin peeing on things
Oprah
Ford
Cell phone belt clips
Crocs (shoes)
Goatees
Google
Atkins Diet
Dodge
Ugg boots
Apple iPods
Winter
Lowermybills.com
Spinners
Erections lasting longer than four hours
Cigarettes
Chevy
Harry Potter
Hooters
Real estate
Scientology

i wrote this on 1-8-7

2007-01-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

Well, today's January 8, 2007, also known as 1-8-7. For those of you who don't know what 187 is, just ask Snoop Doggy Dogg. For those of you who don't know why I've used it as part of my pseudonym, I wish I could help you, I really don't know. Maybe it's because monger1 through monger186 were taken when I set up my Prodigy account in 1994. Maybe it's my inner gangsta trying to emerge. Who knows? But if my grandmother asks, it's my birthday, July 18, written in European form: "18/7." If Snoop Doggy Dogg asks, tell him Yo, it's off da hizzie fa shizzle beeee-otch!!!

it is what it isn't

2007-01-08T09:34:00.000-06:00

I know I've told you all about my least favorite phrases in the past, so I should be "good to go" when it comes to complaining about things people say. But I'm compelled to add another expression to the list: "It is what it is."

I can't think of a more wasteful use of five words than this. Of course it is what it is! That's why it's called "it." In fact, I'd be quite concerned if it ever isn't what it is.

This phrase makes just as much sense as saying "a dog is a dog" or "a head gasket for a 1973 Chevy big block V-8 is a head gasket for a 1973 Chevy big block V-8."

So can we please retire this phrase and start using words for more useful things, like listing the 5 best and worst smells? Thank you.

i live and breathe

2006-12-19T11:48:00.000-06:00

You may be one of the 2 or 3 people who read this wondering, "Where did that hilarious Internet celebrity go?" Well, you can rest assured, nothing happened to Matt Drudge. As for me, on November 29 my wife gave birth to a beautiful little baby girl. So cut me some slack for, well, slacking. I'm just trying to survive here!

names or faces

2006-11-13T09:31:00.000-06:00

Are you good at recognizing names or faces? No!

Instead, I'm one of those rare individuals who can't remember people's names or faces. Hell, I even forget my own name sometimes. Even my real name! (I think it starts with a B)

However, God, in His unfathomable and omniscient ways, has chosen to bless me in a much less useful way: I recognize voices! Which makes me a real whiz when it comes to watching commercials and cartoons. And quite useless in every other way.

Case in point: the guy on the Simpsons last night is the same guy who does the voiceover on those horrible MCI ads, who also plays Jack Bauer (hey, I remembered a name!) on 24. It's...Kiefer Sutherland. Well, okay, maybe I remember celebrity names. It's just my friends, family, and coworkers I can't remember.

a poem about poems

2006-10-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

I never could get into poetry much.
I was never that good at the rhyming and such.
It seemed to consume all my free time each day
Interpreting words that Bill Shakespeare did say.

I majored in English for some silly reason
I found it to be unrewarding, not pleasin'
But chemistry got to be really damn hard
And English allowed me to let down my guard.

But majors in English still have time to do
The things of which science nerds don't have a clue,
Like sleeping, and eating, and summer and fall
And of course most importantly: college football!

The irony's something I know I can't shake
That I tell you this all in a poem for Pete's sake!
My actions are something I can't justify;
Poems are worse than needles in my eye.

But if you have gotten this far in the post
You're probably going to read at least most
But if you gave up you will miss the best part
'Cause I ended the thing with a naughty word: "fart."

a letter to google

2006-10-10T14:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Google,

I recently heard that you are shelling out a serious chunk of change to buy YouTube, a web site that features videos ranging from guys getting hit in the crotch to people giving personal tours of their tool collections. Naturally, I would like to know: how I can I get some of that green?

Granted, mindless drivel is no YouTube. YouTube is a collection of worthless videos no one wants to watch, while mindless drivel is a collection of worthless words no one wants to read. Therefore, I propose that you, Google, Inc., purchase mindless drivel for the sum of $1.4 Billion. Yes, that's right, a $250 Million discount compared to the $1.65 Billion you just paid for YouTube! What a bargain!

While you think that over, consider just a few of the wonderful things already on mindless drivel: a list of the best and worst smells, a collection of eclectic links, a list of the best baseball names, poetry about TV shows, and much, much more! And who knows what's in store for the future??? A list of the best and worst sounds? Poetry about some other stuff? Maybe something about Paris Hilton? Only one person knows, and that be me.

In conclusion, I heard that you were shelling out big money for stupid web sites, and I just wanted to remind you that I gots one of them. The end.

Sincerely,

monger187

why women are like cars, part 1

2006-09-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

Since guys treat their cars like their ladies, women would be wise to "steer" clear of men who:

Trade in their cars whenever a new model comes out
Lease cars (commitment issues)
Rent cars
Borrow their friends' cars
Abuse or trash their cars
Run out of gas
Take a lot of test drives, but never buy anything
Sell cars for a living
Have memorized the measurements of the entire Aston Martin line
Own a car that seats seven
Always ask their friends if they can "look under the hood"
Smoke in the car
Keep an extra car hidden in the garage
Never change the oil
Are always looking at other peoples' cars
Trade in their car just because it has accumulated some "junk in the trunk"
Can't get the engine started

yellow jackets are baaaaaaaack

2006-08-25T09:27:00.000-05:00

It's so freakin' cold in Minnesota, even the bees wear jackets!

snakes on a who cares

2006-08-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

Every time I hear about this move Snakes On A Plane, they talk about how it's all the buzz on the Internet. And then everywhere I look on the Internet, people really are talking about it like it's the greatest thing since sliced peanut butter. Well, as the unofficial leader of the Internet, I refuse to take part in this. I think if you need to see a good snake movie, Anaconda is probably better. I haven't seen it, but it sure looks stupid. The same could be said for Snakes On A Plane. Thank you for listening.

If you happen to be Samuel L. Jackson, or someone else who is involved in making this movie, please pay me money and I will be glad to hype your movie to no end.

best baseball names

2006-08-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

I did a search on the Internet and was absolutely shocked to see that nobody had done a definitive list of the best baseball names. Baseball players have better names than the rest of us, so here is a list I've compiled of the best baseball names of all time. Please let me know if I've forgotten anybody.

Baseball-theme names:
Trot Nixon
Prince Fielder
Early Wynn
Colter Bean
Craig Dingman
Braden Looper
Brandon League

Hard to pronounce:
Doug Mientkiewicz
Mark Teixeira
Byung-Hyun Kim
Magglio Ordonez
Nomar Garciaparra
Scott Podsednik

Could be dirty?
Richie Sexson
R.A. Dickey
Dave Concepcion
Dick Pole
Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown
Gaylord Perry
Mike Blowers
Tug McGraw
Rick Short

Dangerous names:
Enos Slaughter
Kevin Youkilis
Termel Sledge
Chris Bootcheck
Lyle Overbay
J.J. Furmaniak
A.J. Burnett

Just plain funny:
Jimmy Gobble
Coco Crisp
Wily Mo Pena
Woody Woodward
Dan Uggla
Catfish Hunter
Bill Wambsganss
J.J. Putz
Jordan Tata
Josh Fogg
Ruddy Lugo
Boof Bonser
Quenton McCracken
Lastings Milledge
Chipper Jones
So Taguchi
Jack Hannahan
Omar Infante
Pokey Reese
Milton Bradley
Nap Lajoie
Bucky Dent
Will Pennyfeather
Cap Anson
Rabbit Maranville
Bid McPhee
Old Hoss Radbourn
Rollie Fingers
Kirby Puckett
Goose Gossage
Mookie Wilson
Rogers Hornsby
Eppa Rixey

boxy but good

2006-08-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

In hopes of appeasing those looking for car updates, here is my Yahoo! Autos review of the Scion xB. Enjoy...

I have been driving a white toaster for 2 months now and I absolutely love it. My Scion xB has "style," but only in a sense that it has no style. I get more than my fair share of odd looks from people, even though the color and shape of the car were stolen from a 1953 Black & Decker. It's a strange phenomenon in the car business: car companies have tried so hard to create things of beauty that beauty has become common, and only by eliminating beauty has Toyota been able to create a unique shape. Beautiful car shapes have become so commonplace that even Hyundais can set the heart fluttering. It is the utter lack of style makes this car stand out. That means if you do buy this car, be warned: strangers will look at you everywhere you go. This means no more nose-picking while you drive. It's the price you pay.

The car has more than enough power for anything but drag racing, which is to say that it will get you where you need to go without anyone having to get out and push. I installed an Injen ram air intake all by myself (I'm quite proud of this), and it gives the car a little bit more "go" and a more aggressive sound, but the xB is still no Corvette. Don't believe anybody who tells you a filter will add more than 7 or 8 horsepower, it ain't gonna happen. Other people have criticized the ride, but the ride is surprisingly sporty if you ask me. Not what you'd expect from a box. It's a bit harsh, but in a good way. Turns are sharp, body roll is limited, and there is no floating or swaying. You might expect it to be top-heavy, but it's not. It drives almost like the Acura Integra I used to own, only with about half the power. The seating room in this car is amazing. The xB has supplanted our Honda Odyssey as the daily family driver, and my wife and 2 kids have more than enough room for heads, legs, etc. I'm 6' 3" and I have a good 4 inches of room above my head. Shaquille O'Neal could probably drive this car. Heck, he could probably sit in the back seat!

With that said, don't expect too much out of this car. It's still an econobox at heart. Its engine note won't compare favorably with a Ferrari F430. The pedals, including dead pedal, were not designed for my size 13s, and given the low gearing and low power, you end up shifting a lot. The width of the pedals is fine, but I prefer to press the pedals with the ball of my foot, not my toes, and there is just not enough room down there to do that. The car doesn't really have enough storage either: the owner's manual takes up most of the glove box, and there is only one other enclosed compartment, which is big enough for 3 or 4 CDs. It only has 2 cupholders unless you opt for the armrest, which adds one for the backseat. The car's light weight and slab sides make the car fidgety in wind. It's also lacking on the typical list of "amenities." Useful things like power windows and locks, are standard, but leather, sunroof, etc. are not even an option. But then, who ever decided that we need to sit on cowhide while we drive? I actually prefer fabric, it helps keep my butt in place. Besides, fabric works for my couch at home, why do I need leather in my car? And why in the world do I need to have a hole in my roof? Really, that's what this car is all about: questioning everything. When it comes down to it, if you consider the really important things - safety, efficiency, interior volume, depreciation, value, reliability - this car has it all, and who cares what it looks like? If you're interested in what strangers might think of you or what will impress your neighbors, well, you might just need to shell out the extra $40,000 for that BMW.

car updates? car updates???

2006-07-31T12:16:00.000-05:00

Well, the other day, someone named glomgold commented on last week's post about the insane car bee, and his comment noted that he "may check back here for car updates." Naturally, I got really freaked out by this. Normally I have free rein in my posts. I am completely free to write about whatever the hell I freakin feel like. How else do you think I ended up writing a list of the best and worst smells?

Well, things are a bit different now. Now I have to write about something specific: cars. Or my shiny new white Scion xB. Or something. Because glomgold might be back and he will expect to see something new. About cars. I can't imagine what might happen if he comes back to see some really interesting and entertaining car blog posts and sees that the only new post is a list of the best and worst sounds.

So, glomgold, hang tight, I'm working on something. Fortunately I happen to like cars. In the meantime, those of you who have thought about posting a comment but didn't, take note. Your comment could have huge ramifications on the future of this site.

say it ain't so, floyd

2006-07-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

The sports world is full of cheats. Baseball has Barry Bonds, football has Bill Romanowski, and extreme bungee jumping has Nedford Hellenburger. But cycling has always been one of those squeaky-clean sports where steroid use is unheard of. Until yesterday, no one has ever even suggested that any cyclist has ever cheated. The mere idea is preposterous! Illegal blood transfusions, testosterone shots, radioactive cell-manipulation. All completely foreign concepts to professional cyclists.

But now, Floyd Landis has gone and tarnished that reputation.

There are two types of people in this world: 1) those who watch 4 hour blocks of The Outdoor Life Network every July, and 2) those who are normal, sane, and well-balanced. Until yesterday, Group 2 had no clue whatsoever who Floyd Landis was. To those of us in Group 1, Floyd Landis was the guy who once rode on Lance Armstrong's US Postal Service Team, until he decided that being the leader of a losing team was somehow superior to being a helper on a winning team. When he won the Tour this year, he was briefly rebranded as the rural Pennsylvania man who was only able to escape the clutches of the Mennonites by literally riding his bike faster than the horses and buggies could chase him down.

Well, now even the normal people know Floyd Landis, but not for has dramatic collapse in Stage 16, nor for his even more dramatic comeback in Stage 17. They know him for being a cheat.

Whether or not Floyd Landis is exonerated remains to be seen. Only Floyd and his mom know that. That's not even really the issue. The Court of Public Opinion has already reached a verdict: Guilty. Whatever "Sample B" says in two weeks is unlikely to be reported with near the vigor of the original story. Let's face it, this headline is just not an attention-grabber:

Remember That Cheater Guy Who Won The Tour De France? Well It Turns Out He's Probably Not A Cheater After All

Even if Floyd Landis is proven innocent of the charges, mainstream media coverage will be as follows:

Floyd Landis Is A Dirty Nasty Cheater Who Only Won The Tour De France Because He Took Steroids, Did I Mention He's A Cheater?*

*Floyd Landis did not actually cheat or take steroids

Sort of like the whole thing with Ken Jennings "ripping" into Jeopardy:

Ken Jennings Doesn't Like The Color Blue And Claims Alex Trebek Replaced By Robot, Also Thinks Clue Crew Should Be Forced To Resort To Cannibalism*

*Ken was just joking, people, lighten up

The 2006 Tour De France will no longer be remembered for the Incident With The Giant Green Hand. Or for the rise and fall and rise of Floyd Landis. Now it will be known for the rise, fall, rise, and then fall of Floyd Landis.

For the record, when Le Tour '06 began, I was rooting against Floyd. I wanted George Hincapie to win (man, did I bet on the wrong horse!). But Floyd made me believe. He showed me that being down and out didn't mean you had to give up. That determination is more powerful than fatigue. That even failures can win. But now the only lesson I've learned is: cheaters win, unless they get caught.

Floyd, I want more than anything for you to be proven innocent of these charges. For you, for me, for America, for cyclists, and for my four year old son who is learning how to ride a bike. Say it ain't so.

i'm old

2006-07-19T13:35:00.000-05:00

For the first time ever, if someone says to me, " You don't look a day over 30," they'll be dead wrong, because today I am literally a day over 30! Also, I wasn't born yesterday, but I was born 30 years ago yesterday.

Okay, this is all old-person talk for "yesterday was my birthday." So get out your walkers, get that artificial hip prepped for surgery, because monger187 is aging, and fast.

monger187 and the bee

2006-07-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

Well, okay, so I haven't been updating the blog with anything about myself lately (or much of anything at all, really), so here's a little anecdote about something that happened on the way to work today:

For those of you who don't know, and that would probably be just about all of you, I finally rid myself of the 1999 Honda Accord. I realize that by telling you my current automobile, I open myself up to all sorts of hateful comments like, "Ew, you drive that?" or "I used to respect you, but now I'm not so sure" or the simple, yet effective "You disgust me." If you haven't guessed by now, I now drive a Scion xB. Yes, the boxy one. So if you're in the Minneapolis area and you see something that looks like a giant white toaster going down the road, it just might be me.

But I digress.

Apparently I am not the only one who appreciates cars that resemble large appliances. Yesterday I was driving home with the windows down. You can do that around here. Even on days when everyone seems to think that it's so freaking hot that they are going to spontaneously combust. I keep telling people that 90 degrees in July is not that hot, and if they want to experience hot, they should spend a nice 8 month long summer in Dallas and see what real hot is like. Or maybe put themselves in the oven for a few months: same effect, only you don't have to drive as far.

But I digress. Again.

Anyway, when driving with one's windows down, one opens oneself up to all sorts of risks. Like dirty looks from people who don't like to listen to KMFDM nearly as loud as I do. Or car jackers. But also, insects.

Well, it seems that large, fuzzy, scary bees with huge stingers and evil in their hearts also enjoy loud KMFDM. One such evil bee decided to hop into my car and go for a ride. Maybe he mistook it for a refrigerator and thought there would be some nice fruit juice inside or something.

Anyway, after having a nice rest in the car overnight, the bee decided to wake up right when I was speeding down the highway. Well, okay, "speeding" doesn't accurately describe what I was doing. More like doing 15 mph, stuck behind some lady in a 20 year old Buick with a golden retriever in the passenger seat.

Well, the evil bee must have known that this was the absolute worst time to make an appearance. He knew that one false move and the fruit juice-less refrigerator would be floating down the Minnesota River. So this is when he appeared, buzzing around and creating a commotion, causing my heartbeat to immediately double, and turning the cool, calm, collected guy that I am into a 13 year old girl having a hissy fit, swatting desperately at the air and flailing mercilessly at anything and everything. Then I opened the window.

Well, the bee left straight away (I always wanted to try saying "straight away" - it just sounds so, well, British). I think I may have looked so stupid with my girly flailing that he instantly became embarrassed to be in the car with me. Well, whatever, I don't even care. Stupid, stuck-up bee. Who needs him anyway?

you might be an american if...

2006-06-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

You get winded walking to the kitchen
You think $2 million for a 300 square foot bungalow qualifies as a sound investment
You feel strongly that the United States has a child obesity problem, but your child's "self esteem" is too important for you to tell them that they need to go on a diet
The last book you've read from start to finish was "Hop on Pop"
Your financial "emergency plan" consists of Chapters 7 and 13
You're currently stalking Britney Spears
You spend more money than you make
Your car seats nineteen adults comfortably
You've ever blamed anything on "The Man"
You spend $6.00 for your daily cup of coffee but think $2.79 for a gallon of gas is outrageous
You think that Uggz Boots make a good fashion statement
You've ever considered a career in "Day Trading" or "Real Estate Investing"
You bathe at least once a day
You consider Paris Hilton to be a role model
You think everything tastes better fried
You can recite an entire Eminem album word for word
You've sued a large corporation at least once in your life
You pay money to a stockbroker just so you'll have someone else to blame
You think professional wrestling is real
You think professional wrestling is entertaining
Your self worth is determined by the amount of money you spent on your car
There are eight or more Starbucks within a five mile radius of your home
Your plan for retirement is to make millions on your house
You currently lease a Cadillac Escalade or Hummer H2
You cant' spel, and you're grammar are horrendous
You own a 4000 square foot home but still think you "need more space"
You think South Korea is a member of the "Axis of Evil"
Your idea of fine cinema is "Big Momma's House"
You can't do simple math, even with a calculator
You can never remember if the "World Cup" is golf or tennis

acura rsx, an elegy

2006-06-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

RSX
You are a car
That Acura makes
But they are not
Going to make you anymore
After this year
Because Honda decided
To take Acura "upscale"
To try to "take on BMW."
I guess BMW probably makes
A lot of money or something
Because car companies
Are always trying to
"Take on BMW."
If you ask me BMW is nothing but
A rolling status symbol
For over-financed, unimaginitive wannabes

RSX
You used to be called the Integra
And you still are except in America
And Canada I think.
They changed your name
Because a made up word apparently wasn't as good
As a set of three random letters
At least not for Americans and Canadians

RSX
I've never owned you
But I did buy an Integra GS-R in 1998
Then six years later
I did something really stupid
And traded it in for a Saab

RSX
You are being replaced by the Honda Civic Si
Which is an okay car I guess
But I still have a special place in my heart for you
RSX

RSX
You are a car
That I was probably going to buy
If they redesigned you
Because your current model
Has been out forever
And I wanted a nice fresh new one
But now stupid Honda
Is going to lose my business
Because they decided they wanted to
Become another BMW wannabe
So now I'm sending my money to
Toyota

RSX
You no longer fit into Acura's "brand strategy"
Because Acura feels the best way
To "take on BMW"
Is not with a quick, light, fun sports car
But with an ugly "luxury SUV" whose front end
"Looks like some fat guy's face
With 2-3 potatoes stuffed in his mouth
As he tries to smile with his eyes closed"*

RSX
You have 200 horsepower
But only if you pony up the cash
To get the Type S
Otherwise you only have 155

RSX
You went away
Before I could get to know you
My butt will never be held in place by
Your sport bucket seats
And my forehead will never become sunburned
From driving with your sunroof open
My kids will never be squished
Into your backseat
My climate will never be controlled by you
And you will never tell me how to get to the nearest White Castle
(Navigation System optional)

RSX
I will miss you
RSX

*Quote is a comment from "Kowell" at Autoblog.com, regarding the Acura MD-X Concept

ode to lost

2006-05-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Lost
Is a show on ABC
But it's still on
It wasn't canceled
Like Sons & Daughters

Lost
Is about some people
Who crashed
Onto an island
But there's other stuff that goes on, too
Like when that one guy won the lottery
But it might have just been all in his head
Because he's insane

Lost
Aired its season finale last night
So if this kind of show interests you
You're going to have to wait until the fall
To watch it
Unless you want to spend a lot of money
On the DVDs

Lost
Is a pretty good show
But it's not my favorite
That would be 24
But I still like Lost
Especially since 24 won't be back
Until January 2007

Lost
Has inspired me to
Come up with all sorts of outlandish theories
About what's really going on
Like that the dog is really the devil
And he's controlling people's minds
Because he's mean like that

Lost
Has something to do with a fake company
Called The Hanso Foundation
That advertises on the show
And makes us go to fake web sites
That tell us to buy Jeeps and drink Sprite
But a fake executive
For the fake company
Told the real Jimmy Kimmel
That The Hanso Foundation
Has nothing to do with the show
Lost

Lost
Sometimes creeps out my wife
Like when that guy with the beard
Showed up and said:
"Just give us the boy"
At the end of season one

Lost
Often describes me
When I try to understand
What in the world
Is going on in the show
Lost

piet mondrian, straight line extraordinaire

2006-05-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

An art critic I ain't, so I'll just start by saying that. But given recent events, I felt I had to chime in on, you guessed it, Piet Mondrian.

Here's a guy who painted for 36 years, from 1908-1944. And yet, as far as I can tell, in all that time, the only thing he ever painted were straight, black lines with red, yellow, and blue rectangles. That's it. But this is not my only criticism of Mondrian's work. Read on, fool!

Mondrian did not give his paintings creative titles either. For example, one of his more clever titles was "Composition No. 10." If a painting of a series of black lines and primary-colored rectangles were called something like "Soulless Cat Playing Snooker in Madrid," it might trick me into thinking it probably had some deeper meaning that I am just too shallow to understand. Why not just hang up a blank canvas and call it "Composition in White"?

My next complaint is that Mondrian painted during some of the most tumultuous times in the history of the world, yet he apparently had nothing worthwhile to say about any of it. Surely he had some comment about World Wars One and Two, The Great Depression, or the birth of Bill Cosby. Heck, isn't this the stuff that "art" is all about? Nope, it's about lines and rectangles.

Next, consider that some of these paintings took as many as seven years to complete. I will concede that these were painted in a time when masking tape was not widely available; therefore, straight lines were a little more difficult to paint. But beyond that I don't understand how these things could have taken so long. One thing's for sure, I won't be so quick to complain about waiting five years for that new Nine Inch Nails CD.

I guess some of the paintings are kind of cool looking, in the same way that some building in Dallas called The Mondrian is kind of cool looking. But I doubt I'd spend a lot of money to buy one of his paintings, just like I wouldn't spend a lot of money to buy a condo in The Mondrian. Especially when I could make my own "Piet Mondrian" painting with $25 worth of supplies purchased at The Home Depot. I could hang it on the wall in my condo, which I also built with $25 worth of supplies purchased at The Home Depot.

The name of my art is "Soulless Cat Playing Snooker in Madrid."

ode to sons & daughters

2006-05-16T11:59:00.000-05:00

Sons & Daughters
Was a TV show
It was on ABC
But now it's not anymore
Network executives thought people preferred
According To Jim.

Sons & Daughters
Was written
By a guy named Fred
And also some other guy I think.

Sons & Daughters
Took on American Idol
But apparently people liked crappy singing
And sarcastic, rude British judges who insult people
Better than the "O-face" guy from Office Space.

Sons & Daughters
Made me laugh and cry
Well okay not cry so much
But it was still pretty touching.
Hey, you calling me a sissy?

Sons & Daughters
Was brought to us
By Lorne Michaels I think
But not by the letter C or the number 8.

Sons & Daughters
Had "partially improvised dialog"
Which I think means they made it up on the spot
But it wasn't live or anything
So they could still edit out stuff
If it didn't end up being that funny.

Sons & Daughters
Made me believe again
In the goodness of mankind
And the importance of hard work
And the willingness to take a chance.

Sons & Daughters
We'll miss you,
But hey at least we still have
Hope & Faith.

monger187's quotable words of wisdom

2006-05-03T16:37:00.000-05:00

If your name is Sammy Davis, I bet it's really tempting to name your first son Sammy Davis, Jr.
I'm easily the most humble person I know.
I think probably the scariest thing in the world would be a clown with a bazooka.
Is the glass half empty or half full? Well it's obvious that the glass is--hey wait, I didn't order a Diet Coke!
I have a love-hate relationship with my car: I hate my car and would love to have a different one.
If a tree falls on a mime, he may or may not make a sound, but isn't it refreshing just to know that it happened?
If there's one thing we've learned from the 1950's it's how to accurately predict the future. Seriously, those guys were dead-on!
Try as I may, I can't imagine being any more optimistic than I am right now.
I think one of life's greatest mysteries is who would win in a fight between Godzilla and Superman.
If you're taking a test and you don't know the answer, "The Battle of Trenton" is always a good guess. If it's an essay test, just write a few sentences about The Battle of Trenton.
Being up a creek without a paddle is not such a bad thing if you're in a motorboat.
Sure, it sounds like it would be entertaining to lock a mime and a blind person alone in a room for a few hours, but trust me, it's not.
If ducks were pink, there would probably be no reason whatsoever to have flamingos.
One of those things you just never forget is your first experience with a Whoopee Cushion.
If I could control your mind, I would make you think that you wanted to have enchiladas for dinner. And also, that you're buying.
I'm not normally one to question God, but I really don't understand why He invented mosquitoes.
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade; but if life hands you prunes, please don't make prune juice, because that stuff is nasty!
If there are only two things I know in life, one is that ice cream is delicious. The other is that it sure sucks to only know two things.
If I had to describe the most annoying possible thing, it would probably be a small, barking dog listening to a Nickelback CD.
Of all the things the government is lying to us about, probably the most disturbing is that there are "only" 50 states.

visitor 12,639 right around the corner

2006-05-01T16:38:00.000-05:00

I can't tell you how excited I am that mindless drivel is so close to surpassing the 12,639 visitor milestone. It's taken a lot of hard work and dedication, along with a lot of visiting my site myself and convincing my wife and at least one of my friends to go every day just to artificially inflate the number of visitors to my site. Also, I wrote some stuff and apparently every once in a while the stuff I wrote has some words in it that come up in a Google or Yahoo! search, so people come here by accident when they are trying to find useful information about Dat Nguyen's wife or the proper spelling of the past tense of "cancel."

However you came here, if you are visitor 12,639, can you please comment or send me an email or something? There's probably nothing in it for you, but I might send you a personal email or something, and getting an email from a big time Internet celebrity like me is nothing to sneeze at.

the good ol' days

2006-04-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

As I quickly approach 30 years of age (t-minus 3 months and counting), I, like most civilized human beings with any soul whatsoever, yearn for a simpler time in my life. If you're a loyal reader of mindless drivel, you're probably thinking I'm going to say something ironic or weird, like when I was 1 year old or something. And while those were indeed good times (you get to do whatever you want, and if you do something stupid, it's "not your fault," you're "just a baby"), the time I really miss is my early 20's, just like everybody else out there.

But being the financial minded nerd that I am, I miss my early 20's not because of the endless wild parties (nobody invited me to these parties before I became a celebrity) or the ability to go days without bathing. No, what I really miss is the reckless abandon with which young working "adults" buy stuff. Case in point: when I was 22 I bought a car with a price tag equal to my entire annual salary. Not that I had a huge salary or anything, but let's just say when I was 22 I had standards. I would not have been caught dead in, say, a seven year old Honda Accord. And even though at 29 my salary is now three times what it was then, I'm currently driving...a seven year old Honda Accord.

Of course the standard argument for buying lots of things at this stage in your life is that you need stuff. You need to replace the milk crates currently doubling as book shelves. You need a new dresser because the floor at your last apartment ate through the feet. You need a 60 inch TV. You don't really have any expenses other than food, rent, magazine subscriptions, and beer. And if you're not a beer-drinker, well you're just plain filthy rich!

What happens is that when idealistic college students graduate from the "college world" to the "real world," that idealism transforms into arrogance. This arrogance is, of course, completely unfounded. How else can you explain defending car leases as a "good idea"? Your arrogance will cause you to make financial decisions that you will later deem as "stupid," "immature," and "reckless." But who cares? You don't think about the future, you live in the now! You don't have to be saddled down by retirement accounts, because you still think the government or your parents are going to take care of that for you. You buy TVs and stereos on credit because, "Hey, it's only $99 a month. All I have to do is work a few hundred hours of overtime a month and I get this kick-ass TV!" And Lord help us if you decide to buy a house.

So yes, I miss the post-college early working years. You get to buy all kinds of cool stuff that you can't afford. And thanks to easy credit for anyone, you never have to worry about paying for any of it. Nope, that's up to future you, aka Me.

gm and the dorky cars

2006-04-26T16:47:00.000-05:00

I think everyone is aware of the problems General Motors (aka The General) is having these days. Following only gas prices and Reggie Bush's Mama's house, it's the biggest story in the news! I don't claim to know the answer to all the company's problems, but I think that changing the company's name to "Troubled Automaker General Motors Corp" was not a wise move. I was not at the meeting during which this decision was made, but had I been there I would have recommended something a little more positive, like maybe "Leader in the Imminent War Against Robots General Motors Corp." Seriously, I dare you to find a single article about GM that does not refer to the company as "Troubled Automaker General Motors Corp."

While TAGM's issues were exacerbated by this name change, I can't help but feel a nagging suspicion that I am also personally responsible for the downfall. In my controversial post the 10 dorkiest cars back in October 2004, I named no fewer than four GM products to the list (five if you count the Suzuki Aerio. Is Suzuki owned by GM? Who knows?). While I can't claim to be Nostradamus (Nostradamus is dead, so making a claim that I was Nostradamus would be ludicrous! I am merely the ninth reincarnation of Nostradamus), I must note that the Chevy SSR and Buick Terraza/Pontiac Montana SV6 were poorly received by critics, and were only literally "received" by a small handful of buyers who all got HUGE discounts. In addition, Hummer H2 sales have been dwindling, along with its smaller, even dorkier (and at the time non-existent) sibling the H3. The Saab 9-7x, well, did they ever even make that? I've never actually seen one on the road.

My point here is that all the vehicles on my list had horrific futures ahead of them, almost as if I were the automotive Grim Reaper or something. And GM has suffered dearly for it. On the day I created the 10 dorkiest cars list, GM's stock price stood at $38.32/share. Today, GM stock sells for $23.11/share.

I am by no means a GM hater. In fact, until I had to sell it to finance my wife's (gulp) minivan, I drove a Saab 9-3 and I liked it (aside from the whole curse thing, of course). I also think that new Chevy Camaro Concept thing looks freakin' awesome! And if I had $757,000 worth of Reggie Bush's Mama's house to finance the gas for it, I'd seriously consider buying a new Chevy Tahoe.

GM just happened to have four (or five) very dorky cars in October 2004. So, Troubled Automaker General Motors Corp, I truly say to you, I'm sorry.

please don't sue me, letterman

2006-04-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Top ten stupidest things overheard about the stock market in the late 1990's/early 2000's:

10. "It can't possibly go any lower."
9. "Buy low, sell high!"
8. "Pets.com? Why the hell not?"
7. "Dow 50,000 baby!"
6. "The market's down again? Yes, another buying opportunity!"
5. "100% annual return is normal, right?"
4. "You're either with us, or you're with the terrorists" (How'd that get in here?)
3. "I quit my job so I can day-trade full-time."
2. "Eight dollars, my man!"
1. "Enron Schmenron!"

smelly post

2006-04-26T10:10:00.000-05:00

five things that smell really bad:
vomit
wet dog
smokers
fish
diapers

five things that smell really good:
Play-Doh
fresh coffee
Genuine Made-in-America Crayola (TM) Crayons
shaving cream
baby powder

financial advice column

2006-03-28T12:23:00.000-06:00

I'm practicing to be one of those financial advice columnists. Let me know what you think!

How To Get Out Of Debt And Get Your Financial Life On The Right Track And Start Saving Because Saving Is Good And Debt Is Bad So Here Is Some Advice On Getting A Plan Started To Accomplish This In Your Own Life (tentative title)

Dear monger187,

My wife and I need your advice. I work as a Software Consultant for like some software consulting company or something, and my wife manages a team of door-to-door printer cable salespeople. Although my wife's job provides a lucrative salary of $85,000, she has decided to leave her position to devote her attention to the full-time care of Fluffy, our 2 year old Pekingese. This leaves us with only my salary of $22,000.

We have $3.28 in a long-term CD and $0.18 in a money market account, which we are not able to touch because the company charges a $5.00 withdrawal fee. Our checking account has a balance of $24.78. We also own a collection of rare pogs. My wife and I recently took out $200,000 in auto loans to have our "rides pimped." As recently as three months ago, we had $50,000 in equity in our home, but we took out a fifth mortgage and used the proceeds to have our sofa covered in authentic zebra hair.

Sincerely,

Diligent Unlucky Man Brings A Scary Situation

Dear D.U.M.B.A.S.S.,

My first recommendation is that, while attempting to locate a "friend" in the alley behind Circuit City, you find a briefcase containing $1.6 million in cash. The briefcase will have some blood on it, but after examining it, you should decide that it is probably just from some animal or something. Also, throw the briefcase in a dumpster in another county.

Next, you should be chosen to be a contestant on Deal Or No Deal, and through a simple death threat, convince the show's producers to tell you which suitcase has the $1,000,000 in it. Just to be funny, you should pick the suitcases in order from $0.01 to $750,000, leaving only the $1,000,000. Howie Mandel will totally freak out. Then skip out on paying taxes on the winnings, because come on, hasn't the government got enough money already?

Then, you should invest the $2.6 million in a stock that will double the following week. These kinds of stocks are easy to locate, as long as you are willing to devote at least 13 minutes to "exhaustive research." A good place to start is in your email: sometimes the best stocks are the ones strangers email you about. Also, you probably need one of those fancy stock charting software packages that they sell on TV for $39.95. The $39.95 should come from money you find in your jacket pockets.

This leaves $5.2 million. You should make it a nice round $5 million by giving $200,000 to some sort of charity or something. Good things always seem to happen to good people, and $200,000 is a pretty small price to pay for membership in the "good people" gang.

You should then spend $50,000 for a private golfing lesson with Tiger Woods and $100,000 to buy up all the tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas so the two of you can have the whole ship to yourselves. Because, come on, everyone needs to pamper themselves a little bit sometimes.

As you can tell, sticking to a financial plan like this will not be easy. It will require hard work, dedication, and even a little bit of luck. But by heeding my advice, you too can have financial freedom!

area 51

2006-03-24T12:14:00.000-06:00

After an exhaustive study, which has preoccupied my life over the last five minutes, I've finally discovered what they've been doing in Area 51 all these years.

For those of you who have been living under a rock, can you please tell me the location and size of your rock, and how you are able to get Internet access there? Also, how are you able to keep the rock from falling on your head? That's the problem I always had. The rock kept falling on my head, giving me massive concussions, which caused temporary blackouts and loss of short-term memory. So I eventually gave up and moved back into the house.

Area 51 has been used by the U.S. Government for the development of the Human Cell-Reproduction Teleportation Module, code-named the Dick Vitale Project, or DVP. The sole purpose of DVP is to allow Dick Vitale to provide commentary for every college basketball game that has ever been and will ever be played on planet earth.

The U.S. Department of Defense, which created Vitale in 1974 by implanting a human embryo into a laughing hyena, began DVP in 1982 as a Cold War anti-Russian program. The initial intent was to use hidden code contained in Vitale's voice to reprogram Americans to want to join the Air Force. Unfortunately, with the Cold War ending before DVP's completion, the project was no longer needed. However, rather than scrapping the project altogether, the DOD used its tremendous influence on ESPN to insert Vitale into college basketball telecasts.

While it is unclear exactly what message the DOD is now using Vitale to convey (best guesses include "have more babies" and "buy a Buick"), it feels it is imperative to send this message to 100% of college basketball fans worldwide. Hence, DVP, which allows Vitale to instantly be zapped from one basketball court to another, ensuring that he will never miss a basketball game, and thus ensuring that we will never see another college basketball game without having "BABY!!!!!!" screamed at us every 3.2 seconds.

an open letter...

2006-03-14T13:29:00.000-06:00

To the guy who got out of his car and gave me a push when I wasn't getting any traction in the snow:

You totally kick butt.

You helped me at a time I couldn't help myself. I had been moving 2 miles per hour for 2 1/2 hours, already an hour and a half late to work. On a slight incline on Normandale Blvd, my tires told me to "take this job and shove it," and my progress slowed to 0 miles per hour. Engines revved, tires spun, and my car moved backwards and sideways, but not forward.

I know you saw my Texas plates and thought to yourself, "This guy does not know how to drive in the snow, plus he probably has some of those no-tread 'Texas Tires.'" (For the record, they're new tires and the guy at Discount Tire told me they would be able to handle Minnesota snow.) But you didn't care. You didn't judge me and my Texas-ness. You got out of your Jeep in the freezing cold, in the driving snow, in the frozen tundra, and you put all of your might into it. You gave me the boost I needed to get enough traction to turn my sorry butt around and forget about trying to drive up that hill.

I was so nervous and excited when I finally got moving again, and I was so afraid that I would lose my momentum and get stuck again, that I didn't have a chance to stop and thank you properly. I want you to know that not saying "thanks!" is not the Texas way, and since I will likely never see you again, this is the only way I know how to thank you.

So, selfless car-pusher, I hope you're reading this. You rule.

Sincerely,
monger187

i love starbucks

2006-03-06T10:09:00.000-06:00

Have I told you lately how much I love Starbucks? Let me count the ways. I love coming home from a long day, driving up to my nearest Starbucks' convenient drive through window, and ordering a nice hot cup of Peppermint Mocha. The good people who work at Starbucks are always so friendly and courteous. They really put an exclamation point on a wonderful experience.

When the cold weather is starting to wear on you, when you need a little pick-me-up, or when you just feel like a delicious beverage, nothing does the trick like a cup of Starbucks Coffee. They also have a full assortment of coffee accessories and packaged goods, for when you want to have that delicious Starbucks flavor right in your own home! Music and gift cards (in various denominations) are also available. I'd recommend that you all go out and take a trip to your local Starbucks today!

Also, did I mention that I just bought Starbucks stock?

what is origami?

2006-03-02T08:22:00.000-06:00

The biggest buzz in tech nerd circles (I've heard) is the Origami Project, a cryptic Microsoft undertaking, which is creating buzz the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the months of hype leading up to Dean Kamen's "Ginger" in 2001. As we all know, "Ginger" became the revolutionary Segway Human Transporter, which has changed mankind in ways we could not possibly have imagined. Like it gave us a whole new reason to laugh at George W. Bush.

So now we have Origami. Which leads to the one question in everybody's mind: What is Origami? Well, it turns out that Origami is the Japanese art of paper-folding. You heard it here first.

curling woes

2006-02-23T12:50:00.000-06:00

It must be really hard to be on the Olympic Curling Team because I'm sure when you got home your wife would always expect you to sweep the floors because you're so good at it. But come on, I've been sweeping all day, give me a break!

going public, baby!

2006-02-22T12:00:00.000-06:00

As a "professional" in the "finance" "industry," I know the value of a good IPO. By "value," I mean that an IPO can make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. If you don't believe me, just look at Enron! I guess there are sometimes investors who also want to make money or something, but I think the main point of IPOs is to make the guy who started a company filthy, stinking rich. And that's what I want for me.

So therefore I am taking mindless drivel public. I think we here at mindless drivel (by "we" I'm referring to me - monger187 - and that guy grego who wrote one post last week and promptly left the country) have come to a point where the revenue stream is beginning to far exceed expenses. In terms of revenue, there's the ad thing I have over on the right side that pays an average of exactly nineteen cents per decade. Then there are the countless unsolicited donations that people have sent over the years. By "countless," I mean it's never happened so there's no point in counting.

Well, okay, the "revenue stream" is not impressive, but that's the great thing about IPOs - you don't need "revenue"! All you need is a "compelling business model." Due to complicated IPO, child welfare, and animal rights laws, I can't tell you what my "compelling business model" is, but I can tell you this: trust me, it's freakin' awesome, man!

I have solicited third parties, and I guarantee you that there is considerable interest in owning a stake in mindless drivel. Initial estimates are for me to be a multi-billion-kajillionaire by exactly 8:31 CST on the day of the IPO, which will probably be on a Thursday. Or maybe a Wednesday.

The previous statements have not been evaluated by the SEC, the FDA, the Department of Homeland Security, or Rush Limbaugh. However, I have run all previous statements through a spell check (Multi-billion-kajillionaire was not in the dictionary, but I chose "ignore"). This is not an offer to purchase, sell, steal, or otherwise transfer shares of mindless drivel stock. Monger187 promises all stock certificates will be on expensive paper with squigglies around the outside border, maybe an official-looking raised seal, and probably a hologram of some sort. Please read the prospectus carefully before sending money. Wait, on second thought, just send the money anyway. If you really need to read a prospectus, just read the one for Google or something and substitute the word "Google" with "mindless drivel." And substitute the words "search for things on the internet" with "perform as yet undefined money-making business activities." Past performance is no indication of future results (thank goodness!).

cure for boredom

2006-02-16T12:57:00.000-06:00

Here's something fun to try if you're bored: stealing things from stores.

monger187's unified theory of everything

2006-02-16T11:57:00.000-06:00

After months of reading science nerd books, I've discovered that if there's one thing science nerds want to know more than anthing else, it's the unified theory of everything.

I have also learned that the leading theory in the race for the unified theory of everything is the superstring theory, which says that all matter, when broken down to its most basic form, is made up of tiny little pieces of wiggly string. And what are the tiny little pieces of wiggly string made out of? Angel hair pasta, of course!

pie vs. cake

2006-02-16T10:40:00.000-06:00

I can't believe there are actually people out there who prefer pie to cake. What's wrong with you people? Are you some kind of moron or what?

A-ceps anyone?

2006-02-15T13:54:00.000-06:00

I just re-began exercising after a 10 year rest (my trainer told me I should rest and relax my muscles for a while--I don't think he meant 10 years though, but anyway...). I remember my trainer telling me that having good TRIceps was better than having good BIceps. That reminded me of an old adage I once heard..."TRI is better than BI." But that wasn't the whole adage. It had a second part, which went something like, "BI is better than A." There was even a mathematical inequality that provided the wise saying with soundness: "TRI>BI>A"

If this adage is indeed true, then where are your Aceps? I vowed to answer this question I'm sure everyone has been secretly asking themselves since centuries past and from galaxies afar. I must delve into the depths of the human endomuscleskeleton in TRIBIA pursuit.

new contributor

2006-02-02T14:49:00.000-06:00

Some guy named Grego is joining the mindless drivel "staff." I heard he's a distant relative of Philip Seymour Hoffman, so I guess that makes him qualified. Please welcome him aboard by sending him lots of spam emails. But I don't know what his email address is, or how to get a hold of him. Also, I'm not sure what his last name is, or if he really exists. Enjoy!

blue shirt memo

2006-02-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

I'd like to take a moment to expand on a previous post. This is mostly because I've run out of things to say, but also because it happened again: the shirt memo thing.

Here's the scenario: about five of the ten or so guys in my area were wearing blue shirts one day. So of course everyone started making the "Hey, didn't you get the memo?" joke to anyone who wasn't wearing a blue shirt.

Let me fill you in on a little secret: men love blue shirts. I'll bet if you search any man's closet, approximately 79.44% of his shirts will be blue. Count only shirts with buttons and that percentage goes up to 92.37% (note: each of these figures has a +/- 3% margin of error). My point here is that on any given day, almost every guy at work will be wearing a blue shirt.

If I walked into work one day and five out of ten people were wearing orange shirts with purple polka-dots, then I'd start to wonder if there was a memo. But blue, I'm just not convinced. But just to be on the safe side, I double-checked my Outlook mailing lists. I'm subscribed to all of the same lists as everyone else, and there was no memo. Unless I deleted it by accident. Can you forward me a copy of the memo if you have it?

my car has an anus

2006-01-09T14:20:00.000-06:00

I'm loving Minneapolis so far. We had our second snowfall since I've been here and my first bizarre random event! It was so exciting.

If you are one of the two loyal readers of this blog, you might know that I sold the Saab several months ago and am now driving the, um, uh...oh yeah, Accord. If you're me, you can't remember whether or not you told the blog that you sold your Saab. I did. It was fun. Yay. Anyway, I had figured that getting rid of the cursed Saab would appease the "bizarre car gods," and that all inexplicable car events would forever be in my automotive past. I was wrong.

I realize that many of you have found this massive collection of cynicism called mindless drivel via DFW Blogs, so many of you may not be familiar with snow. Here's a brief introduction: it's this fluffy, white, cold stuff that falls out of the sky. You typically only get snow when the temperature falls below at least 80 degrees, so obviously it is physically impossible in Texas. Snow is kind of like rain, but colder and fluffier. And for you same Texas people, let me give you a brief introduction: rain is this wet stuff that falls out of the sky. Maybe you'll see it one day.

But I digress. Another wonderful thing about snow is that it collects on almost anything left outside, including roads, pets, television sets and, yes, cars. Some people have discovered that snow provides an excellent medium for writing things. For reasons unknown to anyone who is not a bizarre car god, someone at my apartment wrote "ANUS" in the snow on both my hood and my trunk. Normally, I would simply chalk this up to the countless enemies I have, many of whom feel I am an undesirable body part of some sort, but I can't for the life of me explain how I could have forged such spiteful relationships with people to whom I have only spoken two words: "hey" and "hi."

Besides, "ANUS" just isn't really a very good thing to write on a stranger's car. If you want to write "PARKING SPACE STEALER," "FLOOR STOMPER," or "BLAND CAR DRIVER," I could certainly understand your legitimate complaints. But I just don't feel that "ANUS" works for me.

So, to whomever wrote "ANUS" on my car: I hope you enjoyed writing it, because the joke was lost on me.

Annoying Song Stuck In My Head, 12/16/2005

2005-12-16T11:48:00.000-06:00

Song: I'm A Believer

Artist: The Monkees

Annoyance Factor: 10 (extreme)

Reason Stuck In Head: Because I accidentally saw my own post from 11/14/05. Damnit!!

bah humbug!

2005-12-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

Below is a list of the 21 Christmas/holiday songs I am sick of:

Let It Snow
Jingle Bells
The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Sleigh Ride
Silver Bells
Jingle Bells
Jingle Bell Rock
Feliz Navidad
Auld Lang Sine
O Christmas Tree
Rocking Around The Christmas Tree
The 12 Days Of Christmas
White Christmas
Blue Christmas
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Deck The Halls
Frosty The Snowman

I've survived 29 straight Christmases of hearing the same songs played ad nauseum from November 1 through December 25. It's as if the radio stations are all on some 21 song loop, which have been strategically chosen for their unusually high level of annoyance.

Maybe the guys in the white coats were right, and there is indeed something wrong with me, but I truly believe I have exceeded the number of Christmas songs one can reasonably expect to hear in one lifetime. The problem is, given the expected lifespan of a male non-smoker born in 1976, I will be subjected to approximately three gazillion more hours of these 21 songs in my lifetime. I think the only reasonable solution is to start smoking. Now.

change to tagline

2005-12-05T12:29:00.000-06:00

Due mostly to circumstances beyond my control, and partially to circumstances within my control, I will be making a slight change to my blog tagline. It now reads: "observations from a guy in texas with too much free time." It will soon read: "observations from a guy in minnesota with too much free time." I apologize for any inconvenience.

monger187

new blog feature

2005-11-14T12:53:00.000-06:00

Good news, I've come up with a fun new way to annoy you! You know when you have a song in your head and you can't get rid of it? Well, starting right now I've decided to share the annoying song so it can be stuck in your head, too! Don't worry, RIAA, I'll be sharing the name of the song, not an evil mp3. I'd like to note that just because a song appears on my "Annoying Song Stuck In My Head" list doesn't necessarily mean I don't like the song. In fact, some of my favorite songs get stuck in my head. So don't assume that a song's appearance on the list means that it's a bad song per se.

Well, let's just skip the nonsense and try it out:

Annoying Song Stuck In My Head, 11/14/2005

Song: I'm A Believer

Artist: The Monkees

Annoyance Factor: 10 (extreme)

Reason Stuck In Head: Unknown

Comments: I really don't like this song. Please help me.

band naming guide

2005-10-19T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been fifteen years and I finally have come to a point in my life where I have both the financial resources and the physical space to own a drum set. And I even have a group of friends desperate enough to ask me to play with them. That's right, folks, I'm joining a "band." Christian rock rules!

But any time you form a band, there are many decisions that need to be made about the band's style, organization, type of tour bus to buy, brand of caviar to stock backstage, etc. But without doubt the most important decision any band must make is its name. After all, this is a decision that's going to stick forever. Music lovers in the 27th Century and beyond will be studying our art alongside the other greats: Mozart, Beethoven, Davy Jones, etc. I certainly don't want them referring to us as The Flaming Poo Bags.

So this got me to thinking, what are the traits in common with the most successful band names? And I have compiled this into a Band Naming Guide. All band names essentially fall into one of the following categories:

The "Somethings"
Examples: The Beatles, The Black Crowes, The Cramps. Naming a band "The" anything is generally pretty uncreative. Like The Bears and The Tigers, this almost falls into the realm of sports team naming, a subject I'll "tackle" in a future post (or not). But as we know based on new-fangled MLS and WNBA team names, not even sports are going with The "Somethings" anymore. So neither should you and your band. My motto: "Where the WNBA goes, so go also."

The Nonsense Combo
Examples: Dropkick Murphys, Pearl Jam. This basically involves going to the dictionary, randomly selecting two words, and pairing them together. Go ahead, try it! "Annoyance Biscuits." "Lesser Helicopter." What, you say? That doesn't make sense? Well, that's the beauty of it, folks! It doesn't have to make sense. Four grown men hanging out in a garage doesn't make sense either.

The Airplane Name
Example: U2. Okay, I admit that U2 is the only band I could think of that is named after an airplane, but how can you have a band list without including U2? I think it's considered un-American. Or at least un-Irish. Besides, there are plenty of good airplane names that have not been used yet. Stealth Bomber. Piper Cub. Airbus A-320. The possibilities are endless for any band looking to emulate the U2 band-naming formula. I think Foo Fighters is named after a UFO, but UFOs are not really airplanes, they're more like weather balloons.

The Made Up Combo Word
Examples: Megadeth, Metallica. I think this is only used by heavy metal bands, so if you're not into heavy metal, feel free to skip this one. The main point of this is to take two normal words and combine them into one really cool word. If you can figure out a way to combine "Mega" and "Death" into one one word, you've got an instant classic. Misspell "Death" and it becomes an even better name. You're going to want to stay away from pretty or cute sounding words though. "Ponycake" doesn't really evoke the emotion you're going for.

Puns
Example: X-Dream. Okay, nobody else has ever heard of X-Dream, but I can't think of anything else. And Yahoo! Search is not helping. I know they're out there though. I thought of this category when I came up with a great band name this morning: "Eve's Droppings." Okay, maybe it's not great, or even good, but I did come up with it this morning.

Somebody and The Somethings
Examples: Huey Lewis and The News, Gladys Knight and The Pips, Prince and The New Power Generation. This is an obvious variation on The Somethings, but is even more old fashioned. Nobody uses this anymore. It's what you do when you want all the attention, but somehow the rest of the band manages to finagle a very small amount of recognition. I hear No Doubt is considering going to this format.

ALL CAPS
Examples: KMFDM, NOFX. THE BEST WAY TO GET SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION IS TO USE ALL CAPS. See? It worked, didn't it? Same thing works for band names.

Well, folks, that ought to get you started. As for me, I'm reconsidering Flaming Poo Bags. It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

revenge of the birds

2005-10-13T17:05:00.000-05:00

I went to the Texas State Fair again yesterday. I could probably rattle on all day about Big Tex, but I won't. It's been done. He's a sellout, big deal.

There are plenty of other things at the state fair. The bird exhibit for instance. You know the way these things go: they have some nice pretty birds flying around. Then they blather on, trying to make you feel guilty because that styrofoam cup you threw out last month is now negatively affecting the habitat of the yellow-chested West African puff-nosed duck-billed woodpecker, causing these beautiful birds to suffocate and die, all because you had to have those two cups of coffee on that Monday after the weekend when the kids wouldn't let you sleep in. Or because poachers, for whom I am somehow responsible, are killing off the remaining species of bald eagles. Or because I kicked a few pigeons who were trying to steal my funnel cake.

Yes, the bird show was lots of fun. But I realized later in the day that my behavior towards birds really does need to change, when I found myself using the expression "kill two birds with one stone." "Kill two birds with one stone"? How horrible! Is this any way to think about our precious birds? And I simply can't believe how nonchalantly I talk about murdering innocent birds!

So I came up with a new 21st century, touchy-feely, politically correct way of saying the same thing. Now instead of saying "killing two birds with one stone," we can say "protecting the habitat of two bird species with one conservation effort." Please begin to work this into your everyday vocabulary because we're all going to have to start saying this soon. The bird people will arrest you for conspiracy to commit attempted first degree bird-o-cide if you don't. These bird people are freakin' crazy man!

don't say these things to me

2005-10-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Here is a short list of annoying expressions I can't stand:

1. Good to go - "Hey, give me a call and we'll be good to go!"

2. Playing phone tag - "Man, every time I call you, I can't reach you. We're playing some serious phone tag! Well, just call me back and I'll be good to go!"

3. At the end of the day - "At the end of the day, what really matters is that we stop playing phone tag, and if we do we'll be good to go."

my life is now complete

2005-09-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

I made it onto the Google Directory! I can die now!

two jokes that need to be retired

2005-09-16T08:58:00.000-05:00

1. When you're bowling, and someone throws the ball between two pins without hitting either one, putting both arms up and saying, "It's good!!!"

2. When you go to work and see that someone else is wearing the same color shirt, saying, "Oh, I see you got the memo, too!"

Seriously, we're all tired of hearing these jokes.

gas

2005-09-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else noticed that gas prices have been going up? I hadn't noticed until someone pointed it out to me. It would have been nice if it had been on the news or something. I mean, really.

the real justin timberlake

2005-08-25T11:39:00.000-05:00

I would like to set the record straight about Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake is a human being who was once, and possibly currently still is, a member of a boy band that may or may not go by the name of N*Sync. Or maybe it was N-Sync. Or N^Sync? Probably not. But it might be the Backstreet Boys. I don't think he was ever in Boyz II Men or Color Me Badd, but I could be wrong. Last I heard he was dating some celebrity, then they broke up, then he started dating some other celebrity. I think they're still together. I'm pretty sure he did not cheat on the new celebrity with yet another celebrity. I don't think Justin Timberlake is the guy that wanted to go up in space with the Russians. I'm pretty sure that was some other guy. I also don't really know if Justin Timberlake hangs out with the guy who plays Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but I think there's a guy in a boy band who does. It might be the one who wanted to go to space, or maybe someone else.

I may not know very much about Justin Timberlake. But I will never make things up about Justin Timberlake. If I ever do make up stories about Justin Timberlake, I might have to pony up a lot of money, which will then be given to charities chosen by Justin Timberlake. And unless he chooses to give the money to the monger187 Foundation, I'll be in trouble, because I don't have very much money.

a poem i wrote this morning

2005-08-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

Fresh Pot of Coffee

Fresh pot of coffee
Fresh pot of coffee
Is there anything better than
A fresh pot of coffee?

When it's Monday morning and
You're really tired and stuff
Because you have kids that think
6:00 am is a reasonable time to wake up
On the weekends.

Fresh pot of coffee
Is especially good
When it doesn't have the orange plastic thing on it
That means it's decaf.

Coffee doesn't taste very good
When it's been sitting around for hours,
So I prefer when it's a
Fresh pot of coffee.

Also I hate it when there's not enough coffee
Left in the pot to fill my cup
Then I have to brew more
And it takes like three minutes
And by the time I get around
To going back to the coffee maker
I've gotten stuck on the phone
And other people have drank
All the coffee I just brewed.
How rude!

But today the stars aligned,
And when I went for my second cup
There it was sitting on the burner:
A fresh pot of coffee!

pulse check

2005-08-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm still alive. Whew!

one ipod > zero ipods

2005-07-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

Through some combination of freakish irony and dumb luck, I ended up with a free iPod. I didn't earn it, and I didn't steal it, nor did I receive it as a gift, but I most certainly did not pay for it. I won it fair and square, so there. And this after I publicly lambasted Apple and everything it stands for. However, no matter what disdain I hold for Steve Jobs and his evil Apple henchmen, I still must admit that one iPod is indeed greater than zero iPods, which is what I had the day before before yesterday.

Needless to say, my supply of iPods is now one iPod higher than my self-assigned iPod limit, and I must therefore restore iPod equilibrium by dispensing of the iPod and finding an acceptable solution to my present over-iPoddedness.

So now my only choice is what to do with the iPod, since I already went and bought a Rio Karma. I briefly flirted with the idea of putting the same songs on the iPod as the Karma, then listening to the Karma in the left ear and the iPod in the right ear, thereby creating some sort of funky quasi-AAC/WMA-Apple/Rio super-stereo effect. But I discarded the idea after I realized just how idiotic and pointless that would be.

I am completely willing to entertain any ideas you might have for my iPod situation. However, I am unlikely to simply smash the thing to bits or drop it off a 42-story building. I like to break stuff as much as the next guy, but not expensive stuff. At least not expensive stuff I own. And don't tell me to give it to you. I'm not that nice.

So send me your ideas for what I should do with the excess iPod. I just may take your advice. And if I do and it gets me in trouble, it's your neck on the line, not mine.

mindless

2005-07-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

It may be just me, but I get a special feeling inside when I see my very own little creation on the first page of results whenever I do a Google search for "mindless." I've created one of the ten most mindless sites on the entire Internet. I feel truly special indeed...

the orange line

2005-07-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

Well, it appears that I'll be taking the Orange Line to work instead of the Red Line, at least until the Department of Homeland Security decides that it's relatively safe for me to go to work again. I think the Orange Line is a lot like the Red Line, only more vigilant. I've already posted about an abundance of nerds on the train, but now I'll have to start watching for terrorists instead. Remember when our biggest commuting fear was falling asleep, missing our stop, and waking up in strange parts of the city we never even knew existed? I miss those days...

a new hope

2005-07-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

If you are one of my two loyal readers, you may recall a battle I had against a gang of evil ant thugs last year. Well, the ants scored a decisive victory over us and they eventually drove us out of our apartment. We fled to a nearby house that a mortgage company let us live in as long as we paid them every once in a while.

Well, we had been living in relative ant-less bliss for some time, until ant troops began to surface in various parts of our home. But it wasn't until a few days ago that I realized that the ants had constructed a Death Mound in our back yard. Fortunately, an ally was able to smuggle a copy of the plans for the Death Mound, allowing us to analyze it for potential weaknesses. It seems that the evil Death Mound is highly susceptible to attack by means of common Home Depot ant spray, but only when it is used in enormous quantities. Also, two sprays must enter a small opening in the Death Mound, which leads to the Mound's core, triggering a chain reaction that destroys the Mound from the inside out.

I knew it would take a true hero to follow through on such a plan, and there was only one place I knew I could find such a person. He was in the furthest reaches of the universe, in a galaxy far, far away, in the Dagobah System. I needed to find the evil Ant King's only son, who would obliterate the Death Mound, leading to a climactic duel between the evil father and his rebel son. Then I realized the Death Mound could be destroyed by anybody who shelled out the $12.99 for the ant spray at Home Depot. So I just did it myself.

The Death Mound was destroyed, but the ants inflicted major casualties upon our brave men. Well, okay, it was just me. Seven ant bites. Ouch. But there is, indeed, a new hope now. I'm certain the ants will regroup, under the dictatorial leadership of the mysterious Ant Emperor. They will probably even try to rebuild the Death Mound. The Ant Empire can strike back but will never prevail.

scroll down

2005-06-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

My blog is messed up. For some reason there is a huge expanse of gray where there should be a huge expanse of clever, witty words. It happened the moment I posted the thing about the antidepressants. I think maybe it was some sort of symbolism or something. You know, like if you're feeling particularly gray, you should take some antidepressants, or something like that. Or maybe Blogger just decided that my blog was so far superior to its "competition" that it had to do something to even the playing field.

Whatever the case, I think I need to try to fix it. Or perhaps I can just title every post "scroll down." Or I can have variations on the theme. Next post will be "see below," followed by "click on yer dadgum down arrow," then "put your finger on the scrolly-wheel thingy and slide on down a little bit." Yeah, that would be pretty lame. Let's just hope it fixes itself, because who has time to mess with templates these days? If I had time to mess with my template, do you think I would have a gray background in the first place?

daily mind bender

2005-06-27T11:50:00.000-05:00

What do you think is the opposite of a depressant? I'd say an antidepressant, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though, it's a stimulant.

cinematic analysis

2005-06-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

In typical social gatherings, conversation will invariably settle on one of two topics: the trend toward increases in domestic interest rates and its subsequent effects on the global economy, or debate over what is the greatest Adam Sandler movie of all time. In the case of the latter, many people feel strongly that his best performance was Happy Gilmore.

However, I implore you to consider one of the great cinematic performances of our day, Billy Madison. How could one hold the opinion that Gilmore is the superior film when Madison delights viewers with such classic lines as "You know I like Snack Pack, why don't you just give me a Snack Pack!?!?!" and "Telly-hoo-hoo! Sabba-doo!"?

True, Gilmore does feature a stirring performance by one Bob Barker, but this does nothing to make up for a lackluster showing by Ben Stiller, whose most memorable line, "You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!!" is delivered with charisma and flair, but ultimately leaves viewers wondering if his portrayal of the evil nursing home attendant is indeed his best effort.

However, Sandler's on-screen chemistry with fellow former Saturday Night Live alum Norm McDonald in Madison shows itself in such classic dialog as:

McDonald: Where's Billy?

Some Other Guy: He's at school.

McDonald: Oh yeah!

In light of the evidence before you, I trust you too will agree that Billy Madison is without doubt Sandler's best work. If you even mention Big Daddy or The Wedding Singer, please excuse yourself from the rest of the conversation and go home. I don't want you at my birthday party anyway.

fortune cookies are yummy

2005-05-31T12:48:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I was made aware of a scourge on our society that must be addressed. We're being duped by a major source of information and we have been looking the other way for far too long. Yes, we have a serious fortune cookie problem.

We open fortune cookies looking for answers about the future. We want to know something personal, something we couldn't find by any other means. There was a time we could crack open a fortune cookie and count on finding this information. For me, this was the only way to really find out if I was going to ace that test next week, find favor in the eyes of that special someone, or die a horrible, violent death on the way home from the restaurant. These days are apparently over.

Last weekend I paid a visit to my local Pei Wei Asian Diner, at 3412 E Hebron Parkway, Carrollton, Texas, at the corner of Hebron Parkway and Midway Road. Pei Wei offers authentic Asian cuisine and a pleasant dining experience suitable for the whole family, all at a reasonable price. The service was spectacular, and the food was amazing. That's Pei Wei Asian Diner, at the corner of Hebron and Midway in Carrollton.

Although the food was indeed savory and delicious, the fortune cookies were lacking. Opening the fortune cookie is always my favorite part of any Chinese restaurant excursion, but this time I was highly disappointed. It was some sort of truism about good friends always being there when you need them or something. "Good friends will stand by you when times get tough." Something like that. Yes, okay, very true. Good friends are good to have around. They beat the pants off bad friends or enemies any day of the week. But what will happen to me in the near future? Will I find true happiness by discovering a coupon for Lucky Charms that never expires? Will I be invited to attend a royal banquet as a special guest of the Sultan of Brunei? What? What?!?!?

If you're not going to predict my future, I say you have no business in my cookie. If you really don't know my future, just say so. I would be disappointed if I opened a fortune cookie that said, "We're not really sure what the future holds for you. You might just have to wait and see. Sorry about that." Or even if you took the magic 8-ball approach and said, "Outlook hazy, try again later." Sure, I would be disappointed, but at least I would respect you. Just be a man about it. Or just be an oracle, or a vision, or whoever or whatever it is that comes up with these cookie messages.

So, in summary, I kind of need to know my future. If the cookie doesn't know, I don't have anywhere else to turn.

aceface

2005-05-11T11:05:00.000-05:00

Does it bother anybody else that when you're playing blackjack, you can get "blackjack" without actually being dealt a "black jack"?

I learned this the hard way. I was playing in the International World Tournament Series of Blackjack Finals in Little Rock, Arkansas. The dealer handed me two cards, the three of hearts and the jack of spades. I jumped out of my seat and yelled "blackjack!!!!" I also yelled "slapjack!!!!" and slapped my hand on the table really hard, making everyone's cards go flying. Then, just for fun, I yelled "52 Pickup!!!" It was quite the experience. When the dealer told me that I needed to have an ace and a face card to have blackjack, I was utterly stunned. Stunned, I tell you! It's no wonder I had been so good at this game. I was also an above average redking and blackseven player. But I suck at redqueen. The other players pointed at me in ridicule. The 500,000 fans were all laughing, too. There were certainly countless others laughing at their televisions; the event was being aired on NBC opposite American Idol. I ran out of the Days Inn in shame. I ran all the way to Denny's on the other side of town, and stuffed myself silly with three Grand Slam breakfasts. The waitress told me I was crazy for ordering three breakfasts, but I didn't care. I drank an entire bottle of syrup that night. The sausage links weren't very good. I think they had been sitting out for a while.

The previous story did not happen. But it could happen. It could happen to you, or someone you love, unless we do something about it. "But I'm just one gambling commission chairman, what can I do?" you ask. Well, I'm glad you asked. You can join in the fight. You can make a difference. I've created The International Chapter to Prevent Misleading Gaming Activities, or ICPMGA for short. Please send a homemade sign-up sheet with your name, address, favorite color, and preferred brand of toothpaste, along with $1,374.13 for your annual dues. I'm currently the only member, but our membership has grown by 13% since September 2004.

It is ICPMGA's first, primary, and only goal to change the name of "blackjack" to "aceface." After all, to get a "blackjack" in blackjack, you don't need a black jack, you need an ace and a face card. Hence, "aceface." If you got a better name, join ICPMGA and we'll talk.

i work with an 80's pop star

2005-05-04T12:08:00.000-05:00

Well, this is not good. Perhaps this has been brought upon by my sleep deprivation, but I have a certain unnamed 80's song stuck in my head.

It turns out that someone in my office shares his name with a "one-hit wonder" 1980's artist. I know what you're thinking, and it's not Michael Bolton. I work in a real live office, not a movie set. Besides, Michael Bolton had countless hits, not just one. "When A Man Loves A Woman" was just so far superior to all the other music of its time that we often label it a "wonder." No, the person I work with sang a different song. I can't say what song it is because I shouldn't reveal the names of my co-workers. And if I gave the name of the song, you would know the name of the singer, and therefore the name of my co-worker.

But just know that a 10 second loop of the song's chorus has been been running through my head all day.

ramblings of the sleep deprived

2005-05-04T11:43:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what a little lack of sleep can do for you. In just a few short weeks of sleep deprivation, my typical repertoire of insightful, humorous, and intelligent banter has run dry. It seems that it has been replaced by unexplained cravings for coffee, conscious awareness of blinking activity, and bizarre fantasies of sleeping in strange places.

Please help me.

let's laugh at spam

2005-04-25T11:35:00.000-05:00

You know you're having a bad day when the day's half over and the best thing you've heard all day comes from spam. But this one had a pretty clever subject line:

"I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

Funny, funny stuff. I liked it so much I signed up for the low, low mortgage rate they were peddling.

Yes, I'm kidding.

congrats to me

2005-04-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

On April 7, 2005, the monger 187 family grew by 33.3% (rounded to the nearest tenth of one percent). Congratulations to me, my wife, big brother, and my new son.

new pope

2005-04-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems we have a new pope. I'd like to weigh in on new pope. Personally, I like old pope better. New pope is too sweet, and just doesn't seem to retain the original flavor of old pope. It's as if they changed the pope recipe altogether. It just will never be quite the same without old pope. Maybe if we are lucky, they will eventually give us pope classic.

Please post comments about how offended you are about the previous statements.

april fools fools

2005-04-01T10:07:00.000-06:00

Frankly, I'm sick of all this April Fools Day crap. The way I see it, April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people with no sense of humor try to be funny. And the results ain't pretty. For those of us who act like fools on the other 364 days a year, it just seems pretty sad for these poor suckers who can't be funny to save their lives.

The April Fools Day people are basically like the "C & E Christians." You know these people, the ones who go to church twice a year, on Christmas and Easter. For them, this is all the spirituality they feel is necessary in their lives. The rest of the year, they are just like all the non-Christians, but on Christmas and Easter, look out, they's church-going, Godly folks. Amen!

Well, it's just the same for the April Fools People. They have no humor in their lives throughout the year, then all of a sudden, they think they can just be funny for one day. People, it just doesn't work that way. Humor, like Christianity, is something you need to work at, practice, nurture. You can't just decide that one day out of the year you can be funny. Just like you can't just be a Christian for one day of the year. You just end up looking pathetic and sad. You report another team's performance numbers inaccurately and think it's the most hilarious thing to happen since you saw that monkey who plays the cymbals.

Here's the bottom line: you need to practice humor in your daily lives. Study it, live it, read it, be it. Get it here or get it somewhere else. Just get humor. Your colleagues will thank you for it.

free the ipods

2005-03-25T09:32:00.000-06:00

I know you have all seen those people who are trying to get "free iPods." It seems like such a sweet deal, all you have to do is hound all of your soon-to-be ex-friends to sign up for a slew of credit cards, video rental programs, and kidney donation services, and then voila! you get a nice new iPod, and your now ex-friends get to hound all of their soon-to-be ex-friends to do the same thing for them.

But here's the problem: I don't want an iPod. I've tried using that lame iTunes piece of garbage, and every time I've opened it, it takes over every single music file on my computer. And apparently, ripping files is not known as "ripping files." Nope, Apple, trying to be different as usual, decided to call it something else. I forgot what they call it, but it's something stupid and lame, just like Apple is.

So I decided that I do not want an iPod. And don't beg me to sign up for your stuff so that you can have an iPod, because I don't want you to have one either.

However, I do want a Rio Karma. And just like the iPod people, I want it for free. But since there is no freeriokarmas.com website yet, I have devised my own way of getting a free Rio Karma: you people buy it for me. That's right, you've been reading this blog for free for far too long. I figure it's the least you owe me.

You can discuss amongst yourselves how you are going to divide the cost. I'll even allow you to use the "comments" to do so. I'll give you until the end of April to purchase and ship my free Rio Karma, but by April 30 I expect to have a shiny, new Rio Karma in my hands.

Thank you for your time. And for my Rio Karma.

dave and brian

2005-03-23T13:25:00.000-06:00

I was just noticing today that approximately 92% of adult males in the US are named either Dave or Brian.

I did a little research on the topic, and it turns out that this is due to the US Bureau of Naming Rights' clamping down on what they felt were overly creative baby names in the 1970's. The controversy began when rock musicians started naming their kids things like "Dweezle" and "Mary Jane." Concerned that names in the United States would soon explode to include numbers, symbols, and pictures, the government decided to crack down on this creative naming.

The efforts culminated in the US Male Naming Bill of 1972, which had good intentions and originally provided an "acceptable names list." However, certain provisions were added by Congressmen Dave Willingham of Nebraska and Brian Talbert of New Jersey, dropping all names but Brian and Dave from the list. Unfortunately, no one noticed that the name list had been reduced until after the bill had been signed by President Nixon. The bill became law in October 1972.

The US Male Naming Law of 1972 was eventually repealed in 1978, but during this time there were some 23 million male babies born in the United States, and almost all of them were named Dave or Brian. There were some exceptions, but the parents of these babies were fined $300 each, due to noncompliance.

In the early 21st Century, some lawmakers, apparently nostalgic for the free-wheeling 70's, briefly toyed with the idea of reintroducing the law, this time limiting names to Ethan, Nicholas, and Connor. Many parents went ahead and named countless babies Ethan, Nicholas, and Connor, apparently concerned that the provisions would be retroactive to babies born as early as January 1, 2000. However, the bill was killed and no such naming restrictions are currently in place.

Bottom line: if you want to name your baby "monger187" or some other similarly awesome name, now is the time to take advantage of your current freedom to do so.

it's a post - isn't that enough for you?

2005-03-21T15:28:00.000-06:00

I guess I owe you people an update. Or maybe an explanation. I swear, you people are so demanding! Well, I'm not dead. That enough for you? Well, okay, probably not, but it'll have to do for now. Just hang tight, I'm planning a really kick-ass post in the near future. As soon as I figure out what that's going to be, I'll post it. Now stop whining already!

throwing up chainsaws

2005-03-07T14:02:00.000-06:00

If there's one thing in this world that truly boggles my mind, it's people that juggle chainsaws. I was pondering this while tossing and catching my pen repeatedly. I must admit, I'm pretty damn good at catching my spinning pen. I may even be one of the best in the world. But even I drop one every once in a while. And if I drop a pen, it's not that big a deal. I just pick it up and throw it against the wall in furious anger, smashing it into a thousand pieces.

But consider for a moment the chainsaw jugglers. Okay, don't even think about the fact that there are literally billions of jagged, fast-moving teeth. Just consider the fact that these chainsaw things are pretty heavy, awkwardly shaped, and there are three of them for crying out loud! Now add in the jagged, flesh-tearing teeth, and we have a pretty serious stunt right here. Jumping over a few buses on a motorcycle? Child's play compared with the chainsaw jugglers.

So what it all boils down to is that these people are willing to bet their left hand, right ear, and any other appendages that may get in the way, that they can catch the chainsaw every single time. There are no mistakes here, no second chances. You miss once and your chainsaw juggling days are over. Your living days may be over, too

Perhaps what's most puzzling about the chainsaw jugglers is that the reward is just not that high, compared with the spectacular risk. I bet they only get paid about a million dollars a year. And there's very little fame to go around. They hardly ever make the cover of Field & Stream or Good Housekeeping. In fact, I dare you to name the top five chainsaw jugglers in the world. I can only name three.

So my hat's off to the chainsaw jugglers of the world. My hat will be off as long as your various appendages are not.

give me some credit

2005-03-03T10:05:00.000-06:00

Am I the only person who is incredibly disappointed with the way video games reward us for winning?

Things were going just fine, I was kicking some serious Super Mario 3 butt. I was totally stoked. The bad guy just fell through a big hole in the ground, and I finally rescued the princess and saved the Mushroom Kingdom from this really bad ugly dude. I figured this calls for some serious celebration. Imagine my disappointment when I got a few three second clips of Mario stepping on some turtles and a list of names that I can't even pronounce. I figure that I devoted so many hours of my commuting time to saving this princess, I should get something better. Like maybe some kind of a code for a free coffee at Starbucks or something. But nope, just a lame animation and a list of credits.

Why do we have to work so hard to see the credits in video games? Movie credits are pretty easy to come by. All you have to do is stay awake until the end of the movie. Well, okay, with movies like Batman & Robin out there, that may be easier said than done. But even bad movies tell you some things at the beginning of the movie. Director, producer, lead lighting technician, it's all right up there at the front of the film. It's only if you want to know the best boy grip that you need to watch until the end.

Yeah, I know, if I played video games that were created in the last couple of decades, I might get more satisfying endings. I'm sure you can all spout off 300 video games that have good endings. But don't you get it by now? I don't want answers, I just want to complain.

this is not about the oscars

2005-02-28T10:04:00.000-06:00

I finally figured out the one fatal flaw of American Idol. It's that the music just absolutely sucks. Well, okay, I have known this for quite some time. That's why I don't watch the show. But I think I may have stumbled upon the underlying reason for the suckiness of the contestants on the show. I'm not talking about the early contestants like William Hung that they bring on to humiliate and degrade in front of a national audience. I'm talking about the ones who make it past the initial rounds. The ones that win. Aiken. Studdard. Clarkson. These are the ones that truly suck.

It happened innocently enough while I was at lunch the other day. I sat at my table, eating my roast beef sandwich, taking in the sounds of the local easy listening station that they pump into the cafeteria here at my building, when something familiar hit my ears. It was none other than Paula Abdul, singing her timeless classic "Straight Up." It was at this moment that it hit me. For several hours every week, millions of Americans sit glued to their televisions, listening to the criticism of one Paula Abdul, hanging onto her every word. Do these people not remember that this is the person who gave the world the lyrics "Straight up now tell me, Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh, Or am I caught in a hit and run"?

It struck me as odd that a washed up pop star that was only mediocre in her prime is now seen as some sort of music critic extraordinaire. But we actually know more about Ms. Abdul than we do the other two judges. So I took the liberty of looking into the pasts of the other judges, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson. The results were shocking.

Randy Jackson grew up on the mean streets of Dubuque, Iowa. After narrowly escaping minor injury in a drive-by potato gun incident, Randy felt it was time to clean up his act and get his life straightened out. He'd had a God-given singing talent, but never quite had "the look" that the big-name Dubuque talent scouts were looking for. Randy spent many hours every day calling the customer service phone numbers of the major record companies, hoping to get a break in the music scene. One day he managed to reach a particularly helpful supervisor who found him a job as one of the singers for Milli Vanilli. After the surprising revelation that Milli Vanilli was a sham, Randy got some shocking news of his own. His voice never even made it onto the Milli Vanilli albums. The record company had agreed to record his voice, to get him to stop calling, but never officially agreed to put his voice on the albums. Heartbroken, Randy decided to try his hand at television. He called the Fox Studios, and after one call was able to get signed on to American Idol.

Simon graduated from high school in a London suburb, then promptly moved to Hollywood to become a pop star. After twenty-three failed attempts to try for Star Search, Simon began making physical threats to Ed McMahon. He was subsequently served with a restraining order and was not allowed to be within 500 feet of the Carson sidekick. At this point Simon became dejected and was forced to take a job working the drive through window at Wendy's. It was here that Simon really began to craft his true talent of being rude and insulting people. His favorite catch phrases of "That was absolutely ghastly" and "Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf" all draw their roots to these early Wendy's days. At the time, he was new to the insult game, and his best material included lines like "I didn't give you any ketchup because you're ugly" and "You can have the mustard you asked for, but I'm going to spit on your burger anyway." It just so happened that a Fox executive was pulling through the Wendy's drive through one day. When Simon told the executive he had big ears, the Fox executive thought Simon would be perfect for a new reality TV show that was in the works called "Insult the Singers." Simon was signed on immediately and the show eventually became "American Idol."

So now that you know a little bit more about the tribulations these judges have gone through to get where they are, you can watch the show with a new appreciation for their hard work and dedication. Or you can just be like me and not watch at all.

poll results

2005-02-23T15:47:00.000-06:00

Well, my pathetic begging for votes worked. Here are the final results. Seems that people really like that life thing. Please see the new poll now.

vote or die

2005-02-22T13:56:00.000-06:00

Please take a moment to vote on my pointless poll. It's on the right side of your screen. I've left it there for a while because I just haven't gotten around to replacing it. But now that I look at it, I have somehow amassed 86 votes. It seems that, at this point, "a life" is in the lead for what people most want to have, with 34% of the vote. Personally, I'd rather have a new plasma screen television, but whatever. Anyway, I figure since I am so close, I might as well see if I can get to 100 votes before replacing it. Not out of policy, but just to see if I can get that many people to vote in such a dumb poll. In other words, I hope to replace the next one long before 100 votes. So go ahead, vote away, vote twice, vote three times. I don't care. I won't even make you provide a purple thumbprint. Just hurry up and vote so I can get my 100 votes and come up with a new poll already!

revenge of the nerds

2005-02-19T23:37:00.000-06:00

I recently came to a startling and disturbing realization. It turns out that there are a lot more nerds in the world than I had previously been aware of. Over the past year or so, I haven't seen a whole lot of people in a typical day. Mostly just my family and the people I work with. I am already aware of the nerdiness of my family and my co-workers. It's somewhere below Trekkie and somewhere above Brad Pitt. But lately I've been seeing a lot more people, and what I've seen has been shocking, to say the least.

Before we moved into our house two weeks ago, I drove to work every day. There are not too many ways to determine a person's nerdiness by seeing them on the highway. You really only get one quick glance at the driver's head. Well, in the case of the nightmarish traffic I trudged through every day, you could study the driver's head quite thoroughly. But you still can't gauge that person's nerdiness very effectively. Mostly, your only way to measure a person's nerdiness is by the car they are driving and the bumper stickers they display. While there are certain cars, like Pontiac Grand Ams, that nerds just love, you really can't get a lot of information about a person's nerdiness from the kind of car the person is driving. And unlike hippies, nerds don't tend to use bumper stickers very liberally.

But since I began taking the train to work, I started seeing a lot more people. And what I've seen ain't pretty.

First of all, let's begin by noting that a lot of people clip stuff to their belts. Cell phones, pagers, PDAs, MP3 players, ham radios, and various other objects are clipped on, clinging for dear life to their owner's already overworked belts. Clipping a device to one's belt is nerdy enough in itself, but when people are using this much of their belt space not to hold up their pants, but to hold up multiple electronic devices, then people, we have a problem. Granted, there is often more than enough belt space to go around, but folks, it's not 1993 anymore. We are no longer impressed that you own a cell phone. You don't have to clip it to your belt to show us. Your pants have pockets, you know. But I suppose the people who partake in belt clipping typically wear extremely tight pants, so the pockets are rendered useless. But isn't that why they invented the fanny pack? Never mind.

You can also assess a person's nerdiness by his reading material. Before proceeding, I must admit that I am currently reading an incredibly nerdy book, The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene. Hey, what can I say, I enjoy theoretical physics. There, I said it. But the other day I actually saw a grown man reading a Dungeons & Dragons player's guide. And all of a sudden, I'm not so nerdy after all.

You might think you'd see a lot of cowboys and hicks in Texas. You'd be wrong though, it's mostly nerds.

i think i lost my funny

2005-02-16T12:28:00.000-06:00

I offer this post as a warning. I think I may have used up my sense of humor.

Maybe it's because I have become increasingly disillusioned with having the world's most depressing job. Maybe it's because I'm fighting off a cold (for some reason six hours of sleep used to be plenty, but over the past few weeks I've been getting seven or eight and I feel like I'm going to collapse). I suppose it's possible that I used up my funny by writing it all down. Like maybe the only reason I was funny before is that I kept saying the same funny things over and over. I was on a four month loop. My wife and family never told me because they were trying to be polite. Or maybe they told me plenty of times but I forgot. But my poor memory allowed me to forget that I had already used the same material months ago, not realizing that I only had four months worth of funny. I'm like one of those kooky old dudes who think they're funny, but everyone is really laughing at them, not with them. But now that I've written it down, I can't get away with rehashing old funny anymore.

However many reasons I can provide as to why I have lost my funny, I think the real reason is that the funny vibes in Allen, where my house is, are just not as strong as they were in Plano, where my apartment was. I mean, think about it, even the name is funny, "Plano." Ha! "Allen" is not funny. Not funny at all.

But the story doesn't end here. All hope is not lost. There are some points of light. There is hope for the return of my funny after all.

First, our baby doctor is still in Plano, and our baby doctor hospital is still in Plano. Which means our baby will be born in Plano. I figure that means that he will be doing stand up before he can, well, stand up.

My two year old son Carter is pretty damn funny, and he was born in the unfunny capital of the world, San Antonio. San Antonio is possibly the ugliest, stinkiest, most depressing city in the world. You should really check it out one day. But somehow Carter ended up funny. So I figure there's true hope for someone born in Plano, one of the funniest places on earth.

Second, I write most of my stuff in Dallas. At work. Yes, work, the epitome of unfunny. So I guess I have two points here: 1) that I am still writing this at the same unfunny cubicle as before, and 2) that I can be funny in the midst of unfunny.

So hang in there, the funny is probably just taking a vacation. Hey, at least someone around here is getting a few days off.